christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

I want to share what could be one of the most important things you ever learn about ATTRACTING and KEEPING the right man for you.

I’ll start here: “You can’t talk a man into feeling attracted to you, let alone want a relationship…” I realize that this may sound like an obvious statement, but judging by the emails that I get week in and week out, maybe it’s not as obvious as it might seem.

In fact, when I look at most women I know, even women who are real “catches” and have their act together… these smart women are also guilty of trying to talk and convince a man into feeling what they want him to feel. Heck, I’ve done this same thing myself with women I’ve dated in the past. And so have most other men.

It’s a common mistake both men and women make when it comes to love, dating and getting into new and uncertain relationships.

So, what do I mean by this silly-sounding statement that you can’t talk a man into feeling attraction for you, or talk him into feeling the way you want him to feel? Well, let’s start with some ideas that I hear in one form or another all the time from women. Here are a few I hear the most:

“We had an amazing time on our date and really connected on a lot of levels, so I can’t understand why he never called me back.”

“I’m tired of ‘dating’ and I don’t want to play games anymore. I just want to be myself.”

“I want a man who likes me for who I am. Otherwise, he doesn’t deserve me.”

“I give him everything he wants, and I do the nicest things for him… and I don’t understand why he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him.”

“He calls me and wants to spend time with me and be physical and intimate, but then he says he doesn’t want a relationship. I’m so confused because he says one thing, but does another, and I can tell he really cares about me.”

“We’ve been dating for a while, but things don’t seem to be going anywhere after some time… and I’m afraid of what will happen when I ask him where things are going and how he feels.”

And the list goes on and on… Now, I realize that these statements and the common situations I listed above are actually different from each other, and deal with different issues. But the fascinating things is that there’s a common denominator in each of them. It’s that if you’re in one of these situations, then… You’re not behaving in a way that is making him FEEL that intense kind of ATTRACTION that tells a man that he has to be with you, and only you.

And in most cases, instead of making a man FEEL the thing that will instantly win him over and have him throwing caution to the wind to make a go at true love and a great relationship with you… You’re instead trying to TALK or CONVINCE a man into logically becoming interested and “into you.”

I got one letter recently where a woman was telling me that she had been out on a date, and there was chemistry… but the guy hadn’t called back again and she still was interested in this guy and had to know what she could do. She seemed to think that just because nothing obvious was BAD about the date, that this man should also be interested and attracted to her and want to go out again… or else something was wrong with him.

Maybe she thought that a few more uninteresting dates that didn’t inspire the man to have to see her again would cause him to open his eyes and heart and see the light. Here are a few common problems that lead to “BORING DATE-ITIS” where men aren’t inspired and craving a second date to get to know you better:

Problem #1) Playing it “safe” and trying consciously to get a man to like you. This includes following his lead all the time, not saying anything about how you think or feel that you think will upset him, and making sure that you’re “polite” and never say anything that could be too controversial.

Problem #2) Acting “formal.” This is death when it comes to interest and attraction. A man either feels like he’s on a job interview and doesn’t become EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED with you… or he’s plain BORED with you and will have a hard time finding anything about WHO YOU ARE that is personally interesting. A man doesn’t fall for a “good” woman, and doesn’t want to be with her because she’s good. A man falls for a woman who makes HIM FEEL GOOD, and who is exciting and fun to be around – even if she is a little “bad.”

Problem #3) Being BORING. And talking about BORING things. At the top of the list are of course the things that women talk about and go to as a kind of “default” when they’re wondering what to say – jobs, family, weather, etc. Everything that makes up “what people talk about to get to know each other.” These things don’t really help us get to know one another.

Sure, they’re nice… but they don’t cost much for us to reveal, and we’d tell any stranger about these things if they asked in a nice way. But more importantly, they don’t create any kind of EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE or CONNECTION when you talk about them.

In fact, they put a man back into the mundane aspects of his everyday life… and he’ll bring those feelings to the table with him when you talk about all these things. And guess what happens then? He associates these boring mundane everyday feelings with YOU. And voila… you are another boring date with nothing special or interesting going on.

Now that I’ve covered a few of the problems and mistakes women make… I’ll give you some deeper insights about these and what you can do to quickly have the right man feeling an INTENSE level of ATTRACTION for you in no time flat.

TRYING TO GET A MAN TO LIKE YOU

Trying to get a man to like you before he really knows you has a strange and fascinating effect – It makes him feel the opposite of interested in you. It REPELS him.

