by Rori Raye
If you’re having trouble trusting men because of past hurts, and you’re afraid of getting “fooled” again, it doesn’t have to be that way.
If you’re finding yourself obsessing about your man and your relationship, and spending all your precious love and energy trying to figure out what he’s thinking instead of feeling secure and happy with him, this letter will help you.
It’s a horrible feeling to be with a man, bound to him hormonally and exclusively because he “says” he has feelings for you and continues to date you aggressively, and then, all of a sudden, it all disappears.
It’s like he went to another planet and cameback a different person emotionally.
When that happened to me, I remember wondering where I’D been – why didn’t I see it coming?
I wondered how I could ever trust a man when one moment it was so obvious he was serious about me – and the next he’s “confused,” or actually even off with another woman.
Well, for me, a great place for us to work through this is in the TV show “The Bachelor.” Even if you haven’t seen it, just talking about it here will help you.
Last season, the show had what seems like a fabulous, worthy man. His name was Matt, and he picked a woman, Shayne, asked her to marry him, and many months later, they’ve split.
Let’s say Matt was sincere – that he really did fall in love with Shayne, and he really did want to marry her, but it just wasn’t right, and it didn’t work out.
That means, while the “competition” was happening – it was happening “for real.”
And…from where we’re sitting NOW, after it’s all over, it’s SO easy to piece it all together and understand why and how it turned out the way it did.
But, for those women on the show who didn’t get “roses” from Matt and had to leave, it wasn’t so easy to see while it was happening – exactly the way it is for US when we’re in the middle of a moment or a relationship with a man in real life.
I’ll focus here on one of the women – Amanda.
Amanda was (and is) a beautiful, clever, spunky and brave woman. She didn’t allow herself to get caught up in the “seriousness” the show tries to create, and she had a sense of humor. She even pulled a prank on Matt during his visit to her family – and that was a very brave and bold thing to do. And everything we saw of them together (she was in the final 3) demonstrated that he really was “into” her.
He said “I love being with you.”
She “opened up” (they make a big deal of this in the show, and in the totally WRONG way – as I’ll talk about later) and told him her feelings for him. She spend the night with him in the “Fantasy Suite.” She felt as if she was going to marry him.
She could “feel it.”
And then she found herself standing there, the only woman of the three left without a rose, and, almost in a stupor, was led by Matt to the waiting limo that would take her back to the hotel and then the airport for her unhappy trip home.
Amanda was really smart.
But she’d been stunned.
She couldn’t believe she could have been so wrong.
Matt, in the minute required by the show for him to tell her why he didn’t give her a rose, said that all their conversations had been about “like” and not about “love.”
She called him a name they had to bleep (I think it was “douche-bag”) and almost slapped him before stomping off into the limo.
Talk about getting “led on.”
And yet – Matt seemed totally honest and heartfelt. He was totally honest with her, he said. He said he “liked her very much.” He said he “had feelings” for her.
He said that he just didn’t feel as strong a connection with her as he felt with the other two girls now left standing for the finale of the show.
So – how did Amanda get hurt?
Did she get fooled by a man who was taking advantage of her? Did she make a mistake in the way she handled herself? Did she see and hear only what she wanted to see and hear, and miss completely the signals he may have been sending out that WEREN’T what she wanted to see and hear? Was it just her fate? Was it the stars and magic?
So – here’s my answer, and I hope it helps you in your relationship:
I believe that a man either knows it’s you or he doesn’t. I believe that the woman he decided to propose to on that show – Shayne, an actress, very different from the other women in temperament, but no more beautiful, sexy or smart, although “seemingly” (we’ll never know) nicer and sweeter and just “real,” was a woman he’d decided was the one he wanted on DAY ONE.
And that all the other women were so attractive and had so much to offer, and turned him on and made him think and gave him so much enjoyment, that he did, truly and honestly, develop feelings for several of the other women, too. Especially Chelsea, who was the runner-up, and Amanda.
But, for a man, “having feelings” is not the same thing as feeling COMPELLED to MARRY someone.
On “The Bachelor,” the producers try to create the show as a “contest.” They promote the idea that these women are “competing” for Matt.
And yet – that’s just not possible, because LOVE IS NOT A MERIT SYSTEM.
You don’t get love by being a good girl scout and getting merit badges.
You don’t get love by being prettier, or smarter, or nicer, or anything-er than any other women.
The way you get love is by simply having WHAT HE WANTS. And there’s absolutely no way to know what that is.
For all we know, Matt could have had ulterior motives for choosing one woman over another.
He may have been more interested in being enriched in some way by a woman (Shayne’s Hollywood connections, Chelsea’s “classy bearing,” Amanda’s sense of humor) than in the “true love” he said he was looking for.
But NONE of that would make a bit of difference! Matt was going to follow his gut.
Two seasons ago, the “bachelor” clearly demonstrated for us all (by rejecting both of the final two women – one of them DeAnna who just starred as “The Bachelorette” – and simply walking away) – that MEN DON’T TALK THEMSELVES INTO MARRIAGE.
So we can’t know if the producers made Matt contractually obligated to get engaged, or whether he felt truly “in love” with Shayne and was thrilled to have found her. We GUESS about it.
We hope it was romance, because Matt looked so relaxed and happy in that romantic ending.
But, it’s nearly impossible to know WHAT a man is feeling until he simply does what he has to do to keep you!
No matter WHAT he says or doesn’t say.
I was at an engagement party Saturday, and what I saw was a man completely smitten by his bride-to be.
His face was aglow, he looked at her like she was a goddess. She was completely at ease, totally secure, calm, lovely.
