Here is an email I received.
Hey Evan. I have had a pattern of being attracted to emotionally ‘broken’ or emotionally unavailable men. I thought I was over this since doing counseling but I’m still drawn to this type of man. Worst yet I pull away once I feel a love interest is getting too close. How can I break this pattern and attract the love I desire? -Sheina
I’ve covered this at length before:
I keep choosing unavailable men and can’t seem to break the pattern.
What to do with an emotionally unavailable man.
But today, Sheina, I’m going to give you you a killer metaphor that will allow you to take control over your destiny and live happily ever after.
I’m going to tell you something that perhaps your counselor hasn’t – in the hopes that it’ll jolt you out of your orbit and allow you to make different choices in the future.
You’re NEVER going to stop being drawn to emotionally unavailable men. EVER.
The same way someone who is an alcoholic still craves a drink or someone who is on a diet still craves something sweet, emotionally unavailable men are YOUR drug.
Thus, you are now given a choice – keep doing drugs or stop doing drugs.
Ex. Right now, I’m on a diet. I’m eating 100 calorie shakes while my entire family eats red meat and guzzles down ice cream. Do I want to eat what they’re eating? YES! Will it get me what I want in the long run? NO! So the decision is actually quite easy.
Continuing with the mixed food metaphors…
Very often when I tell women that bad boys are like steak and ice cream and while they taste great, you can’t eat steak and ice cream with every single meal.
When I say this, they get upset, because what they THINK I’m saying is that the alternative is kale and rice cakes.
True Love – lasting love – is found somewhere in the middle.
It’s not steak and ice cream. It’s not kale and rice cakes.
It’s chicken teriyaki with veggie stir fry.
It’s a tasty, healthy alternative in between the two extremes. That’s marriage.
If you’re someone who refuses to admit that chicken teriyaki stir fry (7 chemistry/10 compatibility) exists or refuses to date such men, you will continue to struggle, thinking the world is made up of only 10 chemistry or 0 chemistry men.
But if you embrace this tasty, healthy diet instead of giving into your old unhealthy patterns, it won’t be long before all of your problems magically go away.
Dating, ultimately, is about choices.
You can’t change to whom you’re attracted.
You can change who you sleep with, how long you waste on a dead-end guy, and how you cultivate a relationship with the 10% of men who are attractive and emotionally available.
I sincerely hope to see you there.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men. He has over 24 million blog readers, over 150,000 newsletter subscribers, and thousands of satisfied clients who find his take on relationships to be enlightening, entertaining and empowering. It wasn’t until Katz took his own wisdom that he met his future wife – and became a much better dating coach in the process. By opening up to a new kind of partner, Katz proved that to get different results in love, you have to make different choices. “I had to make fifteen years of dating mistakes before I finally figured out how to have a happy relationship. I believe firmly that the road to success is paved with failure, and since I’d failed so prolifically and ultimately found my own way, I feel uniquely qualified to help others have success in love.”