I’ve heard about and watched women go about dating in the “proper” way for years now, and consequently do everything they can to try and get a guy to like them. Dating the “proper” way usually consists of talk about socially acceptable topics, asking the other person about themselves and not talking about yourself too much, and generally trying to make sure that the man is comfortable and has fun.

This is great, if you want to make sure that you and a man become great FRIENDS. But it practically guarantees that a man is NOT going to feel that special something for you that he can’t describe but makes him want to shower a woman with attention and love he never even knew he was capable of before.

Unless you’re Aphrodite the Goddess of Love who was the most beautiful woman on Earth… and men simply fall at your feet… then what makes a man interested in you as a woman for more than just a fling has nothing to do with being “nice”, getting along with him, and making him comfortable. Men are BORED TO DEATH BY THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

Here’s the thing… Without knowing that they even have an “approach”, tons of women use this “I’ll be like a great friend” approach when they go out with men. I probably don’t have to tell you how this works out 99% of the time.

Oh, there’s also my personal favorite approach women take on “unknowingly.” I call it the “volunteer therapist” approach. It’s when a woman starts digging for the things that a man is having a hard time about in his life, in hopes of connecting to him about something important in his life.

And when they find this thing inside a man, they use it to become his VOLUNTEER THERAPIST. As though if they can make things better for a man, he’ll magically transfer the understanding he feels into UNDYING LOVE. And talk about a terrible way to go about trying to start a healthy relationship. Remember, you can’t buy love. Not even with EMOTIONAL bribes. So don’t try.

When it comes to the kind of woman a man really wants and is looking for… being the nice and predictably boring woman will quickly put you in the “she’s sweet but it’s just not there” category. And you’ll forever be STUCK there once a man puts you in this category. That’s how it goes for most women who make these mistakes.

And becoming a man’s therapist will work great, as long as he wants a woman to vent to and make him feel better. But once he’s done with his therapy sessions, guess what happens to you? Exactly. He’s off the couch and out of Dodge. You don’t want to aim to be the kind of woman a man might finally recognize and decides after a little while could be a good partner for him because there’s something convenient you can do for him. This is the kind of woman a man can easily do without. And in fact, the kind of woman a man will PREFER to do without once he wants to move past all the “therapy” and issues in his life.

You need to be the kind of woman a man can’t help but LOVE and WORSHIP because the FEELINGS and EMOTIONS you spark inside him are so exciting and deep that he can’t help himself from feeling them. You need to do the things that will bring a man into his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS in an undeniable way no other woman has before.

And then, and only then, will a man truly and deeply NEED to be with you. And then, and only then, will a man instantly COMMIT on a physical and emotional level to a REAL RELATIONSHIP… without hesitation. There will be no more fear of commitment. There will be no more worries about the timing, or what if it’s too soon. And there will be no excuses like he’s not ready, he’s not looking, or he isn’t in the right place in his career to think about something serious.

All this can and will quickly disappear from a man’s mind once he recognizes you as the right woman. But he can only do that after he starts having all the FEELINGS and EXPERIENCES with you that show him that you are the one woman for him.

Oh, and if you’re struggling with your relationship with a man because things aren’t growing and becoming more and more UNCERATIN… And the man in your life is WITHDRAWN and DISTANT and you aren’t sure how to get him out of this funk and move your relationship forward to a deeper level of love and COMMITMENT in the future… then there’s something you need to stop and do right now.

When you meet a man for coffee, for dinner, or just to get to know one another, it’s time to have FUN. It’s not time to try and kiss up to him, or to be his therapist, or to massage his ego and tell him all the things he might want to hear. That’s what he has a mother for.

Playing it safe and kissing up to a man, or showing him that you nervously hope that he is going to like you and give you his approval is a sure way to get either a man who will take things to a physical level just because the opportunity is there… or a man who won’t call you back because he’s not interested for real.

ACTING “FORMAL”

Don’t talk about your job and your family for starters! BORING! There is plenty of time to talk about all this stuff and get into these things once you and a man are both EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED not just as two people, but as two people who are ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED in each other.

The romantic interest stuff (that spark) needs to be there and come together first on a date with a man before you get into all the predictable yadda yadda yadda stuff. Women who are trying to convince men that they’re “nice” or good people talk about their families and how good they are at their jobs. Or how they have their act together.

Let me give you a hint: Do you know what a “boring” and not so interesting woman acts like on a date with a man? Well, for starters she acts like he’s NOT COMFORTABLE in the situation…

She talks too much about things she thinks will make her look good.

She apologizes for the smallest little thing of no consequence like not being ready to order yet when the waiter comes.

She agrees with pretty much every opinion or belief a man has, or anyone nearby.

She constantly asks the man what he’d like to do.

And she holds her body in an unsure, insecure way that shows she isn’t very comfortable or in touch with her body or her sensuality.

That’s a good start of what makes for a boring and uninteresting woman to a man. Mix in a few uncomfortable silences and way too much talk about “He said/She said” or other peoples lives and relationships… and the associated dramas and you’ve got the makings for a man deleting your number from his phone as fast as he can!

So, what’s the answer? What’s the secret to making the right man, when you finally think you’ve met him and want to get to know him, feel attracted to you and not be BORED? I thought you’d never ask.

Here are a few ideas for starters:

Tip #1.

Talk about things you are passionate about. And no, I’m not talking about the 7 cats you have at home and how cute they are. Talk about something you like to do that has a PURPOSE. A man can and will relate to this… and he’ll start to see things in you he couldn’t see before.

A good example of this is a woman I know who loves to practice yoga. When she describes what it is about yoga that fills her inside and makes her feel great physically, emotionally, and spiritually – you can’t help but be drawn in.

Tip #2.

Talk about something that isn’t BORING, and instead a little out of the ordinary. One great thing to do is to get a man to talk about his life, then find things to make observations about that either let him know you “get him” and what he’s about (why he does what he does)… or find little things to tease him about. This is a great opportunity for building the kind of attraction that will carry into the future.

Men love joking and teasing. It’s their universal way of bonding. And when a woman is laid-back and comfortable and playful enough to not be completely serious and sincere 100% of the time, it’s refreshing and fun for a man. For example, if a man seems very hard-working and serious… you might make a flirty sarcastic joke like this:

YOU: “Well, it’s too bad you’re such a flaky slacker. I was looking for a man of substance. But I guess you’re still decent company.”

And you say all this with a warm and playful smile on your face to let him know you’re playing around. He’ll know you’re joking, and want to engage in the playful behavior with you.

HIM: “Well, that’s too bad because I was going to ask if you could start supporting me so I could stop working all together and just sit at home and watch TV all day.”

YOU: “Mmmm… what a turn-on a man like that would be for me.”

You get the idea… The magic here is if you can be SAYING ONE THING… but subtly MEANING ANOTHER THING. Men find this riveting and won’t want the fun and flirtation to stop.

Tip #3.

If there is a silence, NEVER let it be uncomfortable. I think that it’s great to stop talking when you’re first getting to know a man and enjoy a few silences where you’re either just having eye contact… or you’re simply in each other’s company but not “filling the space” with idle chatter 100% of the time.

If the conversation goes cold for a few moments, just pay attention to something else for a minute and don’t be afraid to engage in the environment around you. This includes talking and paying attention to other people in a fun and open way, or making funny or silly observations of what’s going on around you. Strangely enough, a man will want your attention more, and want to give you more attention, if you engage with other people around you more often.

Tip #4.

DON’T BE PREDICTABLE. The more predictable you are, the faster you will be considered BORING. Why? Long story short, there’s a region of the brain that is tasked with trying to figure things out ahead of time and recognizing them to make quick meaning out of them. If this part of our brain can’t easily recognize or predict something… we’re made to pay more attention to it. It’s an important part of our survival instincts as humans.

Which means… if what you say and do is easily predictable and a man feels like he’s heard what you’re saying before (especially from other women)… then you’ll by definition be BORING because you won’t get much of his attention or interest. And you definitely won’t cause him to have any kind of intense EMOTIONAL RESPONSE to you.

Luckily, the answer of what to do about all this is much easier than the “science” behind it all… Learn to say random things. Disagree with a man once in a while… even if it’s just for fun and playful teasing… and keep him guessing what it is you’ll say next and what it is you really mean. Then you’re sure to have his attention – and his interest. Plus, you’ll both have a great time.

OK, I think you’re getting the idea. Men don’t want BORING. A man would rather be with an interesting, fun exciting woman than the most loving woman in the world who was always serious.

Once a man starts to feel that magical emotional and physical response called ATTRACTION, the entire situation changes, and you start having the kinds of experiences most women only dream about with men. And your RELATIONSHIP falls into place all by itself… without you having to worry and deal with a man who seems “iffy” and UNCERTAIN about being with you.

Most men go through life WISHING, HOPING, AND DREAMING that they will someday find a woman who is both radiant, beautiful, fun, and can make them feel the amazing feelings that come from the ATTRACTION created with flirting, teasing, and UNPREDICTABILITY.

Your Friend, Christian Carter

From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->

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