By Lubov Skurina
Why does it happen that you can’t cross a certain barrier in a relationship?
On the surface everything looks fine: you have mutual interests, you like each other, you may or may not be physically intimate, but you are “together.” Yet something is missing. There is no real connection. It feels more like “spending time together” vs. really being together.
This may last for years. You may be exclusive but you don’t feel that you really “belong” to him, or he really “belongs” to you. He won’t commit. The relationship is going nowhere.
This happens to many couples. When this happens you talk about yourself or your partner being “emotionally unavailable.”
What makes us unavailable emotionally? What makes us build walls around our intimate feelings? What keeps us from sharing our deeper self with our partner? In my experience, the fear of intimacy comes from 3 main sources.
1. Fear Of Repeating Abuse
If you were hurt in the past by an emotionally or physically abusive partner, it is possible that you develop fear of intimacy if the trauma that you experienced left deep enough scars.
I’ve had clients who can’t even imagine meeting the love of their life, because being in the space of love, warmth, intimacy, is immediately associated with the pain of abuse or betrayal. I tell them: “Imagine that your soulmate is sitting next to you, can you describe him?” The response is “I am in so much pain, I can’t even breathe.”
2. Self Esteem Issues
If deep inside you believe that “you are not good enough,” if you are ashamed of some aspect of yourself, you may inadvertently become guarded, maybe even defensive or “unapproachable.” You build protective walls around yourself. Your deepest fear is that if you let your guard down, in the moment of vulnerability that an intimate connection involves, your “flaw” will be pointed out to you.
I had a client who, since childhood, was convinced that she was “fat and ugly” (which wasn’t true at all, by the way.) She came across as too strong, difficult to approach. She had many friends, but couldn’t develop truly intimate love relationships. She complained that her partners were “distant” and ultimately left.
3. Fear Of Losing Yourself
The third scenario is also common. Many women are convinced that a relationship will take away their freedom, will make them sacrifice their interests; that in order to please their partner they’ll have to lose themselves and become someone else.
It’s hard to believe, but the reason you are attracted to unavailable men is that you have a deep sited fear of commitment. You want love more than anything else, yet at a subconscious level you “don’t have chemistry” with men who are open and willing to give you what you want, and you are drawn to the unavailable.
The first step to breaking the spell is to recognize that intimacy is at the core of a love relationship. A deep intimate connection is the essence of what you are truly looking for in a life partner.
The second step – face you fear.
Ask yourself: “Am I ready to open up, to be vulnerable, to trust another person? Am I ready to share myself with my partner?”
Hire a therapist or a coach who will help you see your blind spots and work through your fears. This barrier may not be easy to cross, but it’s totally worth it, because the joy of love and fulfillment is on the other side.
Lubov Skurina is a transformative relationship coach; founder of My Time to Be Loved, creator of Soulmate Attraction System. She specializes in helping single women around the globe attract their ideal life partner by transforming their core beliefs and reclaiming their authentic ability to give and receive love.
From Sarah: We just discovered Lubov, and we love her! She’s an amazing, transformative relationship coach – you can read all the wonderful things her clients say about her and how she’s helped them when you follow this link – OH – and be SURE to pick up Lubov’s free ebook “4 Steps to Soulmate Attraction” – it’s a complete step-by-step guide to attracting your ideal life partner – and that’s her specialty. Just go here to get your free book and discover and enhance and live in your feminine side–>>