christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

I have a couple of personal questions I’d like to ask you…

You may have never shared these things with anyone before, but I want you to think about them and be as honest as possible.

Have you had a run of “failed” relationships or disappointments with the men in your life… and not really known why what seems like something “real” at first with a man always turns out to be anything but?

Maybe you’ve even wondered, “Why does this keep happening to me?”

And has the lack of real and lasting love in your life ever made you worry that something might be SERIOUSLY WRONG… but you don’t exactly know what? So you’ve started to worry that it’s not just men who don’t “get” relationships or know how to make a real, honest to goodness COMMITMENT… but that there might also be another reason why love and commitment doesn’t seem to last for you.

And this other reason has to do with the fact that there’s something about YOU that’s keeping a lasting, emotionally connected and committed relationship with a man out of your reach?

Have you ever felt (or do you feel now) that if you could just get that one special guy to finally figure out what he really wants in his heart, and commit to opening up to real love and connection with you, instead of being afraid and running from it, that everything would become easier and work itself out?

And do you secretly fear that this might NEVER happen for you with a man while there’s still time? That you might spend the rest of your life alone, or in dead-end relationship after dead-end relationship? That you might NEVER find that “one” guy you truly love who is capable of a truly COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with you?

Now, on a slightly different note…Was there ever a time when you felt that if you could just learn what was REALLY going on inside a man’s head… and help him see how a deeply committed relationship works… and show him how it could make you both even happier together, that you would finally have the love and security you’ve always wanted in your love life?

That way, you and a man would finally be FREE to share all the benefits of TRUE LOVE, without all the fears and uncertainty that come from thinking one of you might WITHDRAW or pull away. And have you had the experience of learning some great ideas and ways of communicating that SHOULD work with men… but they just don’t seem to be working for YOU? Do you secretly fear that no matter WHAT you learn… things might never REALLY come together for you… and that you might NEVER really have the loving situation you want with a man?

If this hits home with you, you are not alone.

For many women, these types of “inner challenges” can be a mystery that are almost impossible to solve by picking apart the meaning of a man’s thinking or behavior on their own.

And sure, thinking and talking about these things with your friends can often make you FEEL better and be strangely fun and fascinating, but rarely does it bring you new RESULTS in the future.

I want to share something with you right now…

We all have areas in our lives where we could stand to learn and grow… just like how LOTS of men could stand to learn more than a thing or two about how to have an open, loving, committed relationship with a woman. But if you’ve spent time observing how most people learn and grow (or don’t), then there’s something you’ve undoubtedly come across…

RESISTANCE.

Resistance is usually a SUBCONSCIOUS attempt or desire to ignore, deny or avoid a specific situation or event that involves unwanted feelings or emotions.We all have our own personal areas and “levels” of RESISTANCE.

Resistance to other people’s differences. Or resistance to what might really be happening in the present moment that we don’t like, or that scares us. Or the all too common resistance to CHANGE.

But do you know where resistance usually comes from?

You can probably guess.

I’ll give you a second…

Got it?

That’s right… it usually comes from our own personal FEARS.

Here are a couple of common fears that often create resistance in relationships:

Fear of REJECTION.

Fear of ABANDONMENT.

Fear of INTIMACY.

Fear of COMMITMENT.

Fear of being ALONE.

Recognize any fears here? Recognize any fears men often carry? Here’s the critical piece to this I want to share with you…

Our own fears are the things that help create the RESISTANCE we put up in our lives. I’ll bet you already see how this works with men and their fears of commitment or intimacy.

The strange thing is, the resistance we put up is THE VERY THING that keeps us from learning, growing and becoming more AWARE in our lives…especially when it comes to close and intimate relationships. Which means…

The more you fear a situation, such as a man becoming close and loving with you then pulling away and not being able to COMMIT, the less you’re going to be able to remain CONSCIOUS and AWARE of what’s really going on for you and a man in your relationship (RESISTANCE)… And the less you’re going to be able to LEARN about and UNDERSTAND not just your relationship… But also the less you’re going to be able to learn about who the man you’re with really is…

And the less you’re going to learn about YOURSELF.

Add all this up and what do you get? A severe LACK of SELF-AWARENESS… which can make a real, close, lasting, intimate relationship with a man desperately frustrating and seemingly impossible. (Plus, this also happens to be the very definition of UNATTRACTIVE and send up a “red-flag” to a man, when it comes a man wanting a long term and committed relationship with a woman.)

