by Rori Raye
Have you ever found yourself just “Sliding” into a relationship?
Where nothing is said about where it’s going, whether or not you’re even exclusive – you just “are”?
With no one saying how they feel – though you’re dying to and wish all the time he would? Where it just kind of goes on week after week?
And in your mind you know you “should” just relax and go with it, but instead, you feel crazy, off-center and desperate to be with him?
And then it starts going downhill and everything you do seems to send him further and further away? As though he’s “Sliding” back out of the relationship, just the way he “Slid” in?
If this has ever happened to you, or if you’re going through it now, you are soooo not alone.
In fact, this is probably the way it goes for most of us.
I remember most of my relationships as sort of “projects.”
I’d meet a guy, like him, start to date him, sleep with him, fall for him, and then start imagining the rest of my life with him walking off into the sunset.
It was as though every date became a part of that picture I had in my mind.
I was almost skipping the REAL date I was on with him, the REAL TIME I was spending with him.
Instead of paying attention to what was really going on at any given moment, I was practically living in my head – in my dream about relationship and how it would be in that “dream” with HIM.
I was consumed, completely, with trying to figure out how every moment with him fit into my imaginary long term picture.
Like the man I thought I loved who had almost become a Jesuit priest years before he met me.
He was sexy, warm, delightful, kind, cute, affectionate, thoughtful, spiritual – everything I wanted in a man.
We had this chemistry between us so that everywhere we went, people commented on how lovey- dovey we were.
In my head, I was already picking out china patterns and planning the birth of my first child.
When he started to pull away, I had no idea what was happening.
I’d been so relaxed, so sweet.
Everything was going so well.
I beat myself up – what did I do that was pushing him away?
I let myself have it for allowing my relationship dream to slip out to him – I thought he’s somehow “smelled” my dream, though I hadn’t said anything about it.
I pictured him as perfect and me as flawed.
I started feeling desperate, and that just pushed him further away.
Then I got it.
It was late one night, I was feeling lost in him and with him, and then, suddenly, all the thoughts and the pain just…stopped.
It was as though a different voice was speaking to me.