christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

*** Question From A Reader

“Christian, I got really scared when I started reading on page 124 of your ebook about neediness. I have pretty much been doing nearly all off them… But yesterday I said to myself I would try to change. And I will for the sake of my relationship. I have been dating my man for a year this May. Do you think there is still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?

I may sound in denial, but I know it’s me that has been bitching out of jealousy lately. I have been overly emotional to try to attract his attention and I have recently become clingy. I am going to change, as I feel I am pushing him away. In fact, I feel he has dropped me some hints that I’m pushing him away. What do you think? L.W.”

>>>>My Comments

Ok, you’re doing about 132 different things to screw yourself up here, and sabotage the good things you have going.

And the worst part is… you know it. But you still CAN’T HELP YOURSELF. Ouch.

Let me address your direct question first, “Is there still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?”

No. And stop trying. You will NEVER get back to how you both were before things grew into a new place in your relationship. Period. And in case you don’t see it, the fact that you’re no longer in that early “intense” stage, and have moved past it together, is largely a GREAT thing.

Here’s the first thing I want you to recognize – Relationships GROW and CHANGE.

Sit and think about that simple truth for a minute. Think about how every relationship you’ve ever had, with each person you’ve met, has changed from where it was when it began. I don’t know if you see this yet, but it’s a GOOD THING that you’ve grown past what you had before.

“But how?” you’re wondering.

Because you now have the potential to have something EVEN BETTER. Seriously. Better than the “cutesy, pet-name calling, spending all weekend in each others arms, not seeing anyone but each other for days, talking all night on the phone till your ear hurts, feeling nervous and anxious each time you’re going to see each other” situation you had when you first got together.

I know… There’s nothing like that instant, intense chemistry and attraction you feel and share in the initial “honeymoon” phase. So what in the world could be better? I’ll tell you…

Something that includes more of who you both truly are inside.

Something that lets you both live, learn and grow – independently AND together.

In other words… something that’s REAL and will LAST.

The truth is, in a REAL and LASTING RELATIONSHIP, things are going to CHANGE – whether you like it or not. His feelings will change. Your feelings will change. How you both interact will change. And how much attention each person gives to the relationship and to the other will change.

These are INEVITABLE, no matter who you are or what you want from love and a relationship.

So where am I going with this?

Well, what really matters now that things are changing is how you choose to deal with the changes.

Instead of RESISTING, trying to prevent the changes from happening, and becoming scared and emotional when you recognize change, you need to learn how to work with it.

So let me ask you… Are you going to allow the changes to FREAK YOU OUT, and let your FEAR and INSECURITIES take over?

Doing this will of course keep on creating negative emotional experiences, MORE DISTANCE, and worst of all… MORE UNCERTAINTY in your boyfriend’s mind about if you are the girl he wants to be with. Or…

Are you going to start learning to LISTEN, THINK and ACT in ways that create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, less distance, and bring MORE CERTAINTY to your boyfriends mind about you and your relationship?

I take it you’re going to choose what’s behind Door #2 – the “learning” option? Good. Let’s get started.

PERFECTIONISM, FEAR, AND GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY

The truth is you will never get back to where you were with someone from when you first met.

But in your relationship, you can become 100 times CLOSER than you were, IF you can LEARN to ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND more about the “whole picture” of who you both are – for better or worse – and start to figure out what to do now that things are more “real”. But here’s where one of your biggest challenges will come up…

By knowing more about the whole picture, you’ll start recognizing LESS PERFECTION about him and your relationship (which you already are). And seeing this will keep setting off more FEAR and INSECURITY in your mind. But if you bother to pay attention, you’ll recognize the same kinds of imperfections you see in him, in yourself.

You are also imperfect in how you act out on your jealousy. You are also imperfect in your fears. You’re also imperfect in your insecurities. And you are also imperfect in your desire for him to be someone or something else. And guess what?

He sees your imperfections right now too. And part of him inside wants to either withdraw, or run from the situation all together.

But remember, he’s not perfect either.

I can’t tell you how important it is, and will continue to be for your future relationship, to develop the ability to “watch” your own emotions inside as they come up. That way, you can start to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE how to let them affect you and how you communicate with men.

