How To Dial Down The Anxiety In Your Love Life

One of the worst feelings is being in love with with someone and having no idea where things stand in the relationship.

by Jen Michelle

I talk with many women everyday who are committed and exclusive to a partner who is not taking the relationship to the next level.

This could mean getting married, saying “I love you”, moving in together, etc.

This creates a source of great anxiety and tension around the relationship. A common dynamic is that in the beginning the man was working hard to move the relationship forward. He introduced you to his closest friends and family, he talked about the future, and shared the things he wants in a life partner.

It is easy to then misinterpret this to mean more than it actually does.

For the purpose of this article I am talking about the masculine and feminine energy dynamic. This is not gender specific, but there generally has to be one of each energy type in a relationship to maintain harmony.

The masculine energy is the action-oriented, planning, moving things forward, problem solving partner.

The feminine is the softer, lighter, accepting, present, and trusting energy partner.

In order for a partnership to be balanced, this dynamic must exist.

I had a coach tell me many years ago that there can only be one CEO of a household. If both partners are in the masculine energy trying to be the planner and decision maker, there will be an imbalance.

Conflict and disconnection will occur as a result of this power struggle.

This energy exchange is an important one to consider when entering a relationship. We get to decide what we want and what works best for us, we simply will need to have a partner with the complimentary energy to maintain the balance.

In the first three months of a relationship, often called the “honeymoon period”, the energy dynamic is balanced.

Often women will get caught up in this and make a commitment to be exclusive too soon because of the actions he is taking during that early period. We will see all the things he is doing as getting us closer to our goal or the level of commitment we desire.

Yet to a masculine energy man, he is simply living life. He is having fun and not thinking about it from that perspective at all.

Before we know it, we have put all of our energy and focus on him and the relationship.

It then becomes a necessity for everything to work out! We have cut ourselves off too soon from other options. As this dynamic progresses, imbalance starts to occur. He will then pull back and create some distance and space.

It is what we do from here that is critical.

When we feel that distance and withdrawal we instinctively want to move closer to maintain the same level of connection and intimacy.

As we do this, the energy exchange is thrown off because the dynamic has shifted where we are now in our masculine energy. He then begins to pull back and withdraw even more as this is not attractive to him.

Anxiety and fear come up and start to lead us. We find ourselves in a situation where we begin to do all of the lifting in the relationship. We initiate, call, text, talk about the relationship, and plan for the future all on our own. He is doing none of those things, and the dynamic start to feel “off” at a gut level to him.

We also start to feel a ton of resentment, fear, low self worth, the need for approval, and allow ourselves to take much less than what we deserve. He has metaphorically left the relationship ball on the ground and we have become the only person engaged in the “game.”

How to turn this around:

I recommend that we start shifting our focus completely and consciously “date” ourselves.

This means we are getting our focus off of the relationship. We start to do things that feel good and that do not depend on what he does or doesn’t do! We stop needing anything from him to be okay and create space to find that within ourselves.

This looks like the things we did before or in the beginning of the relationship. This is about getting to know ourselves again and strengthening THAT connection first.

I will often receive the question:

Shouldn’t I talk about it? Shouldn’t I share everything I’m feeling about the relationship?

This is not the answer and will create more disconnection.

This is about surrendering control and letting go.

As we practice this through actions and not words, the energy will start to shift. The attraction will start to grow. Things will feel less heavy and intense. They will no longer feel desperate and like a life or death situation!

As we increase our own value from within and not from the relationship, we are reminded of all the things we love about ourselves.

We are reminded that we are beautiful, worthy, and capable. He then is drawn to this energetically and will feel at a gut level that things feel right.

As we do this, I also recommend to replace all the negative thought patterns with new positive thoughts of gratitude for what he has to give right NOW vs. what we want and he isn’t giving. As we learn to appreciate the present moment with our partner, we build a strong foundation and connection. We are no longer focused on what he is not giving and are instead focused on what he is giving. Love and gratitude replace the scarcity and lack mindset.

When we can bring gratitude to all the things that he is doing yet doesn’t have to be doing, everything changes.

THIS is what takes a relationship to the next level and allows love to grow.

This is that deep connection that cannot be put into words or explained. So often we think that we will be happy when he does a certain thing or says a certain thing…yet in reality it’s the other way around. We have to be happy with ourselves BEFORE he is inspired to give us that. It’s when we let go and don’t need anything so much that we then are in a position to receive even more.

Note from Jen Michelle: “As a Certified Relationship Coach with a Masters in Social Work, my passion is helping my clients figure out what’s not working in their relationship and their lives and getting them back on track. I have techniques, scripts and personal experience that you can learn from and use to turn your love life around to find and keep the man of your dreams.”
Her program “When He Walks Through The Door” applies to any stage of love, whether you’re dating, in a new relationship, or want to attract a man back!

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