by Christian Carter
*** Question From A Reader
“Christian, I got really scared when I started reading on page 124 of your ebook about neediness. I have pretty much been doing nearly all off them… But yesterday I said to myself I would try to change. And I will for the sake of my relationship. I have been dating my man for a year this May. Do you think there is still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?
I may sound in denial, but I know it’s me that has been bitching out of jealousy lately. I have been overly emotional to try to attract his attention and I have recently become clingy. I am going to change, as I feel I am pushing him away. In fact, I feel he has dropped me some hints that I’m pushing him away. What do you think? L.W.”
Ok, you’re doing about 132 different things to screw yourself up here, and sabotage the good things you have going.
And the worst part is… you know it. But you still CAN’T HELP YOURSELF. Ouch.
Let me address your direct question first, “Is there still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?”
No. And stop trying. You will NEVER get back to how you both were before things grew into a new place in your relationship. Period. And in case you don’t see it, the fact that you’re no longer in that early “intense” stage, and have moved past it together, is largely a GREAT thing.
Here’s the first thing I want you to recognize – Relationships GROW and CHANGE.
Sit and think about that simple truth for a minute. Think about how every relationship you’ve ever had, with each person you’ve met, has changed from where it was when it began. I don’t know if you see this yet, but it’s a GOOD THING that you’ve grown past what you had before.
“But how?” you’re wondering.
Because you now have the potential to have something EVEN BETTER. Seriously. Better than the “cutesy, pet-name calling, spending all weekend in each others arms, not seeing anyone but each other for days, talking all night on the phone till your ear hurts, feeling nervous and anxious each time you’re going to see each other” situation you had when you first got together.
I know… There’s nothing like that instant, intense chemistry and attraction you feel and share in the initial “honeymoon” phase. So what in the world could be better? I’ll tell you…
Something that includes more of who you both truly are inside.
Something that lets you both live, learn and grow – independently AND together.
In other words… something that’s REAL and will LAST.
The truth is, in a REAL and LASTING RELATIONSHIP, things are going to CHANGE – whether you like it or not. His feelings will change. Your feelings will change. How you both interact will change. And how much attention each person gives to the relationship and to the other will change.
These are INEVITABLE, no matter who you are or what you want from love and a relationship.
So where am I going with this?
Well, what really matters now that things are changing is how you choose to deal with the changes.
Instead of RESISTING, trying to prevent the changes from happening, and becoming scared and emotional when you recognize change, you need to learn how to work with it.
So let me ask you… Are you going to allow the changes to FREAK YOU OUT, and let your FEAR and INSECURITIES take over?
Doing this will of course keep on creating negative emotional experiences, MORE DISTANCE, and worst of all… MORE UNCERTAINTY in your boyfriend’s mind about if you are the girl he wants to be with. Or…
Are you going to start learning to LISTEN, THINK and ACT in ways that create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, less distance, and bring MORE CERTAINTY to your boyfriends mind about you and your relationship?
I take it you’re going to choose what’s behind Door #2 – the “learning” option? Good. Let’s get started.
PERFECTIONISM, FEAR, AND GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY
The truth is you will never get back to where you were with someone from when you first met.
But in your relationship, you can become 100 times CLOSER than you were, IF you can LEARN to ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND more about the “whole picture” of who you both are – for better or worse – and start to figure out what to do now that things are more “real”. But here’s where one of your biggest challenges will come up…
By knowing more about the whole picture, you’ll start recognizing LESS PERFECTION about him and your relationship (which you already are). And seeing this will keep setting off more FEAR and INSECURITY in your mind. But if you bother to pay attention, you’ll recognize the same kinds of imperfections you see in him, in yourself.
You are also imperfect in how you act out on your jealousy. You are also imperfect in your fears. You’re also imperfect in your insecurities. And you are also imperfect in your desire for him to be someone or something else. And guess what?
He sees your imperfections right now too. And part of him inside wants to either withdraw, or run from the situation all together.
But remember, he’s not perfect either.
I can’t tell you how important it is, and will continue to be for your future relationship, to develop the ability to “watch” your own emotions inside as they come up. That way, you can start to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE how to let them affect you and how you communicate with men.
Otherwise, you’re on “auto-pilot” and all the advice and “truth” in the world isn’t going to help you.
Here’s a VERY QUICK TIP about this:
Most of us have those instant, negative, knee- jerk reactions in our lives when we are running on “empty” emotionally. On the other hand, when we’re very FULFILLED in our own lives, and doing the things that makes us feel “full” emotionally, we are MUCH MORE confident, calm and in control.
See where I’m going here?
