by Allana Pratt
Here’s a heart-breaking letter from “very very confused” that’s so extreme, you might (like most women reading this) automatically see the obviousness of it – and yet, if you’ve ever felt confused, you know how hard it is to see clearly when you’re in the middle of a stressful situation with lots of physical chemistry flying around:
Dear Allana, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have both been sexually abused as children. A few years ago, he became injured and was on a lot of pain medication. He also suffers from PTSD from combat and anxiety and depression.
One night when I wasn’t home, he tried to touch my 18 year old daughter inappropriately. He apologizes profusely and says how it made him so sick when it happened. He says he now knows who he is and would never do anything like that again.
I know that I have done things that I am not proud of because of my abuse and his abuse was much worse. My daughter had forgiven him and told me that it was ok, but now she is saying that he sneaks around at night and watches her.
I don’t think he is doing that, but I didn’t think he would have done what he did to begin with. He got angry when she accused him of sneaking. She went to live with my mom. He knows that we have such a special love, something not found everyday.
I feel that I have no choice but to leave. It breaks my heart and I won’t go through this ever again. Do I have any other choice?
Thank you, very very confused”
Dear very very confused,
Whew. This is intense.
My gut says your daughter is telling the truth. She has even stood up for herself by taking healthy action, leaving and living with your mother.
He sounds sincere and also unable/stopped/blocked from making healthy choices.
Saying I’m sorry doesn’t make it better.
Changing behavior makes it better and his behavior seems to be “sneaking.”
About the “special love” you share:
You are seeing your mirror.
You are feeling seen, heard, gotten.
You are seeing your wounded mirror.
You are feeling the familiar feelings of confusion, betrayal, low self worth, unfairness etc. of being sexually abused.
I ask you to consider you may not be feeling love, but feeling your familiar wound.
It is our job as women and most certainly as mothers to protect ourselves and protect our children and HEAL our past wounds, grow from them and make new healthy choices.
Bless him for the lesson of showing you it’s time to heal, raise your standards, protect your children at all accounts, and change the ancestral pattern you’re living of abuse and questioning of self.
Take action to release the past, forgive, learn your lessons, develop healthy boundaries, develop your intuition and start trusting your instincts, and be open to a whole new definition of LOVE… where you are lifted, supported, honored, safe, encouraged to be the best you for YOU, for your KIDS and for the WORLD.
Allana is amazing. she’s the only single mom, dating, motherhood and love coach we know who actually shares her own life with you and teaches you how to get the life and love you want. The program she created for us – “Single Mom Manifesto” is filled with practical, spiritual, emotional – and did I say practical? ways to date men in the most effective way and to get and keep the lifelong love you want (or even the “for now” love you want). Go here to check out Single Mom Manifesto, watch Allana’s video, and see how she can help you go from the single women “label” to whatever you want in your love life->