by Rori Raye
If you’ve been struggling to get the man you’re with to fully BE in the relationship with you – to commit his heart and his mind to you – to fall “IN love” with you and not just “love you,” then you know men don’t “work” the same way we women do.
You know there’s got to be some way to make this kind of love happen for you, but you just haven’t found it yet. And you know for sure that what you’ve been doing – in fact, what you’ve always done (and most all of us woman have always done) – doesn’t work.
If you’re feeling stuck like this, you’re not alone.
I was there most of my life.
I’d get involved with one man way too quickly, give him my whole heart – even if he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship or wasn’t in love with me – and then break my own heart.
While I was writing this letter to you, I found myself going back over my whole history of my love life. Old feelings came back to me, and memories I didn’t know I had. Along with the horrible memories of Imaginary Relationships, there were memories of some men who’d loved me, but who I hadn’t loved. There were memories of a man I thought I’d lost because of the mistakes I was making, but in the memory just being with him feels bad.
I’m so glad I took a moment to look back at this, because it really comes down to what I teach – that you can use everything that’s ever happened to you to QUICKLY get the man and the relationship you really want.
It’s as though everything else was a warm-up to my husband.
I realize now how scared I was of the “Real Thing.” And how long I pushed it away.
If you’re like I was, you think that being “cool” and “helpful” and “nice” and even “understanding” is the way to a man’s heart. And, If you’re like I was, and so many of my clients were, you’ve worked hard to ACT “cool” and “helpful” and “nice” and “understanding” – and even “sexy,” and just been shocked when, not only does that NOT make your man come closer – it seems to create even MORE distance between you.
And then – you get angry. Angry and resentful and tense. And we all know what happens then. We start to feel totally unappreciated, and we tell him so. We start asking for the “basics” that we should always be getting from a man – affection, attention, great sex, fun, and we start feeling hurt and telling him he’s hurting us.
Every time we just try to “express” ourselves and tell him what’s wrong in the relationship and how it could be so much better – an argument starts. Pretty soon every conversation ends in angry words, and pretty soon conversation stops – because no one wants to fight, and yet – there’s a fight about everything. Sometimes we get so frustrated we want to leave, but most of the time we get so frustrated we just want to shake him.
When this goes on for awhile, we can get discouraged. We decide to work even harder at the relationship, and then what happens?
It all gets worse. Or we give up.
Well, I won’t let you give up. And you don’t have to.
There’s a way to undo all the damage that’s happened.and a way to make sure the painful patterns of anger and frustration never even get started.
Most of us think a relationship is about emotions, and we’re right about that – but we ususally end up focusing on the WRONG emotions – his.
So many of us get caught up in trying to make something happen on HIS END of the relationship – and that’s when we lose everything. The moment we start trying to manipulate him, or use strategy or play games to “get” him, or cover over our real selves in order to “please” him, we kill the love that’s already there, and cut ourselves off from love in the future. The moment we focus on HIM, instead of on ourselves, we lose ground.
But doing the opposite seems impossible. It seems hard. It seems way too scary – like letting go of the wheel of a car, or letting go of the rails when you’re up high or moving fast. And sometimes it feels impossible because we’ve never ever seen any other woman DO IT – and we have no clues about how to do it for ourselves.
So, how does a man fall in love?
And what does he love about you?
Well, first of all, if he’s dating you, he’s interested in you.
So many of us feel so bad about ourselves we feel honored just to be asked out – and that’s not the way it is. He’s asking you out because he’s attracted to you, he’s interested in you, and he wants to spend time with you.
But here’s a good question – does he have a checklist of his own for falling in love?
You know – the woman he falls for has to look a certain way, act a certain way, do certain things, have a certain background or certain skills? And the answer is – sure he has a checklist – going in. That means, he thinks he has a “type” and he thinks he knows what he wants. But all that goes out the window when he sees you. Attraction has nothing to do with a checklist.
And I’m not talking about sexual attraction (which is something most men can feel for almost any woman). I’m talking about EMOTIONAL attraction.
Emotional Attraction, for a man, can happen instantly. And that’s what you want to invite him to do – be instantly emotionally attracted to you. And that attraction will only GROW with time, as you allow him to see more and more of you by expressing your feelings in a way he can truly, deeply connect with, and let yourself be vulnerable in his presence.
The one thing I’d always done, and the thing that absolutely stops emotional attraction cold and starts resentment and fighting is PRETENDING. And most of us are so afraid of “rocking the boat” or “looking bad” or “being weak” that we pretend to be strong and end up closing ourselves off from our men.
And instead of our feelings coming out all soft and true and clear and authenic and emotionally appealing – they way they REALLY ARE – they come out all spiky and angry and forward leaning. They come out as complaining and demanding and attacking. And if we DON’T let them out that way, then we hold them in so long we either explode one day and destroy everything, or we get sick inside.
I don’t want you to have to go through any of that. I want you to know what it took me so long to learn. How to let your feelings out without pushing a man away. How to use everything you’ve ever experienced, even the painful things, to bring him close. How to just BE with a man so he’ll feel helplessly, deeply, emotionally attracted to you, fall for you, and work hard to keep YOU.
That’s the way it happens for a man, and it’s my mission to help you have that experience, right now.
The thing is, if you THINK you’re expressing yourself now, but he isn’t falling, chances are you’re doing it the old way – the way that doesn’t work. If you’re feeling angry and resentful and thinking it’s HIS FAULT, then chances are that the way you’re looking at this is a big part of the problem. It’s likely that the way you’re looking at it is actually both CAUSING you to be upset, and causing HIM to upset you in the first place.
If you’re tired of doing things the same way and getting the same results, then you may be ready to take a new step in a different direction.
From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters