by Rori Raye
Here’s a piece of a letter from Roxanne, dealing with “his ex-girlfriend“:
“Rori, I have been in a relationship for over 2 yrs now. He loves me, treats me like a queen. Made commitments to me but continues to sleep over at the apartment of his ex-girlfriend saying she is just an x and is doing secretary work only. They split over 4 yrs ago he lives out of town…So when here he stays with me 8-15 nites a month and then he also sleeps at her place when not with me. I feel like musical beds…He says he does not sleep with her or have sex but I question this. He does tell me he loves me, not something he tells others…
(Note from Rori – at this point, the letter-writer accepted a simple date with another man, and her man got angry…)
“I made a comment that he was free to do as he wanted – he was a free bird and so was I. If he wanted musical beds then so be it. But I would not clip his wings and I too am free…He left here angry and stomped out…Was this wrong or the dating thing since he had committed to me and we had discussed our relationship prior and I did explain to him I was confused and I needed him to help me understand his need to still sleep over there…when I am just less then a few blocks away… Did I make a mistake to try to date?
Here’s my answer:
Roxanne, the first thing I want to tweak seriously here is the order of things:
If you’ve “agreed” to “Exclusivity,” if you’re already IN the “Girlfriend Trap” – you have to TALK first, then date.
If you HAVEN’T officially made a commitment to exclusivity – you can date first, and THEN talk.
You’ve allowed your frustration and anger (justified, yes, by his ex-girlfriend and him) to run you, here.
What you have is a man who is not ready to “commit” – if commitment means to you living in the same house, perhaps even married.
Therefore – it’s an absolute TRAP for you to commit to ANY kind of exclusivity other than sexual – if that’s what you want (many women don’t require that – but that’s not me, and I don’t know too many women who could thrive in a non-exclusive sexual relationship – but I do know several, each quite amazing and unusual, yet I know it wouldn’t work for me).
You must Circular Date until you have the exact commitment you DO want. And clearly, you don’t have the commitment you want.
He’s Got His Ex-Girlfriend, How about You?
Now – under your current “contract” – he’s got you as a steady girlfriend – whenever he wants you, and he can hang out with his ex-girlfriend – or “friend” – whenever he wants to.
There’s not a man on the planet who doesn’t know what “commitment” means – it means living with YOU, not in two or three separate places – and he’s not at that stage yet.
The thing is – you can’t DATE other men out of spite, because of his ex-girlfriend. You can’t do it to get back at him, or to ASSERT your “freedom.” You do it for you. So that YOU feel sane, like you’re not waiting around. So you feel strong enough to be VERY SOFT when he DOES show up. In other words, so you’re not ANGRY with him for living his life the way he wants to live his life right now.
If you’re angry and resentful – it’s not because of what HE’S doing or not doing with his ex-girlfriend – it’s because you feel you’re compromising yourself, you feel stuck, you feel like you’re committing too much of your heart and time and energy to him and not getting it in return. It’s very important to “match” a man at the very most. The moment you start doing and feeling MORE – you’re going to feel angry and resentful.
So – this is something you’re in control of. Where you focus, and how you treat yourself. If you treat yourself wonderfully, you can feel open and loving with him, and that’s what you want.