Here’s a letter from Helene about her lying, cheating man:
“Dominique, My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. The first 6 months or so of our relationship were spent apart.
We spoke on the phone at least once every day, and I trusted him.
He’s been back for a while now and I’ve just discovered that when we were apart, he had a relationship with another woman. They supposedly hung out in a group on a regular basis, and one night at a club they both were heavily intoxicated and proceeded to have a make-out session on a couch.
His friends broke it up and reminded him that he had a serious girlfriend. He’s promised me on multiple occasions that he’s never cheated on me, and when I confronted him he told me, “it wasn’t cheating, I was drunk, so it doesn’t count,” which quite frankly I think is bullshit.
In addition to this, the woman was married and claimed to have feelings for him that he told me he was beginning to reciprocate (which he’s denied saying since), and he continued to pursue her on a regular basis, asking to take her out to dinner or lunch.
She eventually told him they couldn’t speak anymore as she was trying to work things out with her husband.
My boyfriend is notorious for lying about important things, like the number of women he’s slept with or that he’s quit smoking, and I can’t move past this newest lie. Not only did he cheat on me, but he lied about it more than once and tried to play it off like it was just a mistake, and I can’t believe him anymore. I think there was more to the relationship than he claims.
I don’t know what to do in this situation. This is my first serious relationship, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or where to go from here. I know that he feels awful, but I can’t help wondering if it’s only because he got caught. I do know that he mysteriously stopped going out to party at the time this occurred and that he began picking up extra watch shifts and speaking to me much more often. He claims he did this so as not to make another mistake and jeopardize our relationship.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you, Helene”
Here’s My Answer About Your Cheating Man:
Helene, It seems to me you’ve answered your own question. You said you can’t move past this lie, one in a string of many lies which you state as being about important things.
His behavior went into what is for you cheating man territory. For some this would be okay. For others, such as you, this is not okay. I would agree with you. If this had happened to me, I too would deem him a cheating man.
On the other hand, it does seem to appear that he’s working to make amends, picking up extra shifts etc.
My thoughts are going where yours have though, that he’s concerned he was caught. But then again maybe he really wants to be your man and wants to step for you.
You Have 2 Choices in Response to Your Cheating Man:
1. End this relationship now because he’s repeatedly lied to you about things you think are important, and this is just another lie.
2. Stick around for a bit and see if he’s sincere about changing his ways. But the only way this will work is if you come to him from a place of total trust, no checking up on him, no making him feel like he’s a bad little boy or cheating man about to be caught in another lie. No feeling, thinking, acting suspicious of him about anything.
If he’s going to go back to lying to you and cheating on you, he will, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening. And it will come out.
Believe me when I tell you that there are many good men out there. He’s your first serious relationship, and he may likely not be your last. If this man won’t step up, another much better one will.
Love, Dominique xxoo
From Sarah: If you need some help finding your way or your confidence, Dominique’s got what you need. She knows how to be a strong woman and STILL open up your heart in a way that’ll get and keep a good, strong man. So, check out her new book, Sex and Heart, and get over your cheating man.