In a relationship, can a fight really make for better sex?
Well yes I suppose it can. I have heard as much. I’ve heard that this kind of sex can be fueled with a passion only anger can ignite.
But can it really? Can anger really turn into deep soul filling, heart and soul connecting, loving sex?
Couldn’t this kind of sex be filled with equal if not greater passion from something else in your relationship?
Anger fueled sex fills me with concern, and I carry serious questions about it.
I feel concerned that those who enjoy and maybe even prefer generating anger first in order to spark sexuality, in order to feel great turn on may have numbed themselves to love centered passion.
I feel concerned that these people have grown accustomed to feeling passion primarily through heated arguments. I feel concerned that they may have difficulty generating passion through warm, cozy, fuzzy, adoring, heart centered emotions.
Fighting is heated; sex can be heated.
It usually turns into heat pretty quickly.
But when one leads into the other, fighting into sex, they can become associated with each other.
They can become enmeshed, maybe even inextricably linked one with the other.
To break this bond could be difficult.
Maybe you wouldn’t even want to.
Yet I Believe You’ll Miss Out On A Whole Lot In Your Relationship If You Keep On In This Way
For sex is also caring and cherishing, gentle and sweet.
And if it begins with peacefulness and comfort, a smoldering can and does lead to some very heated, yummy stuff, yet it begins and remains firmly in connection, in heart.
Sex with heart feels so much better to me than sex with anger.
A woman wrote me the following awhile back which is what prompted this article.
“I have a question that bothers me, and maybe you can advise in a future article. How to turn verbal fights with partner into wild sex and solve problems instead of letting sorrow fill the relationship?”
My first reaction to this is suggesting not having the fights in the first place. Fighting and arguments are so unnecessary the vast majority of the time.
If you can learn to listen without defending, if you can learn to take most everything back to yourself and look inside to see if you are being triggered not by this other person but rather by something old, something painful, something having nothing to do with your man, a great many arguments and certainly fighting would be avoided.
These sorts of triggers are signs of needed healing. Unless it’s something totally heinous, there isn’t much another person can say or do to affect you negatively unless you allow it, or rather unless you are seeing, hearing, feeling things, and thus reacting through the filters of your triggers.
I am NOT suggesting stuffing your feelings or avoiding having disagreements. I AM saying that arguing is not needed. It puts everyone on the defensive, and no one feels good. Little if anything gets solved satisfactorily.
AND there are some great ways to address things without it turning into a fight. If you have read anything of mine at all, then you will have a very good idea about what I speak.
Avoiding fighting is about being in tune with yourself and your body, what you are thinking and more importantly feeling. Learning how to express yourself from a feeling place. It’s about being authentic without needing to attack or make another wrong.
When things don’t feel good AND you have decided it’s worth bringing up, AFTER you’ve gone inside to see if your bad feelings were truly about him and not something being triggered within having NOTHING to do with him at all, then you do so by NOT blaming or making your man wrong. You come from a place which is about you and ONLY you and how YOU FEEL.
You may ask for his help in this, or you may ask him what he thinks. Approaching a man in this way sidesteps most any possibility of him feeling attacked and thus retaliating or going into shut down mode. Either reactions are common default reflexes most people will go to even if they know better and have better tools in which to deal with “confrontation.”
I think having differences of opinion plays out in a very different arena than sex does. And I believe they need to be kept apart. To mix them together as described above can become messy. It can readily muddy the love waters.
It can confuse your psyche and your heart enough that fighting and sex are experienced as one and the same, so great sex becomes synonymous with fighting. Maybe you can only have awesome sex after a fight. Is this what you really want?
What Anger Does to You and Your Relationship
When you feel anger, you well-..feel anger. Anger means tightness inside, at least a curtain drawn around your heart, resentment welling, and all the other things you would experience when angry which are not good feeling feelings.
To equate this with love seems dangerous to me. At the very least you will be twisting the two together in, well–.twisted ways.
Some couples can apparently transition from arguments into sex successfully, and they claim to have better sex because emotions are in a heightened state. Maybe for some they have successfully learned to channel their anger in this way.
But I really don’t know if this is really true, and I can almost guarantee that the residue from fighting carries over into the bedroom. I question how open, truly heart and soul vulnerable open they can really be.
Sex is about soft and sensual, openness and depth, sensitivity and connection. It’s about fun and play. It’s about deeply intimate love. It’s about two becoming one in a special, passionate way, and this cannot be if there barriers in the way. Barriers erected from feeling bad via arguing or fighting.
I don’t believe fighting is ultimately productive or useful, and there are other and in my view better ways to get the juices flowing and flowing strongly to have awesome, sparks flying all over the place sex.
When you are coming from a place of comfort and ease and profound intimacy, a mere touch can ignite a firestorm of love centered passion.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and then email her for coaching for your relationship->