Countless dating sites online promise to help you find your perfect match.
The one you can spend the rest of your life with.
The idea behind these dating services is usually that you fill out a questionnaire and complete a profile with information about yourself– your references, dislikes, and other such information.
The company will then review your information and pair you up with potential dates.
We’re not opposed to the idea of using a dating service or website to meet dates and potential partners in most cases.
We do, however, encourage you to rely mainly on your own perceptions and feelings as you attract a date who might turn out to be your long-time mate.
Have you ever been in a social setting or even a business meeting and found yourself drawn to a particular person? Let’s say you are single and wanting to be in a relationship but you just haven’t found the “right” person yet.
This man or woman whom you are drawn to seems completely wrong for you though!
Maybe he or she doesn’t look the way you always thought your partner would look.
Or perhaps this person has mannerisms, overt habits, a job, lifestyle, etc that do not appear to be a good match for you and what you’ve always thought you wanted.
And so, despite your attraction to this person, you close the door and turn your attentions elsewhere.
A recent Dilbert comic strip gave the reader a fly-on-the-wall view of the lead character Dilbert on a date. The woman with whom Dilbert is about to share a meal demands that he hand over his cell phone because, she explains, “I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps…”
After having a look through Dilbert’s cell phone, the woman promptly ends the date and leaves the table because she discovers that there is an application that does nothing but hurl pirate insults– she deems this “stupid.”
In a comedic way, Dilbert creator Scott Adams helps us illustrate our point. When you make a snap decision about another person, you might just be missing out on a wonderful partner for yourself.
Perhaps it is for the best that Dilbert’s companion stopped their date right then and there. It could very well have been for the best- – if her preferences for a partner are as limited and rigid as they seemed from her comment.
By all means we encourage you to be clear about what you want in a love relationship. Dream and envision the kind of person you’d like to spend time with.
Create in your mind a vivid image of you and your love enjoying one another and sharing the kind of closeness and connection you are looking for.
And then relax about it all.
Stay open and don’t be so attached to the way you think your date should look, act or be. Don’t dismiss a person whom you are attracted to simply because he or she doesn’t seem to fit the images you have in your mind.
When judging or doubting thoughts come up for you because, for example, you don’t find the cell phone apps this person has funny or practical, take a moment and pause.
There are certainly occasions when the choices a potential date makes are in violation of your deeply held values. Consider whether your impulse to turn away from this other person is about your deeply held values or not.
You might discover that this different and seemingly “weird” aspect of this person helps you expand and grow in positive ways.
Who wouldn’t want to laugh more, for instance, because of a goofy cell phone app?
Too often in life many of us leave the present moment and jump ahead in our minds. We might space out as we’re talking with another as we plan a “to do” list. We might be wondering where the evening will end up– will there be a passionate kiss (or more) at the end of this date?
The trouble with planning ahead or wondering how it’s all going to end up is you miss what’s going on right now!
If you’re really enjoying yourself with your date but you go off in your mind worrying or even dreaming about how quickly you might get serious and be in a committed relationship with this person you are losing out on the fun and enjoyment of the present moment.
When you find yourself jumping ahead and fixating on the future, stop right there. Take a deep breath and consciously bring yourself back to this moment.
Really listen to what the other person is saying. Listen internally to how you are feeling about what he or she is saying and doing. Be present and attentive.
As helpful as it might be to know from a questionnaire or service that the chemistry is “right” between you and another person, the most accurate and powerful indicator is from within.
If you aren’t accustomed to tuning in to your own inner wisdom and guidance, learn how to do so.
Take your interactions with a potential date or a possible partner one moment at a time.
Stay open and present and enjoy yourself along the way.
Susie and Otto Collins are married soul mates, certified relationship coaches, authors, speakers and seminar leaders who are on a mission to show men and women all over the world how to keep the love, passion, connection and spark alive forever. Their program, Magic Relationship Words, will show you the exact words to say to stop fights, arguments and disagreements, and pull your partner closer.