relationshipby Christian Carter

I’d like to tell you a story about attraction

It’s a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don’t be alarmed.

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was very attracted to a particular man.

At first, he was just another attractive man…but the more she got to know him, the more she began to feel attracted to him… and the more time she spent with him, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for him.

But there was one problem.

As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.


Because she couldn’t tell whether or not he felt the same way towards her.

Sometimes he would talk to her and say things that led her to believe that they shared a special connection, but nothing ever progressed past the “friendship” stage.

There was an occasional glance, an occasional email or call from him… and a few times, he even opened up about something personal or emotional, and invited her “inside” for a little while.

But something was wrong with the picture.

He just wasn’t acting like a man who was “falling in love.”

He was acting like a friend, but at times, even more distant than a friend would be. And things seemed to be hot and cold.

Sometimes he would look at her and talk to her, and sometimes he would ignore her and close himself off.

The insecurity that she felt from all this, became a spiral that amplified itself… and the more insecure she became, the more afraid she grew of “screwing things up” or “scaring him off”, by starting conversations or asking him if he was interested in her and why he didn’t ask her out.

Plus, the more insecure she became, the less time he seemed to want to spend with her.

After spending days and nights obsessing over this guy, the woman finally arrived at the conclusion that if he only knew how SHE FELT, that he would feel the same way.

So, she made a bold move.

She TOLD HIM how she felt.

She confessed her feelings and let him know that she wanted to be with him.

He responded by flirting with her and he spent some time alone with her, and they even kissed and held each other.

But soon after, he quickly withdrew, didn’t call her and wasn’t really “available” to her.

This only confused the woman more.

She didn’t know how to take it…

Did it mean that he really loved her too, but that he was afraid of something?

Did it mean that he wasn’t ready for a long term relationship?

Did it mean that he didn’t love her, and that he was trying to give her a hint?

Did it mean that she hadn’t tried hard enough?

Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?

She finally decided that she couldn’t go on like this anymore… she had to be with him.

She had to make sure that he knew just how much she wanted to be with him… so she took a big step, bought him a symbolic gift and wrote him a letter… again confessing her feelings.

And then, something unthinkable happened.

Either he didn’t reply at all…. (Ouch!)

Or he replied and she connected with him on an emotional and physical level for a brief time, but then he backed away.

Then she called him a couple of times, the following week before reaching him.

He made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I’ll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”… and hung up…but she never got a call back.

Over the following months, the woman tried desperately to understand what went wrong… and what happened.


OK, I’m back.

Now, wasn’t that a sweet story?

Heartwarming, huh?

I know… I should keep my day job, and not take up writing romance novels….

Now, let’s talk about that story.

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1 Comment

  1. miskwa on December 6, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Sorry about the screwed up beginning of a comment, smartphones are not the best vehicle to use to write with but that is all I have at home.
    I had a weird variation of the scenario you have described. A colleague, divorced, started really wanting to talk to me, touch me, and in general spoke and acted really interested. He barely was aware that I existed before this. Initially I ignored the behavior but as he is very good looking, shares many of the same values as I, and keeps healthy ( in direct contrast to most men in this region) I eventually became attracted too. This went on for two years. Yep, I realize that colleagues should be off limits but we work in an isolated mountain town and the nearest urban center is at the end of a stretch of one of the deadliest highways in the country (I-70), especially in winter. It’s scary to drive to Denver and no one from that area cares to live or drive here, nor could they find a good paying, professional job. I am not able to leave for 8+ years. So enough justification, eh? When I responded to some of this mans “pursuit” of me, eventually he started distancing himself, albeit in a very inconsistent way. I never knew from day to day what to expect. I took heed of the behavior but really could not figure it out except to give him his space. Then he would complain about the local dating pool (it IS ugly), being alone, etc. Very inconsistent. We went to a conference together; one morning he asks he to go with him on a tour of Denvers museums, and within the same hour, I hear him tell the hotel clerk to give his extra hotel key to a woman who was a former colleague. No way could I have seen that coming. I was upset but I did not express it but he could tell as he insisted on sitting with me at lunch. I left the conference and returned to the hotel as I was carpooling w/ someone else and had no car. While I am outside waiting for another colleague, he walks towards the hotel with her. I turn away as though I do not see them. She has the bright idea that we all ought to have dinner together, I say “no” politely, and walk away. A month later, he asked me why I was upset. As this was in a public place, I eventually do write him a letter, telling him about the whole sorry episode as seen from my eyes, including his confusing, inconsistent behavior; acting and speaking as though he is available and interested when he is not. At no time did I pursue him, call, text, email, etc. I only relayed my feelings because he made it clear he wanted to know. Since then, he alternates from absolute coldness, to slight cordiality, the touching has stopped, as has the hugging, which is fine as it meant absolutely nothing. I exclude him from gatherings at my home or anywhere else, thinking the best thing is to cut all contact as much as possible. It is as though he is angry with me for responding to his overtures, his words. Why on Earth would someone act this way toward someone they do not want? I always am consistent; no ambiguity; actions, words, feelings are all aligned. If I am not interested it is very clear I am not.
    What gives?

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