Otherwise, you’re on “auto-pilot” and all the advice and “truth” in the world isn’t going to help you.

Here’s a VERY QUICK TIP about this:

Most of us have those instant, negative, knee- jerk reactions in our lives when we are running on “empty” emotionally. On the other hand, when we’re very FULFILLED in our own lives, and doing the things that makes us feel “full” emotionally, we are MUCH MORE confident, calm and in control.

See where I’m going here?

You need to find a way to start GIVING YOURSELF some of the positive emotional input you’re seeking.

My favorite way, personally, happens to be by using deep breathing and doing intense exercise. I want you to find your own way. And stick to it. If you do, you’ll notice a change in yourself and how people respond to you everywhere you go. But enough about that.

Let’s get back to your situation specifically…

There’s something IMPORTANT I want you to realize about where you’re at. The things you used to do that worked in the “early stages” of your relationship aren’t working for you anymore. In part, it’s really that simple. So…

You need to learn WHAT WORKS in this new area or “phase” of your relationship, and of your own life. You need to ADAPT. But here’s where it isn’t so simple…

The way most of us adapt around change is one of the areas of human behavior that’s most FASCINATING to me. Here’s why-

Most of us have developed a basic set of “strategies” we use in our lives, when it comes to dealing with other people and relationships. And these strategies were usually born out of “trial and error” throughout our lives and developed in response to our specific environments and the people we were surrounded with. We’d try one thing… and it wouldn’t work. Then we’d try another… and it would work.

And then we’d stick with the behavior we found that worked, and use it for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

But what happens when something around us changes? What does our strategy usually look like in the face of change?

You got it. It stays THE SAME.

We often spend days, months or years trying the same “strategies” over and over, even when we’re now FAILING again and again because we KNEW for a fact that our old strategy worked.

But we keep doing things that aren’t working again and again, until serious frustration sets in.

Why do so many of us do this?

Well, in part, because our old strategy simply WORKED, and we got a “pay-off” from doing the behavior involved. Which means that the impulse, too, became “wired up” into our minds to play out automatically.

So most of us believe, on a deeper level, that our strategy is what works best. And if we keep on doing it, the environment around us that has changed will eventually correct itself.

WRONG!

Don’t get stuck in the dead-end cycle of trying to use the SAME strategies in NEW situations. It’s a sure-fire way to fail – especially with people and relationships. To make a long story short…

You need to figure out how to communicate in the NEW environments you move into. You need to find a “strategy for dealing with the built-in “imperfections” of getting truly close and intimate with a man. You need a new “strategy” to help a man, and yourself, open up in a POSITIVE way that brings you both CLOSER.

You need to figure out how to not just have a great “start” to relationships and never be able to make it work after the honeymoon is over, but how to KEEP the connection, attraction and intimacy AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER. And you need to start understanding how CONNECTION and ATTRACTION works inside a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP when you’re no longer in a “casual” dating situation.

The two are VERY different.

Which leads me to the second thing I want you to recognize that will help you create a better long term relationship with a man:

You need to start living IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. Or, on the flip-side, stop living in the past.

I know this isn’t some amazing original insight, but there’s something new and important to see here… I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve found out about a few years back. It’s something lots of women do in relationships that is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to their own emotional well being and for the state of their relationship –

Lots of women play something I call the “connect-the-dots” game in relationships with men.

It goes like this…

You become worried about your relationship, and you start looking for possible signs of danger. But instead of looking for how things are GOOD in your relationship, you look to see if you can find clues that things are BAD. And of course you start finding all the “evidence” you need, from the present AND the past. So you take past events, conversations, behaviors, etc. and start to tie them all together into one giant “conspiracy”.

And in just a few rounds of playing your version of “connect-the-dots” with all the things you think you’re finding wrong, it happens…

You finally come up with “PROOF”. I’m talking about your very own PROOF that things are BAD in the relationship, or wrong with the guy you’re with. Which sets you off on an even more intense emotional tail-spin. And here’s where it gets even more DESTRUCTIVE –

Your guy doesn’t have any idea that you’re thinking about these things, since you haven’t really shared it with him, aside from how you’ve been acting out your fears and doubts. But you wish he’d see through how you’re acting, and all the “hints” you’re dropping, and open up and ask you what’s REALLY going on.

Sound familiar?

Do you play the “connect-the-dots” game? Are you an expert at finding the “proof” that things are going bad in your relationship? Or that he’s thinking about leaving you? Or that he DOESN’T love you?

IF you are, wake up!

You’re not strengthening your relationship… You’re breaking it down and picking on all the things you fear in a negative emotional way. Which leaves a man little choice but to see that you’re emotionally OUT OF CONTROL.

Let me ask you… what do you think a man feels when you’re doing this? And what does this make him think about being with you?

It often tells a man, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level, that you don’t know how to deal with your feelings in a way that will create positive experiences for you together in the future. It also tells him that each time doubt or fear comes into your mind, you’re not going to be able to deal with it in a mature and healthy way, and you’ll turn your feelings about it on him and make it HIS FAULT.

A healthy, fun, attractive, successful man does NOT want to be with a woman long term who turns uncertain or challenging situations into NEGATIVE emotional experiences every time.

He wants a woman who brings amazing thoughts, feelings and POSITIVE experiences and growth into his life.

And even if the subject matter is tough or likely to make you both freaked out, he wants a woman who is going to be confident and emotionally healthy enough to work through things with him to create more CONNECTION – not build resentment and DISTANCE.

Of course, men have a lot to learn in this area too, which is also why it’s important to pick the right guy who’s done some of “the work” himself. But the amazing thing I’ve learned from observing and working with tons of women and men is that it often takes just one… Just one person in the relationship to be the one to have the emotional “maturity” and skills to take the potentially negative things they’re confronted with in the relationship, and turn them into positive opportunities for growth and connection.

That’s why it’s time…

It’s time for you to shift your thinking from fear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism… and start finding ways to be the one who helps CREATE the DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF.

The reality is… it’s EASY early on in a relationship to experience intense chemistry and attraction. Which makes it EASY for you both to call all the time, think of each other constantly, and want to be with one another every minute. But when things change, as they always will, it means you have to learn how to create the connection and experiences you want in the new environment.

Right now, here’s what I want you to do… Put to use what’s in front of you! Go to page 85 in my eBook and start going back over the section called “Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women”.

Once you’re there, I want you to take what you’ve already learned reading my book so far, and spend at least 15 minutes thinking about the question I pose at the start of this section: “What kind of woman makes a man want to do romantic and adventurous things, and stay close and connected with her in the long run?”

Then… write down YOUR OWN thoughts about the answer to this question – using what you’ve read so far in my book.

Then… I want you to take a good long look at what I call “the single most important thing that attracts a man for the long term” at the start of page 86 – and keep reading there about how your success or failure with this rests on 2 critical things:

1. Your Emotional State

2. Your External Behavior & Communication

Then go on to read the rest of that section and note the 5 specific positive “habits” or traits I list and explain in detail.

There’s a TON for you to work with in these pages that will give you clear steps to change your needy and “clingy” thoughts and behavior – if you take the time to think on the ideas and do the exercises.

HOW EMOTIONAL “DRAMA” EFFECTS LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN

And let me give you a quick piece of advice about men here… and about yourself. Men LOVE their “FREEDOM”. Or what they perceive as “freedom”.

You intuitively know and understand this because you probably have guy friends, a brother, whoever, and you see how they are. You see how they have a strong “masculine” impulse to feel “free”….To feel in control of their own lives…. To make their own decisions free of what they see as “obligation”…. And to not be too “tied down” in intense emotional situations all the time.

You might not see it right now since you’re so focused on becoming closer and committed with him, but your freedom as a woman is very important to you too. Freedom to think what you want. Freedom to feel what you want. And freedom to act how you want.

Which is why… you’re BOTH going to need to learn to be CLOSER and MORE SEPARATE at the same time in your relationship.

I’m talking about a long term “emotional connection” here that runs much deeper than all the things you feel when you’re together…so that there’s a natural understanding of the other person when you’re doing your own thing, changing, growing, or when you’re not as close as you have been.

So stop the jealousy, the “bitching” and the “girly neediness for attention” stuff.

Stop it NOW.

Not only do these behaviors tell your guy that you don’t have an understanding for him, and your own feelings…. But the way you’re acting when you’re being jealous or needy is 100% annoying and very UNATTRACTIVE.

