relationship advice by Rori Raye

Has a man ever disappointed you?

Made you feel like “less” and “not enough” and like you’re not as important as whatever it is he’s doing?

I remember that feeling being a standard part of every relationship – no matter how much great relationship advice I got from friends and family, it happened over and over again.

I remember struggling with myself and enduring such second-class treatment, that I’m embarrassed to talk about it. Yet, there I was, still talking myself into excusing him, or making the reality of things into my fantasy of what I wished it would be.

It was like I ignored my own feelings and intuition, and just kept going – ruled by my feelings for a man.

If this is happening to you – if finding a relationship or getting the relationship you’re in to the next level of commitment is ruling your thoughts and emotions, if you feel sad more than you feel happy – it doesn’t have to be that way.

With every Rori Raye Tool – you get an unexpected result –

YOU feel better, and amazingly, a man notices that difference in your vibe.

Then, you’re able to use words to communicate and connect with that man in a terrifically effective, powerful way – so that you CONTINUE to feel better, and HE continues to feel more and more attracted to you.

And, because you feel so good inside, and would never even consider doing anything that would be against your best interests, like tolerating bad behavior or making excuses for a man, or not telling the truth – EVERYTHING in your life gets better.

So – here’s a Tool to help with everything: BE UNPREDICTABLE:

We’re so used to thinking of “unpredictability” as dangerous.

As filled with drama, and uncontrolled emotions, and moodiness.

And…well, the truth is – it can be about that.

But – it only happens like that when we’re not paying attention to ourselves, to what’s really going on with us – and we instead react knee-jerk fashion with our old patterns and triggers.

In other words – the drama only happens when we’re not in touch with how we’re feeling in the moment, and so we react out of habit.

And usually, we’re not in touch because we’re using all our energy to stuff down the feelings we’re truly having and trying to make everything be peaceful and pleasant on the outside.

Well, trying to control what happens is worse than useless – it destroys our attractiveness. It makes us small and tight, and makes us feel needy and desperate.

And what’s worse – all the relationship advice we’ve ever heard our whole lives tells us that this trying to control our feelings and what’s going on with a man is “right,” when, actually –  it’s completely wrong and won’t work for us in love.

So – here’s 10 ways we make being unpredictable a great-feeling thing?

1. Make a list of situations you seem to encounter over and over – and leave at least 4 lines of space between each entry.

Things like:

“He acts this way and then I feel…” Or,

“He says this and then I do this…” Or,

“I want this, and there’s just no man around…” Or

“I want this, and he’s just not doing it…”

Write down situations where you feel frustrated, upset, and can’t seem to get your point across in a way a man can hear, or feel like you’re just not getting the attention you deserve.

2. Go back over your list, and beneath each situation, write down what you “usually” do in that situation.

Write down what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling in your heart and your body, and what you say and do when that situation happens

3. Now look over your list and see if there’s a pattern.

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14 Comments

  1. Eva on August 2, 2010 at 1:10 am

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for this tool. It is very useful, however, I would like to ask if there is any recommendation how I should use it in a situation when a man actually does not do anything really bad, yet one feels disappointed. Let me give an example.

    My bf of 8 years is often reluctant to make plans for us and when he does, he often changes them, reschedules them, makes adjustments according to what HE thinks is best, which really drives me crazy sometimes.

    The problem is that when I express my disappointment, he attacks me with words: “You are selfish. I do so much for you and you can´t appreciate it (which is not true, everytime he does something nice, I notice it and let him know). Why can´t you just understand I have a lot of problems I need to solve this/that first and then we can focus on e.g. our holiday.”

    The thing is that during these 8 years there have been ALWAYS lot of problems I HAD TO understand. So I went on and on exusing him as everytime he was able to provide logical and reasonable arguments for why we should or shouldn´t do this or do that. And everytime something was done according to MY suggestions or plans (very rare :-) I felt guilty for being given my way.

    Lately he had really (even from my point of view) BIG problems, which I didn´t realize at first and because by this time I was already tired of all this waiting around for him to do something, to commit, to make plans etc., instead of being supportive in his difficult situation, I announced I was going on holiday even without him this summer. He burst in anger and expressed his disappointment. He even told me I was not a good girl, that a girl he would marry had to be nice, supportive and loyal and that now he doesn´t know what to expect from me. That I was too unpredictable (In past I proved to be loyal and supportive so many times that I think this was only to make me feel guilty.)

