by Rori Raye
So let’s start working with this basic problem of getting the “friend card” – the problem I was experiencing with man after man for much of my life (until I figured things out…), and perhaps it’s the same situation that you’re now finding yourself in:
The problem is: We believe he’s IT.
We believe that the man in front of us is the ONLY man.
If you get a moment to think about it, and think back on some men you once thought were “It,” it can seem hard to believe that you ever believed he was “It,” but when you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to see. And even more confusing and awful – we’ve all been trained to believe a man is “It”!
We believe a man our heart is involved with is the ONLY man for us.
And that’s just a plain lie.
I know it’s a lie, because not only did I meet my wonderful husband many years later, but BETWEEN that man and my husband, there were SEVERAL men I felt even MORE strongly about than I did him.
I can laugh now, because as I write this, all those men come back to my memory and – yes – they ALL played me the “friend card.”
Clearly, that was my pattern.
And clearly, that was the way my own fear of intimacy showed itself.
I couldn’t really handle “True Love.”
I could only handle “Good Friends.”
Of course, “Good Friends With Sex,” but since I had no way, at that time, of separating “Sex” from “True Love,” the whole idea of “Friends With Sex” never even occurred to me.
If there was sex, it HAD to be a relationship.
Even though things have changed – the times have changed, what’s “acceptable” has changed, and we change as we gain experience – and even though on an “intellectual level” we may realize that sex is sex and friendship is friendship and romantic love forever is romantic love forever – in all our hearts, I believe, we women feel sex and romantic love as the same thing.
In my opinion, that’s a GOOD way to feel.
That doesn’t mean we can’t make exceptions, and have sex with “good friends” of our CHOOSING, but it has to be OUR CHOICE, and to do that in a way that really serves us, we have to know the difference.
So how can this help YOU?
The “friend card” can ONLY be played in an Imaginary Relationship.
And it can only HURT if you’ve made yourself exclusive.
And it can only make you feel foolish if you’ve let yourself get emotionally and sexually and hormonally tied up in him.
So, this is NOT about protecting yourself from the “friend card.”
This is about AVOIDING it ALTOGETHER!
So Here Are Some Basic Steps For Avoiding the Friend Card:
1. Do NOT sleep with a man until you feel CERTAIN he sees you as a future “wife” and not a future “friend.”
So, how do you do that?
You don’t have to pepper him with questions. You wait until he pressures or pushes for sex. And then you think this:
“I’m not looking for a boyfriend, here, and I don’t want to be in a “friendship” with sex. Sex is important to me, and I don’t want to get all hormonally involved without knowing where a relationship is going. I feel really good with you, and I don’t want to put pressure on this to become some kind of serious, or even exclusive relationship, so I’d feel so much more comfortable waiting until you know what you have in mind, here.”
If you’re very brave, you can even SAY this!
Notice how these words don’t ASK him for anything? They don’t ask him how he feels, they don’t ask him what he wants.
They simply express what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable with, and what you DON’T want.
Okay, now if you’re already sleeping with him, but don’t know how he feels, and are afraid he’s “stringing you along”… try this:
2. Next time you’re with him, notice how he behaves.
It’s entirely possible he ISN’T “stringing you along,” he just isn’t FEELING IT yet, and he likes you a lot and is hoping that there’s still a chance something might catch fire.
So, turn up the heat by saying how you feel.
“Can we talk for a minute? I’ve noticed that sometimes I’m feeling really uncomfortable. I’m not sure if I’m misinterpreting our relationship. I’m starting to feel hormonally all attached to you, and I can’t help wondering what it is that’s going on for you. I only know that – “I’m not looking for a boyfriend, here, and I don’t want to be in a “friendship” with sex. Sex is important to me, and I don’t want to get all hormonally involved with a “friend.” I feel really good with you, and I don’t want to put pressure on this to become some kind of serious, or even exclusive relationship, so I’m not sure what to do. What do you think?”
These Speeches Will Help You Take Care Of Yourself – So You Won’t “Fall” For The Friend Card
He may not KNOW what he feels, but at least the conversation will get started – and, for the first time, he’ll know how YOU feel.
Knowing how you feel and hearing you speak it in a Feeling-Message way will bring him in closer no matter WHAT he’s feeling.
“Playing along” and trying not to listen to words he says and notice the things he does that make you uncomfortable, will NOT bring him CLOSER!
In fact, playing along will do the opposite of what you want.
Playing along will make you into more and more of a “friend.”
So to AVOID the “friend card,” listen to your heart, and SPEAK from it.
From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters