by Rori Raye
Here’s a letter from Laura – a new client – She’s only had one conversation with me so far, and we’ve discovered how much of a “doormat” she’s been, how needy she feels and acts, and how she has no life but the one she’s built around her husband.
And her husband has an emotional relationship with another woman.
He’s also becoming increasingly nasty to her – almost in direct proportion to Laura’s increasingly needy and clingy “vibe” and behavior.
One of the options we’re discussing is what it would feel like to “leave” him – because the thought of leaving him and being alone is so terrifying to her it’s paralyzing her and draining her self-respect.
My goal with Laura is to raise her self-esteem and her belief in herself so she no longer feels she needs to crawl on the floor, holding onto her husband’s leg as he drags her across the floor – as she’s doing right now every single moment of her life with him.
If you can’t walk away from a man, you will forever be at his mercy. This is not about leaving, it’s about being ABLE to.
My husband has been holed up in our spare bedroom (which he uses as a sort of office) since the day before yesterday, and has not spoken to me.
I just brought him some mail and he asked me how I am.
I leaned into the dance position and said I feel lonely.
He said I should get a dog. I turned around and left.
I know you are trying to get me the emotional strength to leave him, but how do I act towards him in the meanwhile?
Should I just have left his mail for him to find?
Should I have said I feel fabulous? I don’t!!!
Thanks so much,
Laura, first – I am so PROUD of you for turning around and walking away!
Before, you might have tried to continue the discussion!
And you know what I’m going to say about how you GOT into that situation:
I feel angry with him for responding to you so coldly, and yet that is the predictable response, which you set yourself up for by Leaning Forward, over functioning and bringing his mail to him in his “hideaway” space.
I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything that’s happening here – and yet, I DO want you to take responsibility.
To feel how powerful you are to keep things going the way they always have, or to change them for yourself.
How every time you do or say anything – it has a result.
And how the results you get are the same when you continually do and say the same things you always have done and said.
I want you to see the patterns.
And change them.
Dogs bring newspapers and mail to their owners.
Is that what you want to be? A puppy dog?
If he wanted to come out and be with you, he would, and it doesn’t work at all to wonder why he’s not out of his “cave” and being with you.
Some Steps For You:
***Please go to a lawyer and find out what you need to know about separation and divorce if it comes to that.
Arm yourself with information so that you can feel calm and logical when you are making choices for yourself.
Not knowing what you need to know, and not facing what you need to face only makes you feel more awful and more scared.
***And then – work on having such a great life – no matter WHAT he does – that you no longer CARE what he does!!!
***I want you to start taking care of yourself in a PRACTICAL way!!! You need a man to take care of you. And right now – that man is YOU. Find your stalwart BOY inside you, and enlist him to help you get out in the world and love yourself better!
You should never, never, never approach him at all – and you MUST FOCUS and getting YOURSELF HAPPY no matter WHAT he’s doing.
Anything you say to him should be about you that reflects what you’re doing that’s making you happy. Share how you feel about the weather, or the book you’re reading, or the class you’re taking. Stop making everything about HIM. Just as we worked on in class.
Saying “I feel lonely” is a wonderful feeling message. But if your man has demonstrated over and over and over and over again that he doesn’t CARE that you feel lonely – then stop sharing that.
Unless he asks.
And then you’re in a conversation, which feels completely different than your walking in to his space and sharing something meaningful – pretty much knowing he won’t respond well.
Doing that is pretty much like you walking over to him, handing him a hammer and asking him to hit you over the head.
You cannot have a relationship with a man who is not participating.
At the moment – you are seeming like not a complete, whole human being – and that’s what you have to work on. He is irrelevant right now.
Basically – your need for him is not “regular” – it comes from you throwing yourself at his feet, holding onto his ankle, needing something from him. He feels this and it just feels unattractive and icky to him – And he feels so intensely GUILTY (if he is, as you say, a decent man (or was) ) – that turns into ANGER for him.
Stay away from him unless he approaches you – and focus on being happy.
From Sarah: Rori’s got such powerful relationship advice, and her Have The Relationship You Want ebook is always the first place I go when I need help. Her stuff works. She’s got simple but incredible free tools to use to strengthen your confidence, joy and self-esteem and attract the kind of man you want in your life. Check her out, get her free newsletters, and get what you want from your relationship!