by Orna and Matthew Walters
This week’s question about love comes from Ramada:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have a really wrong concept of love. I keep thinking that it means to sacrifice oneself and one’s own interests and giving in to another person just to be nice. It is just very subconscious but I can feel that is just what I believe, so I have discovered that if I just change that word and stop using it at all, it becomes easier to me to know what I am feeling. I decided to change love for FUN. Because fun is always good and always the best for me and that way I can easily notice what I would like as opposed to what I think I should do.
Do you have any suggestions on how to let go of the fusion I (and many, I’m sure, since it seems to be social condoning specially for women) have between love and sacrifice or it would be best to just forget about trying to change the love concept and choose only FUN? Fun is a place where I can relate with people as equals without wanting or having to please anyone, because pleasing, it’s just NO FUN.”
Thanks for reaching out to us and for your insight. Many people (men and women) equate love with sacrifice; you are not alone. We really like this idea you’ve shared of looking at ways to have FUN with Love.
A great way to stay out of resentment and sacrifice in relationship is to fill your “cup” first, not just to full – to overflowing. Now you can be of service from the OVERFLOW. When you put your needs first you can freely give to anyone you choose to (and choice is the key).
Another thing to consider is that in a long-term relationship there will inevitably be challenges that come up. It doesn’t sound like you are looking to just have “fun” in the sense that when the going gets tough, that you would desire to disappear … to have a regular practice of self-care whether or not you are in relationship will lay a new foundation for how you behave in relationship.
Become clear on what it feels like when you sacrifice. Check in with your body. Does your stomach get butterflies, maybe your throat tightens or you feel a weight on your chest. Being able to recognize what it feels like will be your guidepost in future relationships. When you feel that feeling, make a new choice. Choose to value yourself!
Ask for What You Want in Love and Otherwise
Being clear on what you need so you can ask for it, and not falling into sacrifice is a new way of being for you so it will take practice. The love you seek is not out in the world, it is inside of you – by creating a new relationship with yourself, one that is based in love and self-acceptance, you will not be tempted to abandon yourself in relationship because you know that the love you seek will never be taken away.
Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew
From Sarah: Orna and Matthew are the only couple working together coaching women on relationships getting the amazing kind of results I personally know they’re getting – you’ll LOVE their ebook-plus-audio program Get Your Mr. Right – it will turn around EVERYTHING you believed about getting the lifelong love you want and help you so fast it’s incredible – just check out Get Your Mr. Right here to get the love you want->