by Eris Huemer

We have all, at some point and time, experienced a very bad break-up.

Out of the blue he tells you that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or that he’s no longer “in love” with you, or he’ll no longer call or text you 10 times a day, or the worst he’s seeing someone else (or wants to).

Or, even worse you share a mortgage and kids together!

Suddenly, you feel like your life is over and you’ll never find a guy like him again.

You feel helpless and alone.

I get it. I’ve been there!

One of my new clients, Sheri, just emailed me this letter:

“Dear Eris,

I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months. I am totally in love with him. We got along wonderfully, liked the same things, had similar goals and values. We loved to spend time together. He would call me three times a day and texted and e-mailed more. I met his friends and family. He told me that I was the one for him. I felt that he was the one for me. It seemed as if everything was positive with no negatives.

Then, out of the blue, things began to change. He slowed down on the calls. He didn’t want to see me. So, I called him. He informed me that his friends set him up on a date and he realized that he wasn’t ready to settle down. I said, “What about me and us?!” He informed me that he didn’t have feelings for me and he still needed time to explore.

I was (and still am) devastated.I thought that he was the one. This is so hard because my feelings for him won’t go away. I don’t know what to do. I want to be his friend in the hopes that he will come back to me. I want to win him back. I feel like we are meant to be together.

I cry every day. I can’t sleep at night. I m trying to keep busy but its not working. We still talk once in a while but he doesn’t want to get together. My hurt doesn’t go away. What can I do to get him back to me? Please Help!!!

Love, Sheri”

I totally know how Sherri feels. I have been there. In fact, the man that I thought was my “soul mate”, ended things without a warning. We were planning our future together and I felt in my heart that he was “the one”. Or, so I thought.

He dumped me without a warning. I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop crying, and couldn’t manage my life without him.

What was even harder for me to except was the reality was that our relationship was O-V-E-R. He didn’t want to be with me anymore and I had a difficult time understanding why.

That break up was actually what inspired me to write my book

That being said, I suggest to Sheri, and so many other people going through this experience, to write my book Break-Up Emergency, my first step in becoming a relationship expert and helping people heal their broken hearts.

That being said, I suggest to Sheri, and so many other people going through this experience, to not try and win him back. I know how difficult this might be to hear right now but, the reality is that you are no longer together. All to often when a relationship ends, we dwell on what our ex did, is doing, or how to win them back.

This is NOT a good idea.

For now, I suggest that you erase his number, don’t text, e-mail, IM, drive by his house, show up where he goes, etc. (trust me, I know because I have been there).

During this time of healing your broken heart, you might experience fear, confusion, and intense emotions. I know that I did. If you do, I suggest that you write down or put a voice to whatever you are feeling, figure out what you can do about it, and do it. If you focus on healing your broken heart and set it as your most important intention right now, you will.

If you are meant to be together it will happen – eventually. But, not because you make it happen. (Trust me, there are no magical or manipulative tools that you can use to win him back.) The only thing you can do is take care of YOU, get YOUR power back, and become a strong individual.

Once you heal and become strong within yourself and get a hold of your feminine, you will give yourself the opportunity to attract a man who will give you the love that you want and deserve.

Many times we need to go through difficult experiences in order to change. So, the good news is that your relationship ending does not mean that your life is over. It means that it is about to begin!

Start reflecting on yourself and take an honest look at yourself in the mirror. You can use this Break UP experience and make it a Break THROUGH.

Eris is doing a special 6 week teleclass starting January 26th – you through Step-By-Step how to heal your broken heart and Transform your Break UP into a Break THROUGH – so you can (like the title of her terrific new book) go from Break UP to Break THROUGH AND BEYOND. You can find out more about Eris’s teleclass here->


  1. Geekmom on February 5, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    I just have to wonder why one would ever want that person again? If he didn’t have the guts to stick around in the first place then he really didn’t think enough about you to begin with. Then again, unless he has tried over and over again and you were the one who needed change.

  2. Sandra on April 10, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    Thanks for your sound advice Eris. I especially agree with you that no manipulative tools can bring someone back. That said, I am suffering from a terrible heart-ache right now. My ex dumped me because he didn’t want to marry me. I am still a virgin, but he claimed whatever else we did was meaningful. However right from the onset of us dating I had told him I was looking for a serious relationship. After he dumped me, he insisted we should be friends. Then he realized he should give me space, by which time I was facing an awful crisis with my in-understanding family and facing abandonment issues. He is an anxious person, and supported me in his own way. However that made me get even closer to him, and we would often end up crying or getting into fights about why the relationship didn’t work out. But finally I got a grip of myself and handled my personal crisis by myself, and gave him a lot of space. We only exchanged friendly emails of encouragement and healing. Then before I left for an important trip, we met up and actually had a calm and pleasant meeting. He called it “enriching” and said that we should talk about emotionally hard issues like dating others only on emails. Then later in the evening he sent me an email. He said he has been upset for no apparent reason and needs a distance. For the purpose, he wanted to transfer to another college in our university! I called him back, cried hysterically and begged him not to do something so unwise just before our final. Then I suggested no contact myself, and he very coldly agreed, even though I bid him a sweet farewell. When I reached my destination, I sent him my last email, expressing both my anger and sorrow, but wishing him well in the end.
    I don’t know what to do besides use this time to heal from so many things happening simultaneously in my life. He is by far the sweetest person I have ever known, though not necessarily mature, clearly. But I hope deep down inside that maybe someday he will come to value me, and how much I took care of him despite his anxiety issues. When we broke up, I was the one consoling him!

    P.S- He said he isn’t interested in dating yet because of heavy school-work, and although he does tango, for him it is just about dancing. In the past he had dated a dance partner, and claimed it was a bad idea.

    P.P.S. Sorry for not mentioning this earlier, but he dumped me because he realized later that he did not want to marry or have the responsibilities and expectations that come with it. He also claimed to be a loner, who just wants to travel the world and do his own thing.

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