dateby Christian Carter

Special Note: If you’re casually dating a man,  and it’s been a while and you still haven’t had “the talk”, you might be in for trouble when you do.

Why?

Because this is the exact moment when lots of women accidentally kill the attraction and  interest that was building, and turn a man off  from a more committed relationship.

Isn’t that crazy, by the way?

By trying to talk to a man about your  relationship, you actually end up making things worse and he withdraws.

It doesn’t have to work this way.

If you’ve found that the men you’re dating always seem to be “commitment-phobes”, then it’s time to  start considering that you also might be doing something that triggers the common male response to RUN.

The truth is, most men want relationships – but  they’re straight-out terrified of committing to  the wrong woman who they feel is going to make  life HARDER for them.

When most women end up talking about or wanting a commitment BEFORE a man does, it almost always creates negative conflict and unnecessary  heartache.

Don’t let this happen to you, when you could  avoid the trap of having your man withdraw from you.

I recently received two very  interesting questions from readers who are having trouble understanding what their man is thinking and, more importantly, what they should do about it.

If you’re dating or in a relationship with a man who  doesn’t seem to know what he wants, because he  tells you you’re “amazing” one minute but doubts your “future together” the next…

Or…

If you have a great connection with a man you  met online but you haven’t met IN PERSON yet and  you’re wondering how much to trust his “feelings” for you…

You won’t want to miss reading this  insight-filled email.

The Dating Game

>>>>Letter From A Reader

Hi Christian,

I dated a guy for exactly one year–three times during that year he ended our relationship citing  I deserved better, or more and that he just can’t  commit to anyone.

He had a terrible marriage and married her twice.  We both have children and agreed they wouldn’t be brought into this unless we felt there was a  future together. Not long after, HE introduced me  to his children–much to my surprise, then he met mine and they all met each other. Everything was so incredible.

Three weeks ago he came over and said we needed  to talk.

He told me that for the first time in his life he had glimmers of feelings for someone (me) and how amazing I am with his kids and it blows him away– how he had never had such a sense of peace in  life than when with me. He told me how great we are together, how everything we do is so amazing.

He stayed the night and in the morning, he ended our relationship–again saying I deserved more,  he didn’t think he could commit to me and that his gut feeling told him I wasn’t the one for  him!?? I have never pressured him in any way for commitment-just monogamy, which is what he wanted and was the first to bring that up when we decided to date exclusively.

I know that morning, I put him on the spot because after a year I was more than a little tired of the roller coaster ride I was on with him starting and ending things- he always ended them after we had an amazing  weekend together. I told him that morning that I had fallen in love with him, but I agreed that if he didn’t want to be with me, then it was best to  end it.

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me -he said he was on the fence. I am completely  heart broken. He has called me almost every day since. He is very flirtatious on the phone, and  we have seen each other twice. The second time he spent the night. Again, he told me how great we  are together, yet this week he has been a little more aloof.

Is there anything I can do? Ending my marriage of  10 years was a cakewalk compared to being without him. I really need to hear from you if you get the chance. Please, I am begging for your help.

– A.

>>>>>

My Response

Ok, A,

I have a couple of ideas about what’s going on here.

First, I think you made the right move when you told him that it was best to end things if he was acting like he didn’t want to be with you.

That’s because the LAST thing you want to do  when a man is acting like he doesn’t know what he wants is to try to CONVINCE him that he should want YOU.

Now, let me offer you a little bit of insight here about what your boyfriend might be thinking.

You say that he keeps telling you that you’re “amazing” over and over, but he just can’t COMMIT to you.

What this man is telling you is that he is very ATTRACTED to you, but that doesn’t  necessarily mean that he wants to have a real,  committed RELATIONSHIP with you.

Here’s where a lot of women get confused.

And I don’t blame them, actually.

Men can be confusing.

One minute you’re “amazing” and the next  minute, they’re pushing you away.

What’s up with that??!

What’s confusing to many women is the idea   that a man can be attracted to you, want to be  physical with you, and may even express some kind of “feelings” for you, but may NOT want to have a  FUTURE with you.

But that can happen. And that seems to be EXACTLY what’s going on here.

