by Rori Raye
So there I was, walking on eggshells during the day and staying up all night trying to figure things in my marriage out.
And everything I was doing was more damaging than if I’d done nothing.
Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my marriage.
I was so not authentic – he never knew who I was, where I was coming from, and what I really felt.
He stopped trying to communicate with me.
And I, so frustrated by not being able to have things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE of it MYSELF.
I was carrying my household, my life, and my marriage all in my own arms – all by myself.
If this sounds familiar, know that you can turn this around like I did, using the Tools I created for myself.
I was doing so much “figuring out,” it was taking up all my time and energy.
Until I finally “figured out” how to undo all the damage my “figuring out” had done, how to truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to HEAL my relationship – all in ONE MOMENT!
And that was the moment I STOPPED trying to Figure Things Out.
I’d been so tense and overworked and anxious, I’d just kept going, no matter what.
I’d been jumping over obstacles I’d created for myself, I’d worked hard to fix things, and I’d worked hard at being cheerful and positive.
I could have exploded.
I could have blown a fuse or gotten really sick.
Instead, in a moment of utter frustration, I just STOPPED.
I sat down on the floor and didn’t have dinner ready.
I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter play with a toy, and I didn’t get up to Welcome my husband home.
I could hear the coldness in his voice and even though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me that I would lose everything if I didn’t jump up and make everything “better,” I stayed put.
I didn’t try to make everything “better.”
Instead, I watched our daughter play on the floor right in front of me.
I watched my husband go straight to her, hug and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME, and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME, and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without his attention, affection and love.
And then, in two completely surprising minutes, it all changed.
As he walked away from our daughter and our cat and went to take his work clothes off, I could feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a minute trying to figure out HIS mind.
I thought and tried to “figure things out” through every second of those two very long minutes.
I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run after him to ask how his day went and be a “good” wife (even though I worked, too).
I could hear my brain trying to imagine how horrible our evening was going to be, what he must be thinking, how I should act, what I could possibly do, how I could “talk” to him, what we’d do for dinner, wondering if he’d felt “slighted” by me, again, trying to get into his head.
And then the Magic Wand appeared.
It was like a moment of light and quiet in my dark and busy mind.
In that magic moment, I could “hear” my brain talking, and I could “see” my brain thinking.
And I caught myself.
I noticed it.
And then, without thinking about it, I STOPPED myself.
Just as I’d simply NOT gotten off the floor, I stopped thinking.
I focused on my daughter, looked at her face, looked at the paintings on the walls, looked at my own clothes and started thinking about how fun it would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing happened.
He walked over to me.
He sat down next to me.
I thought he was there for our daughter, but he was there for ME.
He looked at me.
I smiled at him.
And in that one moment, we CONNECTED
I could feel it.
I could feel it through my whole body.
If you had told me then that just NOT doing what I always did (and it might be different things for you that you always do and can stop doing) would make so much difference in my relationship, I would have rolled my eyes.
I never would have believed you.
If you’d told me that just staying put on the floor would be such a big, huge thing to do for myself and my marriage, I would have laughed.