    After this we´ve been on and off for a few months but finally made up and now it is fine. He even started to plan holiday by the sea for us despite the financial issues he had to face and told me that we would go no matter what. I was pretty OK with going for ANY holiday, even cheap one.

    Last weekend, however, I went to visit my friend altough he wanted me to stay at my hometown with him. But I had promised to myself to focus on ME and MY life so I went anyway. He finally was OK with it and even picked me up from railway station upon my return and acted affectionately. However, this morning during our small talk on the way to work (we commute to work together) I mentioned our holiday casually and he suddenly told: “Well, we´ll see. I don´t know yet how things come out.”
    Then I had to get off the car as we were already there and I was in hurry to work so I had no time to react.

    But it is true that this small and maybe unimportant remark made FEEL disappointed, angry (it reminds me so much of his habit to change plans constantly), confused.

    My question is – how do I bring this subject up later without him getting angry and blaming me for being selfish AGAIN? How do I start to talk about it when I am not sure whether he will even REMEMBER his saying it – it was just a remark and I am not sure he meant it seriously.

    Thank you very much for any suggestions (and sorry for too long comment) :-)

    Best regards, Eva



  2. Sarah on August 4, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Hi Eva,
    This is Sarah – I’m a staff editor at LoveRomanceRelationship.com. I wish Rori could reply to you here and I will try to get her to. For now, the best place to go to interact with her is at her blog, which is blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com. I hope you’ve already signed up for Rori’s free newsletters at https://www.loveromancerelationship.com/go/RoriRaye/ .
    Just copy and paste your comment on here to a comment on Rori’s blog. When you come back to check out more of Rori’s articles (that you won’t find anywhere else), let me know how Rori answered you.

    Sincerely,
    Sarah



  3. dee on September 17, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Hi Sarah,

    I really feel for Eva as I am having the same experiences in addition to the fact that anything he doesn’t understand is suspicious and / or false. The great excuse is ‘sleep’…tooooo tired after work but not to tired if friends are involved. I have not seen him for nearly 2 weeks now but he lives about 10 minutes by car from me. He’s too sleepy to want company, too tired or busy to take me out. If he calls me for 5 minutes, then i am sure to win the jackpot that day. He has tried to lie his way out of things several times but I just told him (nicely)that he should just tell the truth which to me is simpler…he does apologise immediately without arguing further. he tells me where he’s been or where he’s going even though I always know when he’s guilty of not seeing me and is trying to hide the truth. He forgets where he says he’s been and says the correct one and doesn’t even realise it as the real story he’s telling me links up to the real destination and people concerned.

    He wants me to stay home all the time even when he’s not there, worried that I’ll go to some other man, but when I put my foot down and told him I’m going out except he’s keeping me company, he immediately agreed to come even though he had previously claimed his friends were waiting for him at his home.(A lie probably… ) might have been looking for a way to go and join them. Is upset when I don’t call him saying he’s the only one who calls …which was a deliberate reaction form me) as he has this bad habit of not answering calls because he’s asleep even if he knows it could be me. I shocked him when I told him I won’t be bothered to call if he’s not going to answer it. Then he started calling. I find him so selfish or thoughtless because trust me he does love his sleep(very annoying) for an adult. i have read and listened to some of Rori’s tips and started applying them…but because I don’t see him often…rarely weekdays and weekends seem to be a treat if I do, it’s hard to keep up the excercises.

    Last week refused to go and see him because, he was timing my visit because he needed to go to bed early to prepare for the week. I told him I would not because he had over 48 hours of weekend to think about me or need me but he didn’t and I’m not prepared to be at his beck and call only to be frogmarched out when he feels ok. he laughed and said Ok besides it’s too late (6.30pm- that is) for me to go out anyway. So I told him I was well dressed and on my way out and he immediately jumped to attention. where, with who, why etc. Sarah, I’m really confused about why he asked me out in the first place. If he calls and i don’t pick up the phone he’s upset and believes I’m with a man and I don’t want him to find out…yet he doesn’t respond to his.