He was leaning forward, totally into her, and she was leaning back, softly open to him.
And yet – I could say all this and see all this about a couple who were merely “dating” and might break up the following week.
So what’s the difference?
The difference is that the couple I saw yesterday were ENGAGED.
They have a wedding date and a honeymoon set up. He’s done what he has to do to get this woman.
And so, what you and I see when we look at them is seen through the filter of that commitment he’s made to the relationship.
This happens with celebrities all the time.
People say about them “they looked totally in love,” but then he walks away the next week.
The difference happens when the engagement happens.
Even then, things happen, as you’ve read about here (I know many women who actually called off their own weddings), and perhaps from your own experience, too, but it’s really rare compared to what happens when you’re NOT engaged.
So, Amanda made an assessment of what was really going on when there was absolutely no way to KNOW what was really going on.
I would like to talk about WHY Matt chose Shayne over Chelsea, and about how some of the things Chelsea and Amanda said to Matt and then to the cameras as they were being driven away told us more about them and why Matt didn’t choose them then all the footage we’d seen up until that point
I’d like to talk, too, about how Shayne (for the cameras, anyway) was able to combine a strong inner sense of herself with an ability to be totally soft and open and warm and gracious on the outside, and that the other women demonstrated just the opposite – a tendency to protect their hearts in a way that came off as COLD.
And about, also, a really interesting comment Matt made to his parents – that he felt most “at ease” with Shayne, but most “passionate” with Chelsea. All of this is perfect for us to work through with the Rori Raye Mantra and all my Tools.
For now, though, I’d like to talk about this awful feeling of being “fooled.” In The Bachelor, it’s very dramatic.
Imagine yourself as one of the last three women. One moment, the man you love is dating two other women that you KNOW and LIVE WITH!
And the next moment, one of you will be gone.
When he’s with you, it feels great.
You get along, the chemistry is amazing, you laugh together, and he says wonderful things to you.
How do you stay open to him without taking the risk of getting your heart crushed?
What these women on this show are being asked to do is just that – and in an impossible situation.
And yet – that’s what we face in REAL LIFE every day. There are just no guarantees.
So, for Amanda and Chelsea, they tried to bridge that gap of being open and warm and yet keeping themselves from getting hurt, and in the end, it hurt just as much as if they’d opened up.
Because they all tried to open up in the WRONG WAY.
They were encouraged every step of the way to open up their feelings about MATT.
They were encouraged to put their hearts on the table before HE DID. Those were the rules of the TV show.
They were told to give him emotional presents – like scrapbooks and pictures that demonstrated their “love” for him. They were told continually (and they talk about it all the time to the camera), to tell Matt how much they love him, how much they were “here” for him…and yet – when Amanda and Chelsea were sent home, Matt acted as though it was just “the way the game went.”
He had no way of acknowledging the depths of feeling these women had risked and how humiliated and FOOLED they felt.
And if you saw the last show, you saw how horribly Chelsea reacted – it’s as though everything small and petty and cold in her came up all at once and showed itself.
You could see Matt tense up and back away from her. It’s easy to say “she was hurt, and she said what was in her heart,” and yet – the person she was most angry at was herself, for being “fooled.”
Amanda was angry, too – she felt Matt had told her lies to her face, but if you look at the shows
– all you see is him ENJOYING her company.
He makes no commitment. He says he “loves being with” her, but he doesn’t say he’s “in love” with her. He doesn’t offer a ring, because he can’t. He has to wait until the finale.
So, if you can’t get your man by closing up your heart to protect it and ending up “cold,” and you can’t get your man by baring your soul and hoping he’ll do the same, what can you do? How can you avoid getting FOOLED, and still stay warm and open?
It’s all about NOT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. We women get ourselves into trouble by assuming that what means something to US means something to a man, too. And it usually doesn’t.
Something he says or does, or something we do with him together can mean “commitment” and “love”to us. While, to him, it just might mean a “nice time.” Sex might be off the charts for you and so you feel an intense, deep, profound connection that can only mean “in love” to you – but to him it just means off-the-charts sex, which can be COMPLETELY different than romance and “love” to HIM.
So, the way to save yourself is this: Never assume ANYTHING. This way, you can open your heart up wide!
You can take in every wonderful moment with a man without EVER getting FOOLED – because you didn’t assume this moment meant something it didn’t.
And so you won’t DO something that you would ONLY do if it meant what you want it to mean.
That means you won’t have sex unless you KNOW it means what you want it to mean. You won’t become exclusive with a man just because he asks or it feels convenient – if it doesn’t mean the kind of SERIOUS commitment you want it to mean. That means you take nothing for granted – even that he’s not dating other women – until you know for sure that he’s not.
And even one step further – that even if he’s NOT dating other women – that it actually MEANS what you want it to mean.
That he’s not dating other women because he intends to be with YOU for the rest of his life, and so he wouldn’t DARE do anything to lose you, and plans to finalize this with marriage or the commitment of your choice right NOW. No guessing, no assuming.
I hope Chelsea and Amanda took the huge amount of goodwill they received from the millions of men and women who watched their journeys on TV, and took, too, everything they learned and enjoyed about their experience, and will open up to the next man even more.
I hope they see now that the way to open up to a man is NOT to talk about their passion for the MAN, but to talk about and share and express and LIVE their passions for themselves and their lives, and what they find important and care about in the world.
It’s the day-to-day things we care about and put our hearts into that, when expressed to a man, show him who we are and allow HIS love and HIS feelings to come to US. And we can do that all day and all night and NEVER, EVER feel “fooled.”
This week, let me know how this Not Assuming Anything Tool works for you.
From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters