by Orna and Matthew Walters
This week’s relationship question comes from Kimmy:
“Hi Orna and Mathew,
I have a question I hope you can help with. I’ve been reading the Love notes and they are very helpful. I’ve noticed something that I think is a problem in my relationships. I can give easily to the people in my life, my daughter, my mom, etc. But I find that I really need to be needed.
I have to help everyone with their stuff or I just don’t feel good. It’s like I’m the dependable, responsible one and nothing will happen if I don’t do it. This is really exhausting and I find that I’m making myself very anxious all the time. I also noticed that as I tracked my past relationships that I always end up with men who I am taking care of. Help!”
Thanks for your question.
This Is a Perfect Example of Self-Sacrifice in a Relationship
And we applaud you that you are beginning to recognize the problem and that you are taking responsibility for it. Understanding that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships is the key to changing them.
It sounds like you are trying to prove your worth in relationship. Which is an indication that a part of you feels that you don’t deserve to be loved. Love is not something that you have to prove yourself worthy to receive. Love is your birthright. You are worthy of love simply because you exist.
Discovering where this belief came from can help you begin to unravel it. We all learn as children that love is conditional and that we have to become someone different in order to receive it. For example, you get Daddy’s attention when you are a “good girl.”
We don’t ask you to look to your parents to blame them, but for you to have understanding about where your limiting beliefs come from. We know that all of our parents (just like every one of us) do the best they can with what they have.
So if we get the love we need when we are “good,” or “responsible,” or act any particular way, that belief gets set in our subconscious mind where it continues to act itself out.
You Need a Loving Self for a Loving Relationship
Sacrificing or abandoning self is the part that you play in dooming a relationship. It will never work out if you must give up YOU – the universe will never support this.
The only way to work on this on your own is through repetition of a new belief. Repeat the affirmation “I am worth loving” over and over all day, every day.
Take loving actions toward yourself.
When you begin dating someone new notice how you may behave differently when you find a man attractive vs. when you do not.
The simple act of noticing your habit will do wonders for breaking the pattern.
When the opportunity arises for you to break this pattern it will feel uncomfortable. Welcome this feeling! It is a signpost that you have reached your destination. At this point you will have a choice – either continue down the same path you have traveled many times or to go down the new route.
Your logical mind will tell you a million reasons why you should choose to sacrifice – DO NOT DO IT!
The rewards are great! Once you go through that paper-tiger of fear there is no going back!
Please keep us informed on your success.
Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew
From Sarah: Orna and Matthew are the only couple working together coaching women on relationships getting the amazing kind of results I personally know they’re getting – you’ll LOVE their ebook-plus-audio program Get Your Mr. Right – it will turn around EVERYTHING you believed about getting the lifelong love you want and help you so fast it’s incredible – just check out Get Your Mr. Right here to get the relationship you want->