    Sarah, I think an answer to Eva’s question or worries will greatly answer my as I’m really confused. Never seen this before.

    Kind regards, dee



  4. Sarah on September 20, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    dee – hi, and thank you so much for your letter. I wish I was a relationship expert myself and could give you a great answer. So glad you’re following Rori and that her Tools work for you…I’ll keep printing more of my collection of her older newsletters you may not see anymore…and I snapped a copy of her Make Him Fall for You on Amazon – it’s a collection of 16 of her Tools in book form. If you’re getting her newsletters – she may find a way to talk about your issue in one of them. Sincerely, Sarah at LRR



  5. Cherie on March 15, 2011 at 5:54 am

    Dear Eva/Dee,

    Now I’m no relationship expert but you are both clearly with men who do not appreciate you. You are both allowing these men to take advantage of your kind nature, your emotions, your compassion and trust me you could both do so so much better. Both of these men are control freaks…you both practically list examples of their controlling behaviour!! a man can treat you how you allow them to treat you..so you are both partly to blame. Eva – how can you be scared to discuss something that is clearly upsetting you, hurting you, making you feel angry??? if your partner loved you as much as you believe he does…he would go out of his way, to ensure you don’t have such feelings. And Dee, how on earth do you allow a man to give you a time-slot?!

    You are both with selfish, self centre, controlling and manipulative men! yes, such men can and are often kind, sweet and loving and that’s why you both ‘choose’ to stay with such men. The downside is that such men will slowly but surely..hack away at your self esteem. And again..that is evident in both of your letters!!

    It will be interesting to see what Rori says but I’m sure she’ll suugest that you both walk away!!!….life is too short to be disrespected in the manner in which you both are. It will hurt for a while….but you’re hurting now! these men should be lucky to be with you…go find yourself men that can appreciate you, respect you and love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

    Good luck Ladies!!…….and remember some relationships have an expiry date.

    Cherie



  6. Jo on July 17, 2011 at 4:27 am

    Oh my God!!!! Both of your problems are my problems….. every word of it…. and yet i love him so much….. i think i am killing myself everyday trying to solve this dilemma. I really hope RORI can help us with this….



  7. Mistake proned on July 27, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    To whom it may concern..
    What if its not only the man in some situation.. Say, the woman in a relationship is the one to blame for making mistakes, but the man eats at every bit of the mistake and makes a huge deal tht could have been avoided in so many ways.



  8. Amanda on August 11, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    These are MODERN TIMES where us women do not have to tolerate manipulation, control, dominance and neglect from men. DUMP the creeps. Puh-leez….let’s take back our POWER as the lovely creatures we are. Believe me: men want and NEED us far more then we want and need them. I have had horrible relationships only to find it was all MY fault. I was ALLOWING the neglect from self-centered, self-oriented men. I now look back and see what a fool and chump and sucker I was over and over and over again. I’m alone now and for the FIRST time in my life (after MANY failed relationships) I feel great about who I am. I have self-esteem for the first time in my life (I’m 63…an extremely youthful 63). I feel POWER. I now have men chasing me like crazy because I don’t tolerate any nonsense any more. I reject these men now that chase after me because they are not “my type”. But, one day, I hope to have “my type” chasing after me and then, and only then, will I allow them to “catch” me. I will NEVER settle for a man who is “not my type” again or a man who is “my type” but neglects me. WOMEN: TAKE POWER OVER YOUR LIVES. I finally did…after MANY years of pain, heartache and sorrow. What a waste of my precious younger “good” years. Let’ be strong, self-worthy human beings for a change and watch men chase you…they will (hopefully they will be “your type”).Amanda



  9. Tashie on October 14, 2011 at 4:47 am

    Hey you prescious souls,

    Can’t tell the date of these comments, but I want to congratulate Amanda for her inspiring self supportive attitude and sisterly well wishing for us all.
    It’s so vital for us to nurture this kind of spirit in ourselves. Stop enabling violation of our value and self esteem.
    Let us all be each others guardian angels, remind one another in real time what we deserve and are entitled to, to be handy at the moments of truth when we make our choices.

