When you feel immersed in those early, yummy feeling, luscious, juicy, blood stirring, heart beating pitter patter, exciting, and sometimes scary, sometimes painful, sometimes totally amazing stages of a budding romance with a man, especially if it’s an instant or almost instant one, you are in a word DEEPLY into a chemical reaction or response.
Can you believe these feelings? Is this really growing love? Is this possibly blossoming intimacy? It sure feels like it, doesn’t it?
Chemistry can fool you though. Chemistry is hormones, and hormones are not necessarily discriminatory. They can’t tell the difference between a good for you man and a not so good for you man. They are simply an indication that there is a “thing” between you, a biological “thing”. Maybe this hearkens back to many days gone by when your genes would have been compatible for making healthy babies to continue the human species, thus the intense attraction.
BUT none of this means your personalities, your emotions, your outlook on life, your spirituality, your heart to heart, soul to soul connection will be compatible.
Yet you want to trust your feelings. You want to believe this is intimacy, romance, love.
How Hormones Stir Romance
Chemistry/hormones make you feel turned on. They make you want to have sex with this man who has aroused these feelings in you. They make you want to open your body, mind, and heart to him.
They make you want to look to this man to fill up the holes inside which were not filled before by maybe neither your parents/family, nor by you, nor by any others.
AND they create all kinds of expectations in you. And as you know expectations only make you feel bad, filling you with dissatisfaction and anxiety. And these only stir up fear within you.
They make you think that your heightened sensations, even when much of this feels bad, is what it feels like to be in deep and sincere desire. And that feeling this with this man must surely be love, maybe your forever love, your “the one” love. It all feels SO REAL.
Chemistry is not often a good indicator of a potentially good, healthy, or real and loving, cherishing relationship. It’s usually quite the opposite, for chemistry is often tied up with old habits and patterns, early imprinting, developed associations arising from your past where love may have become all tangled up with pain and fear and other feel bad feelings.
Since we are all born as pure love, and as a pure love being, any emotions you felt in direct relation to your parents or care givers, however it was shown or given to you as an infant and a small child was what you associated with love.
For example if there was a lot of anger in your experience, this might very well have become linked with love, so you might seek out angry partners as an adult. If you were neglected, rejected, or abandoned physically and/or emotionally, you might very well seek out these types of partners. And in this kind of situation, you would likely also be chasing after them much of the time too, begging to be noticed, to be taken care of, to be wanted, to be loved.
Whatever it was you came to know as love is what you brought with you into adulthood. You didn’t know anything else. Since this was how love was presented to you, this is what you were conditioned to think of and experience as love. This is what you learned about romance.
And this is what you have continued to believe and feel to be love even when it feels bad or wrong. It feels familiar, and there is comfort in this familiarity.
And these kinds of faulty associations create all kinds of havoc within you and within future relationships.
Breaking this pattern is not often easy. It takes an awareness first and then a deep desire to rewire all of this within you as well as lots of patience and gentleness with yourself as you work with and through all of this.
Your very first lesson I want to give you around this is that:
Real Love, Romance and Intimacy Do Not Feel Bad
True intimacy makes you want to challenge your old and maybe misguided beliefs.
True love and intimacy is so rarely an instantaneous thing. True intimacy takes time and an ever growing and deepening knowing of each other to develop. True intimacy is something which continues to blossom the longer you are together. True intimacy increases and makes more profound your love for each other over time.
True intimacy supports and reinforces, allows you to know that your emerging and blossoming goddess self journey is the right path for you.
When true intimacy is created between you and your man, it will make you want to share yourself with him. True intimacy makes you want to reveal your heart to him with vulnerability in ways you may have never thought possible. You will feel an increasing safety and desire to open up to him with ALL the cells of your body, mind, AND heart.
And you will feel a deep desire to RECEIVE from him, and this will feel SO right. Yet true intimacy also allows you to give back to him without any sense of expectation because you’re already so filled up.
True intimacy will make you want to merge with him as one yet still remain distinctly and beautifully you.
True intimacy makes you want to create with him.
True intimacy will make you feel WARM and REALLY, REALLY GOOD all over, inside and out. You will feel so safe, so loved, so cherished, and so connected in ways which mere words cannot well express.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and finally get the romance, affection and great sex you want and deserve–>>