He may like spending time with you and being intimate with you, but isn’t interested in taking things further than that – for whatever reason.

Your boyfriend enjoys your company and the way you make him feel “at peace”, but he ISN’T  experiencing the kind of GUT-LEVEL attraction and the kind of feelings he needs to have in order to want to make a life-long commitment to you.

He’s probably having doubts about a long-term relationship with you.

He may be asking himself if it’s the right  time.

If you’re the right woman.

If his life would be better with you, than without you.

And then there’s the matter of him breaking it off with you, but continuing to call and wanting

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1 Comment

  1. Tammy on September 8, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Hi Christian, it has been a pleasure reading the inspirational words from a Man. I have read the book Bring Him Close, and I will be reading it again, because apparently it didnt all sink in. Disaster struck, but I feel a little more empowered this time.
    I have known my man now for a little over a year, we meet at a friends house after the death of my Father and I had plans to move to Oklahoma so my three boys and I would be closer to my Mom. It has always been an instant attraction at the sight of him. However, work got really slow for him and his Mom was starting the battle with Breast Cancer so he made a conscience choice to go to her in Kentucky. That made me admire him even more..So it was like a Spring Fling for a few weeks that was amazing, and the night that he left, neither of us could really say goodbye.
    As time got closer for me to pack up and leave, I had to have another surgery, Hysterectomy to be exact, and I inadverntely got with someone else, (we both did) [found out later] that pushed me to stay in Florida. We stayed in contact from the beginning of May til his Birthday at the end of June. We both had moved on, but I thought about him and even spoke of him more than I realized. According to his sister me and the kids were all he talked about as well.. Until much to my surprise, my son came home and told me He was back, my heart left my body, I felt guilt, panic,like I had betrayed something that I hadn’t. actually had. In late September of last year, opportunity arose, I saw his truck at the store and went back. Needless to say by December me and the other guy had split, and I even tried so hard to stay away from the end of my road. Thats the kicker.. 5 houses apart..
    As months went by, struggling to find another job, just being completly miserable but always laughing and smiling, we started getting really close. Ive met his sisters, talked to his dad thru emails, spoke with his mom on the phone prior to hsi departure, then his best friend came back from working out of town, and you could see the tornness. We got thru under the bus, and had our relationship or whatever you want to call it torn to pieces, we split for a few weeks, and slowly worked our way back in again.
    He had told me of his wife contacting him after 12 years and they were discussing divorce, to me finally being able to contribute financially to be able to play again, and I started noticing it wasnt quite right when he had a week of no bills and me struggling he didnt spend as much time here.
    I did question alot of things that started happening on his Facebook, and since the wife and step daughter had become friends his account demonstrated another tail for me, I could no longer see any news feed, basically blocked or customized plus it said he was single. So I unfriended him, waited a few days and hit him with a loaded question, which fell into my gut feeling, something wasnt right, what are you hiding. The answer that he gave me told me when he had been on there, but why lie? His response was it had been like that for a while (over a month) and that he hadnt even been on there for about two weeks!! Well my friend then how in the hell do you know? When I unfriended you 3 days ago!! This got the ball rolling on a Friday Night, Saturday Night he gave me the password, not being in a good frame of mind and finding 2 pages of questions about the wife, hiden photos of alot of his friends, and even ones of my youngest child, but nothing of me. I was twisted…Angry…Bitter…Hurt..Confused..then decided that we needed to talk..
    Once again I was approached with, hes not ready for a committed relaionship, this isnt what he wants, we were two consenting adults.. Although he has known the entire time what I wanted and how I felt about him, relationship, developing to the next level. So the fangs come out even more when I was encountering the probablility of all my friends, even exs where telling me, ITS JUST SEX FOR HIM.. So we ended it, and neither of us know if it was the right decision.
    We have taken on a few storms together and came out beside each other laughing, but I have trust and abondonment issues that was not a factor before that has risen up and looking me dead in the face now. Its breaking me down and I manage to have an excuse to call or text, and then kick myself in the butt for it..
    Help me with this, and somehow, someway, I will manage to find the money to purchase your programs, they do have alot of beneficial information..

    God Bless
    Tamalina Carter



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