by Rori Raye
Here’s a letter from Ellie – who’s stuck in a “friends with benefits” situation that she desperately wants to turn into a “real relationship.”
“I’ve written a few times before, and you might not remember my “story” but I need some support with what I’m going through, to just know that I’m doing what’s right.
I’ve been listening to your programs for the past 4 months, and following all of your advice, which has completely changed my life, and engaged the man I love into a wonderful relationship.
Even though the relationship is great (he is giving, he is generous, I receive his love, we never argue), I have been burdened deeply by this hang-up between us…that even though we’ve been together for 3 years and have continuity and longevity in our relationship…he is not monogamous with me. He doesn’t hide the fact that he sleeps with many women. I’ve known this for a while, although I didn’t know when we first got together.
For the past few months, I thought I could deal with it, that I loved him so much, I’d want to be with him this way regardless (I know he loves me more than anyone). But my subconscious wouldn’t let go of this sadness I have for not having a commitment from him to be with just me.
And this resulted in me lashing out and snapping at him when he was on the phone a few days ago. I heard him call another woman “sweetcakes” and it killed me….only later to find out he was talking to his daughter.
Yesterday, I wrote a speech and expressed to him that I feel awful and anxious in the relationship, not honoring what is deeply important to me. I told him I didn’t want to put any pressure on him, that I just don’t want to feel this way anymore and don’t want to disrespect him and destroy our connection. He asked me what I wanted to do.
I kept telling him I just don’t want to feel this way, but it was up to him what he thought we should do, although as long as I continue to have a sexual bond to him, I won’t be able to stop having these feelings that are negatively affecting our relationship.
He said he really wanted to continue things the way they were, but that if I wanted him to make a decision in my best interest he would, and it’s really not fair to me otherwise.
Then he told me he really loved me, as much as “the other guys that chase me” and that he thought the man who “landed me” would be the luckiest man on earth. He wanted to make sure we would still be friends.
I said of course, that nothing is changing, I just want to respect and honor who he is. He said goodbye, seemed okay that he would honor my boundaries, and gave me a passionate kiss which isnt like him.
I usually hear from him in the morning (we have a wonderful work relationship together) and he usually emails about our tasks. nothing. I sent him an email about a pressing work issue (a forward I have to send him each time I receive). No response. He didn’t call last night.
Am I doing the right thing? Will I ever hear from him again? In times before, it was HIM who wanted to be friends. He said he respects me so much and wants to make sure we are still friends, that it would be a huge loss to him if we weren’t.
But no communication? Did I do the right thing? Did I just push everything good I had away? I love this man deeply. I want to respect and honor him. I don’t want to loose his presence in my life.
Will I ever see him again?
Most importantly…what do I do now? Ellie”
My Answer to Ellie’s “Relationship”:
Hi – I wanted to answer you personally – I’m so sorry you have to go through this, and I wish I could cushion this or make it better, and yet I know you know the answer and the advice.
This man isn’t ready to have a committed relationship with you. It might be the timing, and in a year’s time he would be, it might be that he doesn’t love you enough to worry about losing you.
NO man wants to give up other women. Especially not a man who has many women who want him.
Having a great relationship with a man like this isn’t enough.
Basically, what you have with this man is friends with benefits, and I do not know a single woman on the planet for whom, after 6 months – surely a year – this would be okay. There is no woman who loves a man who could tolerate an “open” relationship…