by Susie and Otto Collins
Are you “prostituting” yourself for love and companionship?
I know that might seem like a pretty jarring question but it’s one that’s important to ask yourself even if you don’t think you’re doing it…
Most women do things on a regular basis that under close examination could be considered “prostituting” themselves.
Even if you’re in a very loving, healthy relationship, you might be doing things to “get” love that are not always healthy for you.
In my wonderfully loving relationship with Otto, when out of habit I used to agree with him so I didn’t “rock the boat” when everything in my body said “no” –I “prostituted” myself.
Not Being You Hurts Your Love
The plain truth is that our relationship suffered when I wasn’t honest with myself or with him.
When I thought that by keeping silent and ignoring “me” I was helping our relationship, what actually happened was that I was hurting it.
I was hurting it because when I would do that, a part of me closed down to my beloved and I couldn’t be the offering of love that I wanted to be.
And when this happened, we couldn’t possibly enjoy our passionate, loving, close, connected relationship to its fullest.
Of course women “prostitute” themselves with men in all sorts of ways and in various degrees.
They try to become who they truly aren’t or who they think their man wants them to be–and they end up feeling hollow and alone in the relationship – instead of getting the love they deserve.
Cultural conditioning which says this is what we as women are “supposed” to do can seep into our belief system and then into our actions without us even knowing that it’s happening.
It might be something as simple as smiling or agreeing when we feel the exact opposite–giving the wrong signals to our partner so that when the “truth” comes out, he feels blindsided.
It might mean putting up with really bad behavior or even abuse from a man for fear of being alone.
Now, I’m not saying that changing this belief and this pattern is easy but if you truly want more from a relationship or you want to create more confidence in yourself, this is a place to start.
If you’ve noticed yourself doing any thing that would even remotely be considered “prostituting” or giving yourself away, here are some ideas to help you get back to being the real YOU.
Find True Love When You Are the True You
1. Notice what’s happening in your body
Even if you’re not consciously aware when you “prostitute” yourself, your body will let you know if you listen.
If you practice tuning into your body, you’ll discover that possibly your stomach tightens or your heart area gets really heavy when you’ve said or done something that isn’t in alignment with the “true” you.
If you’re not used to tuning into your body, try this exercise…
For one morning (afternoon or evening), on the hour, practice pulling your attention into your body–away from the external world for just one moment. Notice what you feel. You might even set a timer to remind you.
Don’t worry if you don’t “feel” anything at first. Just keep practicing and you will.
Put a “sensation” or “feeling” word to what you notice– like one of these words…
heavy, light, swirling, full, empty, hollow, filled with knots, warm, radiating, hard, soft (you get the idea)
Noticing what’s going on in your body is just like learning to ride a bike. It might seem really hard at first but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
2. Don’t dismiss your feelings–Honor them
If you’ve been conditioned to give yourself away for love, even in small ways, you’ve had plenty of practice dismissing your feelings and not making them important.
I’m not saying that you should spill out every feeling that you have and create constant chaos in your life.
I am saying that if you don’t at least acknowledge your feelings to yourself, you run the risk of burying them and we all know that buried feelings always come out, usually in ways that are not healthy for your relationships.
If you get the message from your body that “this doesn’t feel right,” pay attention and take action.
It might be that you say something like this..
“I don’t have a good feeling about this. Let’s talk about it so I can understand the situation (or what you said) better.”
The idea is to interrupt your habitual pattern and choose a healthier way of communicating.
3. Listen to what your partner says and that doesn’t have to mean that you agree.
There is an art to listening and staying open and honoring yourself as well as the other person.
If you find that your words are being twisted around on you and the discussion isn’t going anywhere but downhill, you can stop the action by saying that you’d like to continue talking when you’re both open to possibilities or possible solutions.
Don’t ever accept or listen to abusive language. Stop the conversation and defensiveness by calmly saying that you’re not going to listen to those kinds of words–and then stop listening. If you’re a woman who holds back and doesn’t always say what’s on her mind.
Remember if you don’t start loving yourself, it’s very difficult for someone else to love you.
Start today being who you truly are, especially with those you love.
Much Love to you,
From Sarah: Susie and Otto address so many different issues in relationships with such clarity and wisdom. One of their books really struck home with me. The book is called “Stop Talking On Eggshells” – and as a woman who instinctively wants to walk and talk on eggshells with a man, this book is like magic for me. Go here if you want to learn – quickly – the exact way to talk to a man when there are big problems between you, in a way that can turn things around and get you both backt to falling in love–>>