You need to find a way to start GIVING YOURSELF some of the positive emotional input you’re seeking.
My favorite way, personally, happens to be by using deep breathing and doing intense exercise. I want you to find your own way. And stick to it. If you do, you’ll notice a change in yourself and how people respond to you everywhere you go. But enough about that.
Let’s get back to your situation specifically…
There’s something IMPORTANT I want you to realize about where you’re at. The things you used to do that worked in the “early stages” of your relationship aren’t working for you anymore. In part, it’s really that simple. So…
You need to learn WHAT WORKS in this new area or “phase” of your relationship, and of your own life. You need to ADAPT. But here’s where it isn’t so simple…
The way most of us adapt around change is one of the areas of human behavior that’s most FASCINATING to me. Here’s why-
Most of us have developed a basic set of “strategies” we use in our lives, when it comes to dealing with other people and relationships. And these strategies were usually born out of “trial and error” throughout our lives and developed in response to our specific environments and the people we were surrounded with. We’d try one thing… and it wouldn’t work. Then we’d try another… and it would work.
And then we’d stick with the behavior we found that worked, and use it for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.
But what happens when something around us changes? What does our strategy usually look like in the face of change?
You got it. It stays THE SAME.
We often spend days, months or years trying the same “strategies” over and over, even when we’re now FAILING again and again because we KNEW for a fact that our old strategy worked.
But we keep doing things that aren’t working again and again, until serious frustration sets in.
Why do so many of us do this?
Well, in part, because our old strategy simply WORKED, and we got a “pay-off” from doing the behavior involved. Which means that the impulse, too, became “wired up” into our minds to play out automatically.
So most of us believe, on a deeper level, that our strategy is what works best. And if we keep on doing it, the environment around us that has changed will eventually correct itself.
Don’t get stuck in the dead-end cycle of trying to use the SAME strategies in NEW situations. It’s a sure-fire way to fail – especially with people and relationships. To make a long story short…
You need to figure out how to communicate in the NEW environments you move into. You need to find a “strategy for dealing with the built-in “imperfections” of getting truly close and intimate with a man. You need a new “strategy” to help a man, and yourself, open up in a POSITIVE way that brings you both CLOSER.
You need to figure out how to not just have a great “start” to relationships and never be able to make it work after the honeymoon is over, but how to KEEP the connection, attraction and intimacy AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER. And you need to start understanding how CONNECTION and ATTRACTION works inside a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP when you’re no longer in a “casual” dating situation.
The two are VERY different.
Which leads me to the second thing I want you to recognize that will help you create a better long term relationship with a man:
You need to start living IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. Or, on the flip-side, stop living in the past.
I know this isn’t some amazing original insight, but there’s something new and important to see here… I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve found out about a few years back. It’s something lots of women do in relationships that is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to their own emotional well being and for the state of their relationship –
Lots of women play something I call the “connect-the-dots” game in relationships with men.
It goes like this…
You become worried about your relationship, and you start looking for possible signs of danger. But instead of looking for how things are GOOD in your relationship, you look to see if you can find clues that things are BAD. And of course you start finding all the “evidence” you need, from the present AND the past. So you take past events, conversations, behaviors, etc. and start to tie them all together into one giant “conspiracy”.
And in just a few rounds of playing your version of “connect-the-dots” with all the things you think you’re finding wrong, it happens…
You finally come up with “PROOF”. I’m talking about your very own PROOF that things are BAD in the relationship, or wrong with the guy you’re with. Which sets you off on an even more intense emotional tail-spin. And here’s where it gets even more DESTRUCTIVE –
Your guy doesn’t have any idea that you’re thinking about these things, since you haven’t really shared it with him, aside from how you’ve been acting out your fears and doubts. But you wish he’d see through how you’re acting, and all the “hints” you’re dropping, and open up and ask you what’s REALLY going on.
Do you play the “connect-the-dots” game? Are you an expert at finding the “proof” that things are going bad in your relationship? Or that he’s thinking about leaving you? Or that he DOESN’T love you?
IF you are, wake up!
You’re not strengthening your relationship… You’re breaking it down and picking on all the things you fear in a negative emotional way. Which leaves a man little choice but to see that you’re emotionally OUT OF CONTROL.
Let me ask you… what do you think a man feels when you’re doing this? And what does this make him think about being with you?
It often tells a man, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level, that you don’t know how to deal with your feelings in a way that will create positive experiences for you together in the future. It also tells him that each time doubt or fear comes into your mind, you’re not going to be able to deal with it in a mature and healthy way, and you’ll turn your feelings about it on him and make it HIS FAULT.
