Ok, this is what goes on in my head all night and day: why doesn’t he want to be with me?
(Here’s a letter from a 43 year old woman in Norway)
My spelling is not perfect because my language is Norwegian of course;)
How can I make him want me? What did do wrong? I shouldn’t have said that… I ruined my chances when I said that/ did that etc.
For about 10 months I have been involved with a man. We work together. We are both divorced and have children under 13 years old.
We have always had something special, and when we both got divorced (he was cheated on by his wife, and my marriage ended for other reasons), we started putting words into what we had. We fell in love, but we realized that we had to go separate ways first, just to settled things after the divorce. To be with our kids and to make them the number one priority, before we could start to see each other and start to date. This was February/ March.
The spring and summer went on. And we got to know each other by spending time together at work, and whenever there was a social happening at work (like a summer party etc). We called each other a lot at night and texted.
After the summer break I started to feel a little more ready to start dating him, and I felt that I wanted more from him. So I left some hints to see if he took the bait. He didn’t, so I pulled back again. And that’s when I started to learn about your tools Rori! I really started to focus on me and started to do Circular Dating. I found out that until August (from Feb/March) I had, in my head, thought that we would end up together someday. And that had an effect on the way I acted, talked and my vibe towards him.
I got in touch with ME, and started to make plans for my life. Men started to approach me:) And I flirted, but never dated anyone.
Within a month my guy had pulled me back and was started talking about the future with me. He was «all over me», calling me all the time, and really made an effort. This was amazing!
He still had a hard time at home, especially with his 12 year old daughter, who has problems related to the divorce and gets special treatment in school etc. But he felt that things were better, and that a cloud had gone away from his head, so that he could start to really flirt with me!
He moves closer and closer, and I did nothing, until… I said that I wanted to meet him, for like a date, and asked What he thought about that? He agreed, and we met one time after work. Had a great time!
Then he pulled away. And I can feel it happening. His daughter is not doing good, problems at school and she has anxiety. She is only 12, and he is really in a dark place now because of this. He gets sick himself due to stress.
A couple of weeks after this he is «back» and he is pulling me towards him again… But I think the «relationship» can not evolve more unless we start to spend real time together! Not just calling and talking over the phone, texting and talking at work! So we are sort of stuck…
We had a wonderful drive in his car for 1.5 hours about two weeks ago. We kissed. His eyes are always full of love for me. And I told him that in my life I wanted to date a man, and to have a man that I could spend time with, that I feel ready for that now. I have my children every second week, so I have time to see a man and do my stuff the other week.
That’s when he said that he wasn’t ready yet. He feels that he has to go through this thought time on his own. And he thinks that if he gets a girlfriend now, it would not work out because he doesn’t have a stable life.
I said that I understand, and What more can I say, it is an honest answer!
He knows that other men are interested in me. But we have never talked about it. That day, he wanted to know more, and eventually I told him about one guy that texted me and he wants to meet me. But then he gets angry, and says that I would not have liked if HE texted with another girl… he says that I could go on on my own, without me, if that’s What I wanted! But he did not want us to «break up», he wants to keep it as we have always had it… we didn’t talk anymore about that…
So now I am so confused! I really like him, he is like my best friend AND I am attracted to him. He has the qualities I want in a man. I honestly think he feels the same for me. And I know that he is not texting or seeing other women.
He has been open and honest. But he keeps pulling back whenever he has some issues in his personal life (his two kids). And that is, even if he has good reasons, not good for ME. I feel insecure and I get upset. I have at one point told him this. He tried to explain to me that it has nothing to do with me. But it still feels bad in my heart.
I don’t know What to do!
Should I say to him that it is best he works his way through this on his own, and I hope that I am here when he is ready? And then stop calling, texting and kissing him?
Should I say nothing and just concentrate on my own life and just see what happens? What do I do if he wants to kiss me? Should I say no?
I want to do the right thing! But I cant figure out What it is… and I am also so hard on myself about the things I have already said to him! That I have ruined everything by saying things incorrect..
Margareth, this is Rori, and thank you so much for your beautiful heartfelt letter.
I’m so sorry you are in this pickle and feel stuck. You sound awesomely sweet, totally kind and good, and inexperienced with men.
My advice is in this blog post, which will go on my blog in a few weeks. I hope this is helpful, though it might not be what you want to hear.
It’s not possible to “be in love” with someone who is not committed to you.
It’s chemistry, not love.
Love takes partnership where both partners are committed to the same goal: relationship.
It also can take time for a man to know what he wants to do.
In order to give a man time – it’s not necessary, for me, in my work, to stay in any way invested or committed to him.
This is what Circular Dating is.
A man should understand this, but, understandably, feels selfishly like taking control of the woman and STILL taking his own time.
Now for the advice:
This is the best advice – and you’ve given it to yourself:
“Should I say to him that it is best he works his way through this on his own, and I hope that I am here when he is ready?” And then stop calling, texting and kissing him? Should I say nothing and just concentrate on my own life and just see what happens?”
And this is what’s making all this so hard for you: “What do I do if he wants to kiss me? Should I say no?”
I do not know the culture in Norway, but I can’t imagine it’s so stifling that “a date” is so incredibly meaningful.
What you are stuck in is what I call an “imaginary relationship.”
He is behaving completely like “a friend.” If you were open to it, a different kind of woman than you are (and thank goodness you’re not!) – you might very easily be drawn into a “friends with benefits” situation. Very painful.
Circular Dating means that you have to look at “a date” as something simple, introductory, non-binding, not meaningful – nothing but “a date.” Coffee. Tea. a book store together. A walk.
A second date might be a dinner. A lunch, a game night, a club, a movie…
After awhile of “going out” and “hanging out” together in public, you might start hanging out at your home. Even while this is going on – you would STILL be “dating” other men!!!!
What this man says about being jealous or unhappy about you seeing other men is completely unreal, selfish, weird and inappropriate.
I do not like it, and, because he said it and seems to be holding you captive without doing ANYTHING for you – I do not like HIM.
You sound lonely, confused, and stuck, and he doesn’t seem to care about that.
Please consider liberating yourself from the grasp of this man, who is simply using you for the times when he’s lonely.
A man who wants you for real, who cares about you, will make that known, and if a man doesn’t make that known – you must RUN!!!!
I do like that he doesn’t want to “start” anything with you because he knows he isn’t ready for you to be his “girlfriend” – so he doesn’t want to harm you even more (or get himself in deeper) – and I do not believe that being a girlfriend means anything, anyway.
This is your one life. Do you want to spend it in bondage to a man who is stuck?
You have done NOTHING wrong, said nothing wrong.
The Circular Dating way to handle this would be to date him, kiss him, and ALSO date OTHER men, and kiss them, too! NO BOYFRIENDS – only men who want forever with you get to claim you completely.
And – do you feel able to do that?
To DATE, many men at once, at the level of physical connection you can be comfortable with with every one of them?
Please, please, pretty please see the men who WANT to be with you. Choose from THEM! Perhaps, in time, something will happen with this man, and he will become ready.
There is absolutely no good reason for you or any woman to “wait around” for ANY man.
In her books, CDs, DVDs and seminars, (<== Click Here for more great info) relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own, now-glorious two-decades-long marriage around.
“I’m a trained relationship coach, a former crisis counselor, and through my eBook, programs and newsletter, I’ve helped thousands of women succeed in love by teaching them the Tools I’ve created and developed with my clients – Tools that work quickly and effortlessly to change a struggling love life into Happy Ever After.”