How To Handle The Big Feelings

What is emotional “Intensity”?

by Rori Raye

I remember years ago, when I was a single girl in New York City, depressed from my last break-up and trying to create a career in a new city, how one of my girlfriends – Karen – said about another girl friend – Sheri – “She’s just so intense…it’s hard to be around.”

I was pretty much stunned. I recognized that I wasn’t actually “excited” to be around Sheri either (as what Karen said made me think about it, I realized she seemed to “tire me out”), but I never would have thought to call her “intense.” I thought it was just because both Sheri and I were depressed, and being with her just made me go more into my own depression.

I actually couldn’t put my finger on it then at all, what it was about Sheri that “put off” Karen and tired me out. In fact, I was amazed that Karen didn’t feel that way about ME – that I was draining her, too.

After all, we were ALL a bit intense.

We were struggling actresses, living month to month. I was making a little money doing commercials and plays, and I knew Karen was working days and nights as a hostess in a restaurant, doing a job she didn’t want to do, and she didn’t seem all that happy much of the time, either. But she WAS more fun to be around than Sheri.

Now I know what it was about Sheri. It was as though she was a “black hole” – where she unconsciously “sucked up” energy from the people around her. And it was so not on purpose.

She was nice, she paid attention when you talked, she didn’t cry on your shoulder any more than anyone else, she got up and out of the house like we all did – it was an ENERGY thing that made Karen feel drained when she was with Sheri – enough to actually TALK about it and decide not to go somewhere if Sheri was coming along, too. It had something to do with the intensity of how she was BLOCKING her emotions.

The intensity of how she was dealing with her feelings – not the feelings themselves – was making her TENSE. And this TENSION was what was wearing Karen and me out.

So here’s a quick Tool (I’ll be writing a lot about this “black hole” idea and how energy works): Start to notice what’s going on when your man is leaning away from you, or not calling, or has started to act more like a “friend” than a “suitor.” Start to notice at a party which men come up to talk to you, and what happens after a few moments of conversation.

What I want you to NOTICE is this – are these men leaning TOWARD you – or AWAY from you?

Once you start to notice, we’ll take it a few more steps…

In her books, CDs, DVDs and seminars, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own, now-glorious two-decades-long marriage around. I’m a trained relationship coach, a former crisis counselor, and through my eBook, programs and newsletter, I’ve helped thousands of women succeed in love by teaching them the Tools I’ve created and developed with my clients – Tools that work quickly and effortlessly to change a struggling love life into Happy Ever After. 

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