christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

Check out this great question I got from a reader about getting back with her ex. It’s a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men:

Reader: “Dear Christian, I’m sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he’s dating someone else. (he doesn’t know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he’s dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her. Please help! Sincerely, Needy and Hopeless”

My Answer: Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here. Let’s look at a few of them….

The first important issue is that you’re ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you. Please don’t be naive… Wake up!

Realize what’s going on here. If he’s dating someone else, you’ve got to start moving on. He doesn’t share your feelings of wanting to back together. If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize that he’s not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.

This doesn’t mean you should to go out and try to date right now, but you need to take your mind off him. This is hard for a woman when you still have feelings for him…. but you’re setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment. Yeah, I’ve seen couples get back together like this… but the odds are things don’t look good for this old relationship.

The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you’ll be. Trust me. And I know doing this is tough, but you’ve got to. You’re also making a lot of assumptions about his feelings when you say “he has very big feelings for me” when you know he’s dating someone else. Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on him and his feelings. If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you’ll see that his “feelings” are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort.

He’s already dating another woman. That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are. Here’s what I want you to do first and foremost…. Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF. Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions. Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he’s not committed to sharing his love with you. If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won’t expect…. Your ex-boyfriend won’t have the comfort of two women who both want his affection. He won’t know that you’re still there waiting for him – and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation. Until then…. For your own well-being, it’s important you let him know he can’t keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he’s dating another woman.

HERE’S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER: **** Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.

**** It’s wrong on several levels… for you most of all. When a man can have the affection of two women, and he’s in a place where he’s emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible! Not all men would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once. You don’t want to date a man that’s in this place in his life….. and I know because I’ve been this guy in my past! NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.

You can’t change a man’s emotional depth and where he’s at in his life. “Getting him back” is a bad idea. Rarely does this give you what you think you want. It’s a losing battle, and you’re going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he’s creating. If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You’re going against the odds. Don’t be “that girl”. And I promise that you’ll ruin your chances if you think you can “convince” him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other “gifts” to bribe him. I’ve watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times. IT DOESN’T WORK!

Instead, you should think about the times you’ve broken up and the times you’ve seen that he wasn’t personally ready for a relationship. Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back. Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what’s keeping you two apart now.

And once you start doing this, I think you’re going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you… Once your guy notices that he doesn’t have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he’s off doing god knows what with other women, there’s going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior. It doesn’t make “sense”, but that’s how it WORKS.

**** THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN’S SIGNALS AND IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM “UNAVAILABLE TOADS”….

**** You’ve got to learn to understand and identify “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men. If a man doesn’t know what he wants, he generally doesn’t want what he’s got. This may sound harsh, but it’s the truth of the situation. And even when it isn’t completely true, it’s a good rule to go by. A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his “Emotional Truth”.

If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that. But I see women do it all the time. The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he’s not “available” or interested in something “serious,” but the woman ignores them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes being with her when they’re together. In other words, she substitutes the physical connection, or even the occasional emotional connection, for the real relationship she wants to be in. WRONG!

Men have a different “love equation” from women: A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any interest in a relationship. That’s why it’s CRITICAL that women learn to read the signals that a man sends about where he’s at. Because he’s surely not going to just lay it all out there for you. I promise. If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it, and give me his mailing address so I can send him his prize.

When a guy isn’t interested in a relationship, and he’s doing something like seeing other women, here’s what most women start doing that makes things go from bad to worse…

They start trying to “fix” things, and “fix” the guy.

And then comes the “convincing” behavior, trying to convince the man that they are the right one for him, and that because they have such a great connection, a loving “relationship” is the only right way to go. I know, it sounds bizarre. Why would a man have a great woman and a great connection with her that felt amazing when they were together, and not want a relationship? I’ll get to that later…

…The thing I’m worried about here for you is that in trying to get your guy back, you’re making these mistakes that are like “man-repellent.”

So I’ll say it again. You can’t convince a man to want to be with you. I don’t know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes. Especially when it’s combined with him not “knowing what he wants”. This is CLASSIC man-speak for “I’m not emotionally available and I’m not ready for a real relationship.” When he can’t get in touch with his feelings and isn’t open to exploring them, it’s a text-book case of unavailability. I don’t mean that he can’t share feelings or some level of intimacy with you…. In fact, I’m sure he still likes to connect with you when things are easy-going and he’s not feeling “pressure” around you.

But your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially the right guy and ready for a long term relationship. I’m sure you’ve seen this since you’ve been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he’s not ready for. In his own way he’s tried to tell you this several times.

Here’s what he’s saying: Yes, I have “feelings” for you. And no… that doesn’t mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful. Take some time to think about the past with your ex, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future. If you’re honest about it with yourself, I don’t think he’ll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior.

Put more value on his actions, not his words. Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex. Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve. The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you’ll be.

And I think you’ll be amazed at the results.

First, I think you’ll just plain old feel better. But even better than that, you’ll be breaking the old connection that you had with your “x”. And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your old connection is actually the thing that’s going to change the situation for you the most and help get you the results you want.

Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him back, even when he’s with another woman, is making you come off in all kinds of ways that men just don’t respond well to. I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive. But the truth is that you’re just keeping this same old situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.