That’s why, when I talk to most women, the most frustrating thing for them, when it comes to having the relationship they know they’re capable of having, is that they can’t put their finger on exactly what’s getting in their way… other than having the guy they’re with finally “get it”.

They figure that if they can just get a sexy, caring, affectionate, loyal boyfriend who sees love and relationships the way they do… that they would finally have it all. They secretly imagine that on the day that they find this great guy, their pain and frustration with men and relationships will come to an immediate end. And… of course… they also figure that if they can learn the right “tricks” to communicating with the man in their relationship, and get him to recognize the value of true and lasting love, that they’d be able to have the deep level of connection and PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT they want.

Lots of women I’ve talked with do something else I find FASCINATING as well…

They make “pictures” in their mind about what it will be like to finally be in a secure, loving, committed relationship… They picture how great the connection they have with their guy will be… and how happy and confident this connection will make them feel on an emotional level. They picture how a man will no longer pull away or withdraw from them… and that when he shows signs of this, they’ll be able to get the man out of it immediately and have him back into a deep emotional connection with them because of the strength of their relationship and bond. They picture how no matter what happens, and how much time passes, that the deep unconditional love will always be clear and present to them from their man.

And they picture how a man will always know how to pull them out of any arguments, problems or difficult situations they have with each other by inviting her into love through affection, understanding and communication.

This kind of relationship has to exist, right!?

It’s not just a fairytale, is it?

Other people have amazing relationships and share lasting and true love, right!?

Yes, they do. But can you simply “arrive” at this final destination of committed and lasting love? If you ask the couples you know, or the women who are in committed, loving relationships, you’ll find that they didn’t just “arrive” there. Both the man and the woman had to find their own ways to being there together… and they more often than not had different paths, challenges, fears and levels of RESISTANCE of their own.

But there has to be a clear plan, and a “strategy”, for getting to that open, loving, and committed place.

You’ve seen other women find it. So why can’t you just learn what those women did and do the same thing?

I’m willing to bet that you’ve spent more than your fair share of time and energy watching other women and couples… reading all the books and advice out there… talking to your friends… and maybe even trying to get the inside scoop from other men. But something still hasn’t been working for you.

You would approach a conversation or a situation with a man the same way that you thought you saw it work for another woman, or with the advice you got from a friend… but it just wouldn’t have the same positive effect for you. You’d spend tons of time thinking things through before talking to a man… and consider things from his point of view too… and you still wouldn’t be able to get his attention and have him open up.

You’d even try to anticipate his frustration or irritation when you wanted to talk about the relationship… and you made sure you were cool- headed and coming from a good place when you talked to him… but he’d still quickly find something about you or the conversation that would set him off… and he’d pull away. But… every once in a while you would be with a man and he would be open, affectionate, caring and loyal… and things would feel amazing as you shared so many new experiences together.

But sooner or later… just when you thought you were both getting very close and comfortable… for reasons you couldn’t explain…he would become “unavailable”, or even
disappear… and you’d never be close to him again. You couldn’t make any sense of it at all.

And it killed you that you couldn’t understand why he pulled away from something that was so amazing… Why were you trying SO hard, just to have a man pull away or withdraw without reason or warning. And negative thoughts started creeping into your head-

Maybe you’re just not meant to have true love in your life… Maybe you’re just not young or pretty enough…Maybe your personality drove men away… Or maybe the men were to blame. You knew you were a good person and a great woman… what was wrong with these men that they couldn’t see it? Or… as much as you were afraid to admit it…maybe there was something WRONG with YOU.

Have you ever felt this way?

It hurts.

And the worst part is… it feels like there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about it.

You feel like you’re riding a never ending wave of frustration, pain, loneliness and failure…and just when you think you’re about to break free – like when you do finally connect on a deep level with a man that seems interested in you and capable of something “real” – he stops calling…or flakes on a date… or just pulls away for no reason at all… and the wave smashes you back down to the ground where you started. Frustrated, hopeless, and alone.

The really sad thing is that lots of women experience these painful situations over and over.

They never escape.

But why?

I believe that the HONEST reason why is… because most women never learn how the COMMITMENT PROCESS really works with a man… and don’t know how to handle all the “inner challenges” that are certain to arise for both a man and a woman as they become closer and more committed.

(Hint – the COMMITMENT PROCESS is different for a man and a woman.)

