by Christian Carter
So, let’s take a few minutes and talk about why it can be so difficult to communicate with a man on a date or in a relationship.
Here are some of the “root causes,” and how I see them…
1) “Scarcity” Thinking
If you’re dating a man, or in a relationship that’s new, and you have strong feelings for him… it’s easy to start to feel more and more worried and DESPERATE about whether things are “ultimately” going to work out in the long run.
A large part of this comes from your own mindset of “scarcity”.
The more you start to like a guy, the more you start to worry, get nervous, act overly emotional and sensitive, and become less comfortable and confident around him.
On the other hand… it’s probably also very easy to date, have fun, and be your “best self” around guys who you don’t care that much about.
How’s that for twisted irony?
But more importantly, why does this happen?
How Does Scarcity Thinking Enter the Relationship?
It comes from the fear that you don’t have any other options… and that you believe that it’s VERY UNLIKELY that a man will ever really like you or love you.
When you feel this intense subtle unconscious fear… it’s THEN that the single man in front of you becomes so precious and valuable that you lose control of your own emotions and your behavior.
Translation: You want it too badly and you start acting “needy” or desperate.
Of course, wanting love isn’t bad.
And wanting a man isn’t bad.
But allowing your negative beliefs about yourself and your future to take over and control you is bad.
What happens is that your emotional system is AUTOMATICALLY triggered in a negative way… because at some level you realize that if you screw this up, it’s all over.
Your emotional system starts to behave like your situation really is life or death.
And with this happening, no matter how hard you try, your fearful and negative emotions are going to show up and TURN HIM OFF in a big way.
2) Wanting A Boyfriend Before You Know The Man
Now, if you have a guy you’ve been dating for six months, and you’ve decided that he’s one in a million, it makes sense to put a lot of importance on your relationship with him.
But, if you don’t know a guy very well, or you haven’t even dated him at all, then you are only setting yourself up for major disappointment by putting too much importance, or your emotional well-being, on how things go with him each day.
When you do this, you’re not actually falling for the real guy in front of you…
You’re falling for the POTENTIAL.
By definition, you’re going to be upset and frustrated when you find out that your IDEAL isn’t REALITY…
And you’re going to start doing and saying things that will frustrate, confuse, or turn a man off simply because he’s not the guy you made him out to be in your own mind.
Even though he might actually be a great guy as he really is.
3) Thinking you can “talk him into loving you”
This is a HUGE issue.
Most women who find themselves having to be the ones to “pursue” the man they desire subconsciously start trying to CONVINCE him that he should feel a certain way about them, and want a certain kind of relationship.
When you think about this, it only makes sense… of course you’d want the man you like to feel the way you do… so he’ll love you back and want to be with you.
But have you ever thought for a moment how an interesting, attractive, indepedendent, successful man sees it when a woman tries to CONVINCE him of how he should feel?
Or what kind of relationship he should want, and when?
Well, here’s the INSTANT and SUBCONSCIOUS response that men have:
“She’s trying too hard. There’s something wrong and I’m starting to not feel the same way I felt when I met her. She’s already acting insecure and she must have something bad going on inside her. I don’t want to get involved if this is how she is.”
In other words, the INSTANT you do something or say something that is an obvious attempt at convincing a man, his radar system screams:
By the way, there’s a much better way to go about making it so that the man you want has INTENSE FEELINGS and wants to be with you as well-
The Secret to Building Your Relationship:
What do men want and gravitate towards more than anything else when it comes to women?
Women who are ATTRACTIVE.
Instead of trying to talk to a man, or convincing him to be into you… if you can learn how to create the FEELING of ATTRACTION inside of him, you won’t need to do much else besides let him come to you.
4) Communicating Your Expectations In An Accidentally Negative Way
When you start getting your hopes and expectations up, you begin to get ATTACHED to them.
Then you run the risk of HOLDING ON TOO TIGHT to your little fantasy.
Men don’t date women and feel comfortable and excited to be with them when the woman starts off assuming too much… and turns the time they spend together and their relationship into what feels like a “requirement” or an “obligation”.
Remember, a good guy is used to having women want to become serious with him VERY QUICKLY… even though HIS MIND doesn’t always move at the same pace.
Often times, before a guy has had a chance to know if his relationship with a woman is something he really wants and could last… she’s already getting UPSET that he’s not “ready” the way she is.
In fact, some guys almost EXPECT to date a woman and then have her say, “You know, I’m a little frustrated or bothered by the way you are with me and our relationship…” or some other equally predictable and subtly negative statement.
Just like being desperate can destroy your chances with a man… liking a man too much, too fast and then communicating your own expectations to him through your negative emotions leads to bad outcomes as well.
Now, think over what I just said…
I’m basically saying that if you want to cure the problem of why it can be so hard to talk to a man when you’re dating and about moving things forward… then you have to go INSIDE first and become aware of what’s going on for yourself.
And then see how this affects HIM.
The GOOD NEWS is that doing this kind of “introspection” is not only good for you, it also helps you once you do have a great guy and a real relationship.
Christian Carter is the most caring man coaching women out there…he’s so sweet, so handsome, and he’s been working with women for so long he really understands how we work, and is committed to helping us crack the code of men and taking the mystery completely out of relationships. Go to get his free newsletters right here and take the mystery out of your relationship->