And most importantly, in terms of your relationship… Your behavior is telling your guy, on a deeper level, that the closer he gets to you, the more difficult (and less fun and interesting) you will become, and the less freedom he’ll have to live his life and be free of the intense negative emotional experiences you create each time you get scared.

How do you think that speaks to him when he thinks about you both together in the future?

I’ve given you a lot of good ideas here. They’ll get you started.

It has taken me many years of time, effort, and energy to really “get” how not just “physical attraction” works for men, but how the more lasting, long term attraction and connections are made between men and women, and if you’ve been reading these newsletters for any length of time, then you understand just how important the idea of ATTRACTION is for men, and how it’s created and destroyed.

*Hint – jealousy and neediness can quickly DESTROY it… and confidence, positive emotional experiences, and communicating that you have real standards and are SELECTIVE when it comes to spending your time and energy with a man can CREATE ATTRACTION.

You may have even used these ideas, or some of the tips I’ve given you, and found that you get a VERY different kind of response from men than just “normal conversation” or having “the talk” about your relationship like most women do.

Best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend, Christian Carter

From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->

7 Comments

  1. Valerie on September 17, 2009 at 8:34 am

    After reading this article, A light turned on. It was like you were talking about me in detail. I met this wonderful man 2 years ago and we both fell in love with one another. After 5 months of serious dating I moved in with him. This is where the problems began. First, let me tell you a little about myself: I had 17 years of abuse (mental, physical, emotional) with 2 seperate men. One relationship lasted 12 years and the other 5. I thought I had worked out all the negitive behaviors and anger within myself after 2 years of theropy and decided I was ready for another relationship. I met Dave and he was so different and the relationship was one I never experienced before. He treated me like a princess, was very attentive to me, showed me what it met to be loved, since I really never knew what love was. After about a month living together things started to change in which I now know they are supposed to go from the honeymoon stage to a more serious stage. But I just couldn’t except that change, I wanted all that attention from him that I got in the beginning since it was a good feeling and something I didn’t want to end. So when the kissing, touching, and all the nice things started to become less, I started thinking negitive thoughts and the past came to haunt me. I became a emotional wreck and I wasn’t able to communicate my feelings to him because I thought that I would push him away and he would see me as needy. The more I despertley tryed to bring the first stage of our relationship back the more he pulled away from me. I became so caught up in my feelings that I didn’t know how to talk to him about them as I didn’t know what was going on myself. The tension between us was so bad that it was like walking on egg shells around each other. After 1 year of this he broke up with me, and I don’t blame him for his decision. It was very hard for him. I do look at the positives of this breakup as it has helped me see that my work is not done for myself. We have kept in contact and have seen each other in the past few months for dinner, lunch or just talking. Guess it’s a friendship. I want my relationship back with him. How do I go about regaining the trust for him and myself? How do I talk to him about what happened and reasure him that It wouldn’t happen again? How do I completely get rid of the past and learn how to be in a normal relationship? I love this man with all my heart and know that he is my soulmate. He says he likes seeing me, talking to me and spending time with me, but I want his heart back and I want to beable to open mine up and connect on a deeper level. Please help me! Valerie



  2. admin on September 22, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Oh, Valerie, Thank you for your comment, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I know you will find the help you need on Rori Raye’s site…she taught me how to connect with my man’s heart in a really simple way…Sarah



  3. deanna on November 23, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I was seeing a man that started hot and heavy in the beginning, he was separated in the process of a divorce. When the divorce papers were in order, he withdrew from me, however did say he needed some time to get through this. Shortly after we started seeing each other again, I feel I did make the mistake by telling him how I felt, was hurt in short an emotional and needy woman. After not talking with him for a couple of months, we recently saw each other again. After a wonderful night with him, he didn’t even call or text me. I did text him telling him I had a nice time with him. He did respond with the same. I responded again to a text and he never responded back. I haven’t contacted since, but I’m wondering if and when I should or wait for him to contact me. I really like him a lot, and want a fresh start, now that he has his divorce. Do I even have a chance with this guy and not be just a booty call? If so, how do I get him to like me the way he used to?



  4. Anonymous on February 25, 2012 at 2:07 am

    After you answer the woman’s question ahead of me, could you please answer mine? I just read this article and it shocks me how I’ve been doing this with a guy I like, that I work with.

