by Editor Sarah
How can you be effectively with honesty when you’re dealing with a man who can’t seem to even HEAR what you’re saying?
Who deflects and defends and doesn’t listen to you?
How can you help a man who’s only fault as a partner is that he seems unhappy with his own life?
How can you help him overcome his issues and be happy with you?
If you pride yourself on honesty – then you know: The effectiveness of honesty depends on a person’s willingness to face the truth, which may conflict with this person’s desires and provoke denial.
That’s your mother, your friend, your man, the man across from you who’d be fine to date if only he fixed his hair and dressed better.
In such a case, how can one promote this willingness to know the truth, despite the inner conflict?
And how can you do it without damaging your relationship – and instead have your honesty bring you CLOSER?
Since honesty and facing the truth and embracing your reality is so healthy – it prevents disease, reduces the effects of stress, creates passion and closeness in a love relationship – why are we ACTUALLY, when it comes down to it, unwilling to face it?
I Believe There Are Two Reasons For This Unwillingness To DO Honesty:
Firstly, the desire to know the truth, which originates in the desire to live happily, spontaneously degenerates into the desire to be right, to avoid the insecurity and shame associated with error and ignorance, and also to avoid the effort to learn.
Thus fear, pride, and laziness are obstacles to the pursuit of truth and happiness.
People are unlikely to admit they are wrong when they are, unless they possess courage and humility.
Secondly, the truth may be known from experience about a happy way of life.
The desire to know the truth then turns into the desire to see the truth last.
So you get stuck.
You get “Mental Inertia.”
And that desire to “stay where you are and not move or change” gets stronger and stronger as the attraction to happiness gets stronger.
In other words – we build up a huge amount of tension and resistance to anything that breaks the status quo .
It feels to your mind like some major earthquake-like upheaval.
Reality is so easily denied: “I cannot believe it; this cannot be happening.”
Reality is deemed unreal because it no longer tallies with the desired truth.
So we start to make the facts conform to our ideas! We skew everything so that we end up RIGHT!
Our reason gets overthrown, our emotions are all over the place, and we squander our precious energy, time and love trying desperately to prove reality wrong.
A Perfect Example Of The Challenge Of Honesty Is When A Man We’re Dating Is Not Doing The Job.
He’s not calling, he’s not paying enough attention, he shows no signs of committing – and perhaps he’s even mean more than once.
How many of us make excuses for him and try to see only his good points (usually his looks, how good he is in bed, or even – in the absense of ANYTHING good about him – how much chemistry WE feel for him!)
Is it that we’re so afraid of things going wrong and that we’ll lose something by changing our direction?
Are we stuck in “denial” because because we can barely even imagine a happy life that’s different from the one we’ve been imagining our whole lives?
Is pursuit of real love and happiness all bound up with fear and automatically associated with grief, strain, and doubt, or even despair?
To help a person acknowledge an undesired truth about a radical change in reality, one has to couple honesty with wisdom to heighten this person’s awareness of the human capacity for adaptation.
This capacity is best illustrated by the example of people who have suffered a terrible misfortune and progressively discovered a new outlook and a new happiness, more enlightened and satisfying than the old ones.
If people can get a new outlook in the midst of tragedy – we can learn to recognize a man who isn’t doing us good and take the major leap to opening up to the possibility that there’s another, better man just around the corner for us.
In addition, you have to stimulate your WILL.
And if it’s your man who’s will you want to stimulate – you CAN’T do it by making him wrong.
The moment you “correct” him – he’s going to instinctively stick up for what he thought was right.
So – honesty isn’t all that simple.
It’s about where it’s COMING from.
Am I telling my man what I think honestly because I want him to CHANGE or DO something?
Do I want him to admit he’s wrong and I’m right?
Because that will never, ever work.
On the other hand, if I share with him how I feel – lost, confused, upset, angry – in the situation I’m in, he’ll be able to hear me.
He won’t take it personally.
He won’t feel attacked.
So, next time you feel compelled to be “honest” – look at what it is you really want.
Do you have an agenda? Or do you just want to open your heart and let him know how you feel?
Sincerely, Sarah for
Honesty in a relationship is SO crucial – because, without it – you’re walking on eggshells and there’s just no chance for emotional intimacy to happen. What I’ve been talking about here works perfectly with Rori Raye’s Feeling Message technique. I know you’ll get a lot from her free newsletters (and check out her book Have The Relationship YouWant) right here to learn how to communicate with honesty->