If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him you’re the right woman, you’ll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him – You first leave a space that he’ll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren’t acting the way you used to. Men love “new” things and curiousities. Plus, you’ll also be able to give him the space he’s tried asking you for in his retarded emotionally unavailable “man-speak”.

Something funny happens when a man gets the space he asked for – If you do it in the right way, he’s forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out that all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of “committing to,” etc. And being by himself, he’ll see that these things are really just in his own mind – and not bad things about YOU. In other words – he won’t keep taking all the old “stuff” from the past that wasn’t working and keep identifying it with YOU.

But you’ve to go know the way to “re-wire” the connection once you’ve broken the old one. And if you can do this, I guarantee he’ll come calling wondering about you. In my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”, I detail specific ways to communicate with men that will help you build that new connection. There are several psychological and behavioral “keys” that will help to open a man up, and just as importantly, make him feel that electric kind of ATTRACTION for you. I’m talking about the kind of attraction that gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to be with you right now AND far into the future. This goes for the “unavailable” guys too that seem to keep withdrawing and don’t communicate much about their feelings or what they want. These guys are the toughest ones. If there’s just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it’s this concept of only dating emotionally available men. In my ebook, I also talk about how to identify good men from the “unavailable” ones. If you’re dating, wouldn’t it be great to know what kind of guy you’re dealing with FROM THE START? And if think you’re already got an unavailable guy on your hands, and you’re wondering what you can do after all the frustrating disappointments that have gone on… There’s AN ENTIRE SECTION of the book dedicated to helping you both understand the emotional world of a man (yikes, right!) and how to lead him to a better way of being with and understanding you. So make the choice to do something about your love life and create the situation you want in your life. And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend, Christian Carter

From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->

12 Comments

  1. geetika on March 1, 2009 at 1:01 am

    this article is very interesting. it is very helpful too. personally i am sufering from the same situation so for me you have shown the way to be happy though it is tough. i will definitely follow what you have advised.
    thank you :)



  2. Angie on March 1, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    I liked this article. I especially like that Christian was bluntly honest that she’s ignoring the signs her ex is sending her. She should focus more on her and less on her ex.



  3. Erika on March 4, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Nice article, Christian.

    What I’ve noticed is that when people (not just women) stop focusing on “strategies” (such as needing to get a particular man back in a particular type of relationship, etc.) and start focusing on pure “connection” (such as sincerely engaging someone else where they are emotionally), things have a way of working themselves out. The guy may come back, the girl may move on, they may become good friends, they may decide to go their separate ways … suddenly the outcome becomes way less important. And that’s when magic happens and the girl ends up in a relationship — with the original guy or more likely with a brand-new guy — that feels relaxed and easy.

    cheers,
    Erika



  4. radhika on March 4, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    This article is really good. Its helpful to the youth to assess behavior the persons in front of them. Especially the tips provided in this article also helpful to assess the feelings their life partners and lovers.



  5. April on March 6, 2009 at 9:13 am

    Even though it is hard, sometimes we have to learn to let go. I know this woman thinks she loves this man, but he has moved on. I don’t know why she tortures herself so much. I think women are afraid that they aren’t good enough for something better a lot of times. I am willing to bet that if she did something for herself, like exercised, got a make-over, bought a new outfit or something, she would gain more confidence and realize she doesn’t NEED this man! He isn’t interested in her anymore so she should Move On.



  6. Angela on March 6, 2009 at 11:15 am

    This is great advice Christian! I think too many women spend the weeks after a breakup trying to get the man back, when really they should be focusing on themselves. I definitley think Sarah should take your advice.



  7. Editor on March 12, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Thank you for your comments, and Erika, I so agree with you about not liking “strategies.” It’s one reason i like Christian Carter and Rori Raye so much. Sarah



  8. Sasha on August 31, 2011 at 8:39 am

    i really need advice



  9. Sasha on August 31, 2011 at 8:43 am

    i have been with my bofriend for 2 yrs and we broke up in june 4 days before we officially broke up he had already went on a date with someone else… he was mad at me and this time he wanted to be done but its been about 2 months now and normally i wouldnt care i would be over it but i cant shake him i still think about him dream about miss him… i eeally want him back but i want him to approach me… but i dont have a cell phone so how can i do this… meanwhile he took pics on fb with her and he is like so in love with her so he says.. wat do i do??



  10. tulasi on September 27, 2011 at 3:59 am

    Hello,
    I am going through a similar situation. Isnt there any way to convince a man not to call off the relation for religious reasons.



  11. MINE on February 28, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Thank you for derailing the emotional roller-coaster I’ve been whipping around on. Thank you.



  12. jg on March 1, 2012 at 6:35 am

    my bf and I where together 4 years I broke up with him on dec 9th last night he sent me a text saying we could work things out over coffee but he will not set up a time or give me a date …is he just trying to shut me up ??I was texing him alot asking him what he wanted if he wanted me to go on with my life or if he wanted to try to fix things he would never say either way then yesterday he said I think we can talk over coffee and work on things , just not in text ok. what does this mean? he is seeing someone else or he was ..I have not asked about her and him but he jumped in to it two weeks after we split ….



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