by Susie and Otto Collins
As I’m talking to other women, one of the biggest relationship questions is how to feel and express yourself when you get triggered–so that a man can hear and not shut down to you.
In other words, the question is how do you soften into who you really are and still have boundaries and still be able to say no when it’s called for?
How do you feel and express yourself when you get triggered–so that a man can hear you and not shut down to you.
Here’s What’s Interesting About This Relationship Question…
You and I both know that when you’re feeling resistant and “hard” toward your man, it doesn’t lead to more intimacy and the love you want in the relationship.
It leads to more distance and feelings of aloneness–even when you’re in the same bed with your man.
I can hear what you might be saying right now…
And it might go something like this…
“Okay, Susie, that’s all well and good BUT I’m justified to pull away from him because of the way he acts! There’s no way I’m opening to him after the way he’s been.”
If that’s what you’re thinking, I can certainly sympathize because I’ve felt exactly that way many times before.
I know I SHOULD open to him but it’s not really in me to do it–and I feel like if I did, I’d be giving ME away.
For me (and maybe for you too), it comes down to this question…
“How can I open and soften toward him if he’s just acted like a jerk (in my judgment) without losing my power and giving up me?”
Believe me–I’ve played with this one for quite a few years and here’s what I’ve discovered…
You can do both–you can open and soften so you can listen and talk to him and still stay into the truth of who you are.
Here’s What Happened Yesterday In My Relationship…
Because I broke my foot, I’m not able to take my share of the chores around the house and most of them are falling on Otto.
While he’s wonderful about taking them on, it’s not easy for one person to get everything done.
So although for the most part we’re very loving with each other, sometimes we’re not.
Yesterday, Otto made a comment in passing that previously would have triggered an angry response in me–and a sarcastic remark– that certainly would have instantly brought up his defenses and anger.
Even though I realized that uncomfortable feelings came up, I didn’t respond.
I just took a breath and sat with those feelings until they had less of a charge to them.
Later I asked him this question in a way that invited an answer instead of pushing him away…
“When you said ———————–, I’m wondering what you meant by that.”
After Otto explained the meaning behind his words, I was able to understand where he was coming from when he said them and realize that they weren’t disrespectful towards me as I had imagined.
Because I didn’t automatically react to what I thought Otto said, we were able to clear up a misunderstanding very quickly in our relationship.
Did I lose myself by opening to him and asking that question?
Of course not.
Did our connection stay close because I chose to be curious and find out more?
So if you can relate in any way to what I’m saying, I’m inviting you to practice what I’m suggesting and see what happens in your relationship.
Much love to you,
Susie’s Quote Of The Week…
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
From Sarah: All of the editors here at LoveRomanceRelationship were looking for a program for you that would help you SALVAGE a relationship – fix it when things go bad. The nuts-and-bolts of it. And we discovered that our “jealousy” experts – Susie and Otto Collins – wrote this incredible piece on how to tell a man about your upsets, your disappointment, your anger – WITHOUT making things worse – and, in fact – making things so much better that it feels like you have a new-found intimacy and a whole new relationship! The book is called “Stop Talking On Eggshells” – and as a woman who instinctively wants to walk and talk on eggshells with a man, this book is like magic for me. Go here if you want to learn – quickly – the exact way to talk to a man when there are big problems between you, in a way that can turn things around fast in your relationship–>>