by Orna and Matthew Walters
This week’s relationship question comes from Anonymous:
“Dear Orna and Matthew-
I met a man on one of the popular dating sites.
We met for coffee and he immediately told me he knew I was ‘the one’ and that there was definite chemistry and that he was going to marry me! He had also just been diagnosed with prostrate cancer and underwent surgery. We have gone out now for one month and he continuously asks me when would I like to get married.
I do have feelings for him and have grown to love him, BUT, as I’ve told him we don’t even really know each other and that only time will tell if we are meant for marriage. He says that I should be able to make a decision and know if we are right for each other.
I’m tempted to tell him I will marry him just to have him relax and stop asking about getting married. On the one hand I think his cancer scare has something to do with it, but then on the other I don’t know.
I would like to see the relationship play out but the pressure is getting to me. He also criticizes me for not being able to express myself and tell him I love him repeatedly. I have told him I love him but don’t feel the need to say so over and over.
For me, actions and not just words express the love you feel for another, am I wrong?? I’m getting more and more confused and hate to lose what could possibly be a wonderful relationship, but then again, I’m concerned that he won’t allow the relationship to progress at a slower pace and I don’t want to have it end in divorce IF we did get married. Help!”
First things first, always trust how you feel when you are with someone.
Here are a few of the feelings that you have shared in your question: love, pressured, criticized, confused, and concerned.
These are all a good indication of where you are in this relationship.
Do these sound like good feelings to have when you are considering whether you should marry someone?
Or to marry someone just so he can feel more relaxed?
You’ve probably heard us say that you should never settle.
And by this we mean never settle for anything less than your true heart’s desire.
You are concerned he won’t allow the relationship to progress at a slower pace.
If he truly wants to be with you, he will wait.
You say you hate to lose what could be a great relationship.
If he is the right man then you couldn’t lose him.
Yes, time is precious and it becomes more so when you have a potentially life threatening illness.
It is important to use our time well. Is getting married using your time well? Or is being authentic? Cherishing the time you have together?
We waited a year and a half after getting engaged before we married.
There were many reasons we did this, however it allowed us to see each other in pressure situations.
It allowed us to plan what our life together would look like.
It allowed us to share our values, our desires, and our needs in relationship.
We’re not saying that everyone needs to wait that long.
What we are saying is that all of those things are important in a successful long-term relationship – married or not.
You seem to have concerns about the situation.
It is important to have those concerns addressed. It is important to be able to talk about your needs, and for him to speak his.
Communication Is Key For Success In Any Relationship …
…and it appears from what you have shared that the two of you are not communicating clearly here.
Why is it important for him to get married quickly? Does he have a fear about waiting?
Like you said, people reveal who they are by their actions, not their words. What are his actions telling you about him? Is this who you want to be in relationship with?
Marriage is a serious commitment, and not one to be taken lightly.
To acquiesce to his needs and sacrifice your own in the process is not the way to start off a marriage.
If this man is not willing to slow things down at your request now at the beginning of the relationship, how do you think this relationship will play out in the future, when you want to take time deciding on a house to buy, or a city to live in, or where to vacation?
We understand that it can be very intoxicating to have someone say they want to marry you… especially when you have feelings for that person.
Do not mistake his desire to be with you as something you have to agree with… its entirely up to YOU to discover how you feel … and for as long as that takes you.
Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew
From Sarah: Orna and Matthew are the only couple working together coaching women on relationships getting the amazing kind of results I personally know they’re getting – you’ll LOVE their ebook-plus-audio program Get Your Mr. Right – it will turn around EVERYTHING you believed about getting the lifelong love you want and help you so fast it’s incredible – just check out Get Your Mr. Right here to get the relationship you want->