by Christian Carter
Now here’s another letter from a reader with a very different kind of love life concern:
>>>>Letter From A Reader
I have recently been talking to someone I met online and he tells me, after only 2 weeks of communicating how much he feels love for me in his heart.
I am very attracted as I have already seen his pictures and have responded in kind to his affections with my own philosophy of what love means. He has expressed a wonderful connection to me as a result of this.
Part of me is still uncertain as we have not met yet. I am hopeful however that it can grow for me as it has for him so easily.
I have never met anyone that has expressed himself so easily. I want to be able to trust that he is not just desperate and lonely!
Thank you, and appreciate the new CD you have out!
>>>> MY RESPONSE
Ok, so let me get this straight.
You’ve been “talking” online to a guy for 2 weeks and he’s already expressed “love” for you.
But you haven’t met.
And you’re not sure what you feel for him.
But you hope that your feelings for him grow as easily as his have for you.
You’re setting yourself up for what could be a potentially disastrous situation.
And I’m not talking about the possibility that this guy MIGHT be some kind of “desperate” or dangerous weirdo. That’s beside the point.
(Which could definitely happen, and you wouldn’t be the first woman who was “duped” by some guy who misrepresented himself online.)
No, I’m talking about the potential for you to waste precious time and emotional energy on a man you might not be attracted to AT ALL if and when you DO meet in person.
That happens all the time.
I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve heard this story…
You meet a man online, and you hit it off right away because he happens to be very expressive, witty, charming, “real” and interested in you.
Suddenly you find yourself having feelings of love for someone you’ve never laid eyes on (pictures don’t count) and thinking about him all the time.
The longer you “talk” online, the more attached you get.
Getting an email or IM from him is one of the highlights of your day.
Then the day comes that you finally meet for a drink or coffee or whatever, and…
IT’S A TOTAL LETDOWN!
He isn’t AT ALL what you thought he would be.
6’1″ is really 5’6″.
“Athletic” body type is really “couch-like.”
And he’s not as witty, or charming, or funny. He’s a little “off” in a way you can’t quite put your finger on.
He doesn’t look quite as attractive as he did in his photos (from the late 1980’s).
And there’s something about the way he moves and talks that’s a downright TURN-OFF!
So – depending on how much time and energy you’ve spent building up “feelings” for this guy online, that’s the level of your shock and disappointment.
Why does this happen so often?
What’s the disconnect between “knowing” a person online and knowing them in person?
Think about this fact for a minute:
Something like 95% of communication is NON-VERBAL.
That means that when you first meet someone, you base a lot of your opinions about that person from how they walk, sit, smile. How they hold eye contact or not. How they fidget or sit dead-still, or look relaxed and confident.
Have you ever met a man who was generally attractive and seemed to have a lot going for him, but there was something about him that you just didn’t like? And you could never even IMAGINE being romantic with him?
The only way you could explain it was that you felt you didn’t “hit it off” or have “chemistry.”
That’s because his non-verbal communication was sending you all the wrong signals.
There was something about what he was DOING with his body that just didn’t “sync” with you. It most likely had little or nothing to do with the CONTENT of what he was saying.
It had everything to do with ATTRACTION, which, by the way, is more about HOW you carry yourself than WHAT you say.
Anyway, getting back to your little online romance here.
Since you have no REAL VISUAL to base how you experience this guy’s non-verbal communication, your mind is making it up for you.
In your mind, he’s displaying the PERFECT non-verbal communication.
Whatever you imagine the “perfect” man to move like or carry himself – that’s the picture your mind has created subconsciously when it comes to this guy you’re talking