    Three months ago, a guy that I work with liked me and asked somebody I socialized with if I had a boyfriend, and they told him no. For the next two months, he flirted with me all the time, and I flirted back, hoping he would get the hint and ask me out. (Background information: I secretly liked him the moment he was hired, but I was too nervous to make a move, because I didn’t know if he liked me and I’m a women so I thought the guy should ask the women out. And I’ve been working at this place for almost 4 years, and he has been for 2 years, so I’ve known him for two years.)

    Unfortunately, I was flirting a lot, and joking around with him a lot, and when I sat with him at lunch, I think I was talking too much because I was nervous. Not only that, but a week later, I was out from work, serverely sick for almost a week, and when I came back, he distanced himself from me. I think somebody was talking about me behind my back and told him details about my past that I didn’t want him to know. (For instance: I have depression and I take medicine for it) From the way he’s been watching me now, I think he thinks I’m crazy because of that and my easygoing nature at work; joking around and such.

    I don’t know what to do. I felt instant chemestry when we met – and I still do. I could really see us as a couple, but now he practically just says “Hi” and “Bye” to me, and that’s when I initiate conversation with him.I like him a lot and I wanted things to go a lot further than they’ve went, but I don’t know what to do.

    Repeating her question above mine, I would like to ask: “How do I get him to like me the way he used to?” – and ask me out…? I don’t want to scare him away anymore. Is there even a possibility that he would ask me out after all of that?



  5. Rhonda Barnes on February 28, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    My partner doest take me out unlless it involves his work mates. At a party or bbq with there partners he seems obsessed with porn and dating sites. I have spoilt him much and i feel he is taking me for granted. I feel unappreachiated what shoud i do



  6. Ella on April 5, 2012 at 1:47 am

    Please help! Im in love with a sweet, funny, loving man who was not ready for a commitment and I was ok with that as long as we were exclusive so we became girlfriend/boyfriend. After 4 months I said I love you, but he couldn’t say it so I gave it time. A month later he came home after a trip with his family and he kissed me and said baby I love you. I was so happy we would spend every other day together he would txt and call me it was amazing. Then i started going through somethings like trying to go back to school, chaning my job and looking after my mother when she became Ill. As i was try to work all these things out I became a emotional wreck and I wasn’t able to communicate my feelings very well but we did talk and he was very supportive. We then started to have little disagreements about him not spendding as much time, talking and how he was becoming distant all he wanted to do was watch tv and then we stopped having sex. I asked him about it he said its not all about the sex and i agreed. Then the tension between us was so bad that it was like walking on egg shells around each other. So then he broke up with me, and I didnt blame him for his decision, but here is where I’m confused he said he was breaking up with me becasue he wasnt happy with where he was with his job and his school situation. He said your the best girlfriend i have ever had you cook and clean my family and friends love you. I feel like I’m no good for you. How can I make you happy when I’m not happy. That he needed time to see if it was me or the relationship he missed. He wanted us to stay friend and i said yes and the first night of us going out he told me he missed us….and we had sex. I told him I loved him and that i would wait for him to figure out what he wanted. Then one of my guy friends told me that everything he was saying was guy code for his not into you and that me thinking he was having insecurity issues was not right. I felt so bad thinking how i didnt see that, thats what it was that i txt him crying letting him know what my friend said and that I wouldn’t contact him anymore and wished him well. How do i fix this I let my emotions and what my friend said take over. I still love him please help???



  7. Lizzie ann on April 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    All sounds familiar! I think the worst thing is that when you’re feeling vulnerable and needy you ask everyone for advice. A magic cure to fix it when we do what most women do and get emotional and possibly lose our perspective. It’s normal to be irrational, we’re women! We should all listen to our instincts a bit more, u can tell when there’s chemistry and if you can’t, you’re maybe a little underconfident and need to work on that. I pushed it 2 far with someone I liked a heck of a lot, and he backed off, the level of emotion scared him. I’ve started to go to the gym more, make an effort with my appearance and work hard at my business, he’ll be back! But when I’m ready for it to work. If the chemistry Is still there I’ll know. He’s also much more likely to be back when I’m toned, confident & capable!



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