    I am hopeful and detemind to believe that it is possible for me find my match of a soulmate when I quit compromising. I long know my qualities, my beauty, charms and heart, just that hunger makes a bad advisor.
    Hugs to you all, let’s keep at it!!
    Tashie



  10. jm on January 15, 2012 at 1:55 am

    dear rori, after 3 years my boyfriend ended our relationship(1.5 yrs. engaged) a wk before x-mas and our engagement annv. we live together and im still here, being in a financial situation I’m unable to move out at the moment. He says he was tired of always being accused of cheating. It goes back a long ways but a few months after we were engaged things changed, and of course i know hey do but i got the same feeling as i did with my ex, like a part if him wasn’t there. Our relationship hit cold and hot spots along the way. We both were the happiest we had ever been and i tried so hard to get us back there. I never truly thought he would be unfaithful but that feeling never went away.( By the way i was right about my ex he was cheating, he told me so when i asked him because i thought it was all in my mine. Theres other women he works with that have led me believe it may be possible. I know he has a narsitatic personality and im sure he plays a roll in all this,he has no empathy for my feelings or tries to sit me down and talk to me.
    I purchased ur e-book but either i did something wrong or i dont know.
    Before New Years i found a IGO phone charger in his truck he told me he didnt know where it came from and wasnt his,stuff in our closet is moved around all thetime like hes hiding a phone, he hardly touched me anymore, the i love yous stopped unless i said it first, there other little things that have happened but i just wanted to give u a picture of how things are . Now he says he knows i wont change, like a dummy o tired to convince i could but nothing has worked. I truly LOVE this man and want him back, so here i am asking is it possible to get him back and how is the best way of doing that? Please Rori send me some guaidance. I know he loves as much as l love him ,there has to be way to get him back and be the man i fell in with. I will be looking for ur response.
    Please help fast – JM



  11. mo on January 7, 2014 at 3:46 am

    thaks Amanda for the inspirations..i was in a in a 10year relationship just ended a month ago. We had our ups and downs but we still love each other. We lived with mu mum.My mother and him had an argument and he had to leave the house. now he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me he says my family doesn’t like him and there will always be problem between us due to this. I know he still loves me but he said to leave him alone. Is there any hope for us?



  12. powerfulriver on August 7, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    Actually, all you are babbling about is lack of, or being mindful. Our internal thoughts are just a neurological loop of past traumas. Women need to understand their expectations, and in so, their own ownership of the violations of their expectations. This is not a man problem. This is a you problem. Only you are in control of your emotional state, and if someone is affecting your mood, you have given your personal power away.



  13. Sarah on August 11, 2014 at 10:44 am

    powerful – welcome, and though I agree with you 100%, that it’s ALL about the “Inner” (I’m not sure I even believe there IS an “Outer…”) what I hear in your comment is a harshness that feels like judgment (self-judgment?) – in my own experience – if I’m judging others, it’s because I’m judging myself even more harshly, and somewhere hidden from my view at the moment – sort of “self-harsh.” I believe it is SO possible to “interrupt” those neurological loops you describe so well, and chart a new course through our brains….and I believe Rori Raye is in the vanguard of that movement. That she is able to distill mindfulness and other ways to change our patterns of thinking in ways that work quickly and restore power, as you say – and for women who’re not at all familiar with psychological terms or mindfulness or awareness. What you are talking about is exactly what SHE is talking about, and although, in order to interest a reader, she has catchy titles and seems to be “all about the man” at first glance – if you really read her work, she’s 100% about our insides. No strategies, no games…just palatable, doable Tools that work. Sincerely, Sarah



  14. Denise on December 30, 2014 at 8:31 am

    An unusual problem…..have not seen anything similar above. I have been seeing a very powerful, brilliant, very business focused, busy and one of a kind man on and off for about a year (both business and personal) and am extremely attracted to him. He states I am smart, sensuous and pretty and how difficult it is to meet such a woman. The red flags are there (I have researched and he is not married) which are not being included in any Holidays with him, not meeting any friends. He is always out of town (verified with business deals). He does call me frequently; yet he does not go out of his way to see me; yet when we are together it is great, both intellectually and physically. He said once he wants to do what he wants to do, when and how. I just do not know at this point how to handle this guy. I am not nor show any neediness or clingy toward this gent. He is the kind of man women would gravitate to in a heartbeat. Any help or suggestions?



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