A healthy, fun, attractive, successful man does NOT want to be with a woman long term who turns uncertain or challenging situations into NEGATIVE emotional experiences every time.
He wants a woman who brings amazing thoughts, feelings and POSITIVE experiences and growth into his life.
And even if the subject matter is tough or likely to make you both freaked out, he wants a woman who is going to be confident and emotionally healthy enough to work through things with him to create more CONNECTION – not build resentment and DISTANCE.
Of course, men have a lot to learn in this area too, which is also why it’s important to pick the right guy who’s done some of “the work” himself. But the amazing thing I’ve learned from observing and working with tons of women and men is that it often takes just one… Just one person in the relationship to be the one to have the emotional “maturity” and skills to take the potentially negative things they’re confronted with in the relationship, and turn them into positive opportunities for growth and connection.
That’s why it’s time…
It’s time for you to shift your thinking from fear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism… and start finding ways to be the one who helps CREATE the DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF.
The reality is… it’s EASY early on in a relationship to experience intense chemistry and attraction. Which makes it EASY for you both to call all the time, think of each other constantly, and want to be with one another every minute. But when things change, as they always will, it means you have to learn how to create the connection and experiences you want in the new environment.
Right now, here’s what I want you to do… Put to use what’s in front of you! Go to page 85 in my eBook and start going back over the section called “Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women”.
Once you’re there, I want you to take what you’ve already learned reading my book so far, and spend at least 15 minutes thinking about the question I pose at the start of this section: “What kind of woman makes a man want to do romantic and adventurous things, and stay close and connected with her in the long run?”
Then… write down YOUR OWN thoughts about the answer to this question – using what you’ve read so far in my book.
Then… I want you to take a good long look at what I call “the single most important thing that attracts a man for the long term” at the start of page 86 – and keep reading there about how your success or failure with this rests on 2 critical things:
1. Your Emotional State
2. Your External Behavior & Communication
Then go on to read the rest of that section and note the 5 specific positive “habits” or traits I list and explain in detail.
There’s a TON for you to work with in these pages that will give you clear steps to change your needy and “clingy” thoughts and behavior – if you take the time to think on the ideas and do the exercises.
HOW EMOTIONAL “DRAMA” EFFECTS LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN
And let me give you a quick piece of advice about men here… and about yourself. Men LOVE their “FREEDOM”. Or what they perceive as “freedom”.
You intuitively know and understand this because you probably have guy friends, a brother, whoever, and you see how they are. You see how they have a strong “masculine” impulse to feel “free”….To feel in control of their own lives…. To make their own decisions free of what they see as “obligation”…. And to not be too “tied down” in intense emotional situations all the time.
You might not see it right now since you’re so focused on becoming closer and committed with him, but your freedom as a woman is very important to you too. Freedom to think what you want. Freedom to feel what you want. And freedom to act how you want.
Which is why… you’re BOTH going to need to learn to be CLOSER and MORE SEPARATE at the same time in your relationship.
I’m talking about a long term “emotional connection” here that runs much deeper than all the things you feel when you’re together…so that there’s a natural understanding of the other person when you’re doing your own thing, changing, growing, or when you’re not as close as you have been.
So stop the jealousy, the “bitching” and the “girly neediness for attention” stuff.
Stop it NOW.
Not only do these behaviors tell your guy that you don’t have an understanding for him, and your own feelings…. But the way you’re acting when you’re being jealous or needy is 100% annoying and very UNATTRACTIVE.
And most importantly, in terms of your relationship… Your behavior is telling your guy, on a deeper level, that the closer he gets to you, the more difficult (and less fun and interesting) you will become, and the less freedom he’ll have to live his life and be free of the intense negative emotional experiences you create each time you get scared.
How do you think that speaks to him when he thinks about you both together in the future?
I’ve given you a lot of good ideas here. They’ll get you started.
It has taken me many years of time, effort, and energy to really “get” how not just “physical attraction” works for men, but how the more lasting, long term attraction and connections are made between men and women, and if you’ve been reading these newsletters for any length of time, then you understand just how important the idea of ATTRACTION is for men, and how it’s created and destroyed.
*Hint – jealousy and neediness can quickly DESTROY it… and confidence, positive emotional experiences, and communicating that you have real standards and are SELECTIVE when it comes to spending your time and energy with a man can CREATE ATTRACTION.
You may have even used these ideas, or some of the tips I’ve given you, and found that you get a VERY different kind of response from men than just “normal conversation” or having “the talk” about your relationship like most women do.
Best of luck in life and love!
Your Friend, Christian Carter
From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->