loverby David Wygant

Are you husband shopping or lover shopping?

What is the difference between a lover and a boyfriend? You know a lot of women email me all the time asking me what the “rules” are in the context of having a lover versus a boyfriend.

They ask me things like this: “David, I don’t understand what I’m allowed to share with a man. I’m a sexual being. I really just want to go there and enjoy myself and find a lover, but what can I talk about with my lover in bed? Are we just talking about sex? Are we just talking about dirty texting each other? Are we just talking about the things we want? Sometimes I just want to share with my lover my day, or I want to share with my lover something that’s going on in my life.”

The Difference Between a Lover and a Husband or Boyfriend

I consider a lover to be somebody with whom you can get together to have fun. You get to share secrets with each other. You get to have a great time in bed. You share a wonderful evening together and experience what it’s like having this temporary relationship.

It’s just a relationship that temporarily satisfies you that night. When you and your lover leave the bed and you both go to work the next day, however, that conversation does not go further.

That conversation goes further with a husband or boyfriend, because that’s what a relationship is all about. When you’re confessing things in bed in a relationship, you almost always the very next day want to send an email or have another conversation.

You want to take the conversation further, recap the prior night’s conversation or take that conversation to the next level. A relationship involves exposing the depth of who you are as a person.

You’re exposing that depth, and you’re going deeper and deeper into that relationship. You’re exploring each other more and more. So those confessions in the middle of the night when you’re in bed lead to more stimulating conversations the next day and lead to more personal discovery.

What to Do with a Lover vs. a Husband or Boyfriend

So when you find a lover, go ahead and confess away and talk about whatever you want. If you don’t want your  lover to be a relationship, though, then don’t carry those conversations into the next day, because those kind of confessions are only for people with whom you want to have a relationship.

That’s the biggest difference. Trust your lover, and grow with your relationship.

From Sarah: David Wygant’s  a very special, very well-known personal dating coach, dating advice professional and image-maker. For 20 years David Wygant has worked to earn the trust of women looking to transform their love lives – he practically started the whole concept of being a “wing man” – which means he goes out with you in public and coaches you as you flirt with and relate to men, in real time. David has a wealth of free dating advice available including free dating videos.  Go get his free newsletters here, and use his advice and GREAT programs to help you find a terrific husband or a great lover->.


  1. Hilda on July 31, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    I am a woman that lived alone most of her life. Last October I met a wonderful man. When we started dating I had a full time job. When I lost my job he would always want me with him. If I said that I wanted to go home he would say to me what is there that you do not have here. About five months down the road I told him that since I had to pay rent on my place that I should stay there more often. Once agreed to move in together he completly change and then he would get angry with every little thing that happened. He started telling me that he was scared of the responsibility and he would make mountains out of molehills. While I am writing this I realize that this relationship is not good for me. But please write back and tell me if there is a way that we can work our problem out.

  2. Tiffany on August 4, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Thank you for this article. This is great. I think it is perfectly reasonable and honest to acknowledge that sometimes a woman wants a lover and NOT a husband or a boyfriend. Sure, that is what I am after, long-term. And I know that a lover is not going to satisfy my needs forever. But just like you said, he can satisfy my needs right now. He can even teach me things about myself and help me learn about myself, sexually, in ways I could not possibly learn if I were simply on my own. I wonder about myself, reading this. Because recently, I did feel the urge – the need, even – to continue some of the bedroom conversation outside of it. I had answers to questions he had asked me that I didn’t have in the moment. I knew I didn’t need to follow up. It probably didn’t matter. But the arc of the message was also appreciation. I wanted him to know what I was experiencing, and that I appreciated what he was doing for me. Also, he is very wealthy and I am not. We have discussed this situation, and while he knows that I am open to financial arrangements with lovers, he is clear that that is not his deal. It’s not something he wants to do. I wanted to make sure he knew that I was not “after” his money. And I’m not. Easily, I could be. But it’s not about that for me, because I get so much out of the experience, physically. He intuitively understands me and my sexuality, sometimes even beyond what I typically admit to myself, and even though I know that he is not my perfect life partner, he is nevertheless, in some ways, perfect for me. And maybe there are ways in which I am perfect for him. I probably could have gone without writing to him. But I waited 3 days before I did, and in the end I think I made the best decision, because it felt better to me to clear the air than to let my discomfort and a possible misunderstanding fester and ruin the budding (lover) relationship. We’ll see what happens next.

  3. Mikaela H on October 22, 2011 at 8:08 am

    My lover and I have a very deep relationship. I love my husband as well but the two are different. Out of the blue, my lover asked who I love more and I cannot answer him to get his hopes of me leaving my husband for him. I know he is not ready to tell the world about us and neither do I. Maybe I would know what to answer if my husband knew about my lover. I would probably be able to weigh in on who deserves this relationship the best. What do you think?

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