Instead, women often try to get a man to experience the commitment process the way they do and have him lead them into a deeper connection himself… hoping that they won’t NEED to address the HARD stuff, and that the man’s love for them will carry things through.

But what happens when a man is NOT “courting” a woman or leading her into a committed situation in his own way?

Exactly. Things start to go very wrong.

If you think about it, there’s a real paradox here too…

The closer and more committed you start to become with a man… the higher the “stakes”
get… and the natural challenges and levels of RESISTANCE that come up increase significantly.

Being close and intimate can be scary and intense… and even downright DANGEROUS if you don’t know how to keep your cool when the tough situations arise.

You should know that tough situations WILL come up when you get truly close to a man and he feels a deep level of physical and emotional attraction for you, and you for him.

It’s an unavoidable human experience to run into conflict and disagreement when any two people are extremely close in their relationship.

But here’s another place where other women go wrong with men… because they never learn what to expect in a REAL relationship with a man – anything that isn’t “good” can easily throw them, and therefore the whole relationship, out of whack.

Let me ask you…

Do you even know a single great guy, who’s in a great relationship, who you can look to as an example of how a good guy behaves inside a real, close, loving relationship?

If you’re like most women I know… then the answer is no, you don’t.

But then, it only makes sense that you also don’t really know any WOMEN who are a great example of a woman living and creating a happy, lasting, fulfilling relationship either.

In other words, most women don’t know how to tell what is “normal” conflict, resistance, and withdrawal in a relationship, from what is damaging and fatal.

And as a result, women often become their own worst enemies – sabotaging things as they feel deeply worried and insecure about what’s going to happen with the man in their life.

Is some of the worry justified? Maybe.

Do you want that worrying or fear to take over and potentially ruin EVERYTHING?

Definitely not.

Would you rather figure out for yourself what to expect… and avoid all the uncertainty and frustration in the first place?

Absolutely.

It’s time to throw away all the confusion…and get rid of the bad “models” in your head who you’ve learned from – like some of your friends or family…

It’s time to get started with a “clean slate”… learning WHAT WORKS when it comes to creating a healthy, lasting and COMMITTED situation with a real man.

And once you start, EVERYTHING will change.

Probably the most IMPORTANT change you’ll experience when this starts to happen, is when you learn how commitment actually works FOR A MAN (or, as importantly, how it doesn’t work!).

This change will be like a giant “shift” in your life, your awareness, and your perspective…

And it might be THE BIGGEST “shift” you’ll ever make when it comes to finding, creating and enjoying a lasting relationship with a man… and helping a man do the same with you.

Once you are no longer UNCERTAIN about what’s going on, what each “bump in the road” means and where you’re headed, you’re love life will INSTANTLY CHANGE.

There’s an old saying- “The hungry don’t get fed”.

Well, the same goes with men.

If you’re NEEDY or UNCERTAIN and you want a man to provide you with all the answers and experiences that will create the committed relationship you’re probably looking for, then don’t hold your breath.

You probably know that your own NEEDINESS, and the emotions that can come from FEAR and UNCERTAINTY, can negatively affect the man in your life… and thus the future of your relationship.

If you’re a mature woman… who has her life together… and has taken the time to get her own “inner challenges” handled, then men can FEEL it when they’re around you.

And they naturally become attracted to you like a MAGNET.

Your friend, Christian Carter

From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->

5 Comments

  1. Mhari on February 2, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    this is such an insiteful article! This is what many woman face every day including myself. I have been dating the same man for MANY years now and am really ready to settle down and wasn’t sure if I was sending the wrong signals to either get married or that I don’t want to. Its so confusing!!

    Every woman should read this..



  2. khushe on February 5, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    The article is really nice and helpful. I hope more and more women read it and make use of it in their lives. This will help the women to have loving and long lasting relationship with their beloved.



  3. Molly on February 6, 2009 at 9:26 am

    You are absolutely right- more women (and myself included) need real his signals better, and your article really helped me to see that. I was always so disappointed when I thought i found the one and then he left me… i guess now I know why!



  4. Kimberly on February 7, 2009 at 2:01 am

    This was a really helpful article! Every woman should definitely read this.There are a lot of women out there who act all needy because they think a man likes it when you play damsel in distress – but this is not always the case. Not all the time anyways. Very valuable article.



  5. Samy on February 8, 2009 at 6:05 am

    Very interesting and insightful article. This article was so honest, I think all of us at some point i our relationships ask these question to ourselves. I really liked how all the general fears like rejection and commitment have been highlighted here.



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