by Dominique

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as a child did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I’m here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That’s not to say that there isn’t room to expand your horizons; there’s always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It’s not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It’s mostly about reprogramming destructive thought patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform yourself from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. It’s also about your changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It’s also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests.

The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest for now, for truthfully others do not see you in bits anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms, eg. I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy, I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I’ve learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of your favorite wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishly bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you’re not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it’s good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up,or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background. Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. That’s okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain.

So allow all feelings to flow through you, for they will morph.

Observe them, feel them completely, and then let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.
I’ve been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of “I’m just not enough in any way,” but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed.

I know now that I’m more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple, not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

Dominique is amazing.  She’s written a great book called Sex and Heart – about how to save your relationship if your man is watching porn and not giving you the attention, affection and love you want and deserve…check it out here, and get Dominique’s FREE report for yourself: To Dominique’s Free Report->


  1. Mandi G. on November 12, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    Tinque, thank you for this article. It really hit home for me. The bubble bath tip was especially good, I think in terms of making yourself feel sexy and desirable even though you might not feel that way naturally.

  2. Jayson on November 13, 2008 at 2:02 am

    Thank you, this is valuable advice. One of the things that has helped our marriage is that we always compliment each other on our appearance. Not only does this help self-esteem, but it encourages us to look our best in front of each other. And, it changes our mindset to believe the other always does look good!

  3. Scott on November 13, 2008 at 5:02 am

    This is a great article. I am going to have my wife read it actually, as she has these very issues in our relationship! Thanks so much! Hopefully this will help her on the road to recover and realizing just how great she truly is!

  4. Marie-Jeanne on November 15, 2008 at 9:49 am

    I used to have a wonderful boyfriend who was telling me everyday how beautiful
    he thought I was … I used to work in public having people telling me how beautiful I was… Now I am single, unemployed, broke, getting older … I miss the attention…
    I still try to get dress in the morning & so I can look good for myself… (for now)
    I am only getting close to 40 & I am still very young (with my gray hair) but in ”FAKE” society it is old for a woman. ”Friends” in my hometown, sometimes like to remind me: ” How stunning I was in my twenties, How muscular I was, BLABLABLA…”
    Well … my grand-pa got remarried last year at 93.
    I still have plenty of time left in order to meet the right one who will appreciate me for all of my beauties….. In the meantime, I am enjoying the pleasures & advantages of being single. Thanks for the tips in order to help my self-esteem on my own.

  5. Editor on November 16, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Marie-Jeanne, Thank you for your amazing, heart-felt comment, and I want to personally wish you all you need to get back on your financial feet and find the love you want. Sincerely, Sarah

  6. Azzia on November 16, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    Thank you so much for this article. This has been an issue in our marriage since the birth of our child. I seem to struggle with being not enough of a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend and a person. It seems I was trying too hard to please everyone and ignoring the things I didn’t want to face about my changed self.

    Your advice about not listening to others is just what I needed to hear. Thank You.

  7. Pierette on November 16, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    Tinque, you hit the nail on the head. We undermine our own happiness by listening to the voices in our heads that bring us down. My beloved and I both know what this is like because of our similar pasts, always believing everything was our fault and that if we had each worked a little harder or been a little better person, the outcome would have been different. Not only do we each work on making the other feel “worthy”, we each acknowledge our own self-worth. He tells me every day how much more confident and happy I act, and I know I’ve seen the same change in him. These affirmations really work to make a huge positive change in our lives.

  8. tinque on November 17, 2008 at 10:38 am

    To everyone who has responded to my piece,
    I’m deeply touched and grateful for all the wonderful, from the heart comments and personal sharings. I realize I’ve only touched on what is a vast topic, something so many of us suffer with and mostly silently, painfully.
    This is something I too have to work with within myself all the time. As alone as we can feel in our troubles, our self-perceived quirks or failings, we are not alone. I believe we all struggle with this to some degree at some point in our lives, sometimes triggered by an event, and sometimes it’s just part of our process, as we peel away the layers of protection put into place over years of neglect and abuse on whatever level and in whatever capacity.
    I feel for you all, for it is indeed difficult at times. I’m happy that many of you have found some peace with this piece or at least acceptance. I also want you to know that if the lying voices do rear their ugly heads, and they likely will, it’s okay. Yes it will hurt. You may feel like they’re winning, taking over again. You may start to despair, but notice that this time it’s maybe not as deep as before or as all consuming. With all you have, remember that you were able to quiet them before. You will again. Breathe into the hurt. Sink into the pain. Meditate. Bathe yourself with whatever gentle love and kindness you can summon. Believe it will pass, for it will. You will feel good again.

  9. Chellybella on November 18, 2008 at 10:18 am

    Thank you for this article. Some of the suggestions you make seem so far out of reach for me, I feel so far gone into a pit of self loathing. You say to focus only on the good when you walk by or look into a mirror, usually I avoid them at all costs. I hate looking at myself. Maybe I will try to start with this one, baby steps.

  10. sk8 on November 18, 2008 at 11:07 am

    well, i was always asking my self if i am enough, i just cant believe that i am enough for him. i always think that i am not enough in some things that he will found another one that is better in those things. i try very hard to be in enough in every way to be his best and his the only one. this article is very interesting and helpful. it inspired me to be my self and if i want to keep something with all my heart i’ll do it no matter what. this is also an advice for me that i will use. thank you!!!

  11. tinque on November 18, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    My heart goes out to you. I’ve been where you feel you are and still to this day I can feel remnants of that same icky energy run through me once in a while. It does feel awful.
    Changing perspective takes time and constant practice. Please be gentle with yourself, baby step by baby step. You will breakthrough, and each time you feel a breath of relief, your strength to continue will be renewed.
    You may want to consider working one on one with me or someone else if you have trouble doing it alone, especially in the beginning. I did and am so very glad for it.
    The best to you.

  12. sonica on December 14, 2008 at 3:38 am

    This is a really wonderful article, which will help me convince my friend that looks are not everything. My friend has low self esteem and always feels inferior, as she is average looking, and she wishes to look like a diva or pop star. She spends loads of money behind cosmetic changes, in order to look attractive. I think God has made us as we are and we should be happy with our looks and not belittle ourselves. Thanks for such a nice writeup, I will send this article to my friend, and hope it hleps her overcome her problem.

  13. khushe on December 14, 2008 at 11:33 am

    I really appreciate your advice.I am also a victim of these negative thoughts. My husband just bought me a new car and I don’t know how to drive. I was feeling that I would never be able to drive nicely and my husband would feel bad about me. But after reading this post I have gained some confidence in myself.

  14. Vicky on December 15, 2008 at 4:30 am

    Well the advice is really good and thankful . It makes sense to compliment each other as that makes other feel that you are not taking him for granted . Also , One’s love for other may just not be based on looks . After reading this confidence is buzzing on me that i can impress my girl friend even more not by merely my looks a

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