by Carol Allen
Have you ever experienced love at first sight?
You know, you were at a party talking to some friends, having a good time, listening to music when suddenly you looked up and saw HIM.
And it was just like in the movies – your eyes met and to your amazement, your heart skipped a beat, your breath caught in your chest, and your knees got all wobbly.
Suddenly it was like everything around you melted away – the room faded into the back- ground, the music got quiet, and no one else was in the party anymore but HIM.
Make that, no one else was in the WHOLE WORLD anymore – but him.
Has this feeling ever misled you?
I mean, if we were to cut to six weeks later after the party, did it turn out that the guy was just a big bummer?
He didn’t call when he said, turned out to have a girlfriend (or several), sweet- talked you and then disappeared, ended up being a big drinker, or fill-in-the-blank?
Sadly, I get letters like this all the time.
Here’s a letter from a reader that I HOPE you can’t relate to:
* * * * * * * * *
I had been chatting with this guy for a week, we met and ended up having sex. He promised to come one day and broke his promise. I called only to find that he was babysitting. I didn’t know he had a baby. After that I felt a slight disconnection between us but still the chatting went on. I never confronted him about the baby.
He seems difficult, unpredictable, detached emotionally and physically. Sometimes he disappears for three months but comes back like normal. He doesn’t call often.
This usually happens with most of the men in my life. Is it me or them? Am I not mature enough to handle relationships?
Please advise. I am confused.
Sally (not her real name…)
* * * * * * * * * *
Sally included their birthdays in this letter, but I deleted them to protect her anonymity.
And because this is an example where it doesn’t matter what their birthdays are.
Sally got involved with this man before she knew if he was a good man.
And from her description of him – “difficult, unpredictable, detached emotionally and physically…
doesn’t call often” – he’s not emotionally available, and is not treating her well.
So – to answer her question, she’s not making mature, healthy choices in men.
She’s not taking the time to find out if they are responsible, available, or kind and considerate enough to be worth her time and attention.
The rules she’s accepted with him are that he can just come and go with no obligation to her whatsoever, and she’ll be there for him.
Which he’s taken FULL advantage of…
Somewhere along the way, Sally got afraid of asking anything of a man, and wrongly thinks that if she makes any demands on a man he won’t like her.
But the truth is, when we accept bad treatment and put a man’s needs before our own, they don’t respect us, and don’t want us anyway.
So – Sally – slow down, get to know men before getting so close to them (and find out things like if they have children or wives you may not be aware of!), and only accept the ones that treat you well.
Please stop “chatting” with this guy, sleeping with him, or spending any time with him.
You can have more than this, but until you believe it and hold out for more, you likely won’t.
Okay, that was enough to make me take a cookie break.
You may want to go get some now as well, ’cause this next letter is just as fun…
* * * * * * * * * *
I have been seeing a man that I met online for about two months, who by the way has presented me with a dozen roses each time we were together. We have seen each other regularly each week. He has initiated our contacts. I felt that we had a high level of compatibility when much to my surprise he lowered the boom, so to speak, the last time we were together.
He said he was not interested in falling in love or spending a lot of time with some- one. He said he sensed that I wanted more (this really threw me, because I was aware he was a man who needed a lot of space and acted accordingly). He said he was not presently seeing anyone else but me and that he hoped we could remain friends for a long time. My understanding was that he wanted a friendship with benefits. He said his interest in me was not just for sex, that he sincerely liked me a lot (to me, this sounded as though he were talking from “both sides of his mouth.”) He then proceeded to suggest a time to get together.
I care for this man and really don’t want to end our relationship; however, I feel that it would be “settling” to accept his crumbs, by that I mean an indefinite friendship (with benefits).
Thank you for any advice you feel would be helpful.
* * * * * * * * * *
Okay, did you catch that?
This guy is unbelievable…
He’s brought her a DOZEN ROSES every time she’s seen him over the last two months.
But out of nowhere he tells her he isn’t interested in having a full relationship, but that he senses she IS.
Wow – I’m sorry, but I would have been HUGELY offended by that.
Unless he works in a flower shop and gets all the roses he wants for free, he’s been in FULL COURTING mode.
So she’s been responding well, and he’s decided FOR HER what that means.
What a presumptuous schmuck.
(Can you tell I’m getting grumpy here?)
But now, after who knows how many roses he’s showered her with, he informs her that he just wants a “no strings arrangement.”
Okay, Sheri – here’s what I think.
You have a good sense of the situation.
You don’t want to “accept his crumbs.”
In other words, you don’t want a “no strings arrangement” with him.
Many women don’t mind casual relationships, especially at certain times in their lives.
(Many women, like “Sally” above, accept these kinds of arrangements thinking they’ll LEAD to more, thinking the man will realize how much he loves her once she’s knocked herself out to please him, but they usually don’t…)
But that’s not what it sounds like would work for you.
So – don’t do it.
Don’t keep being his “friends with benefits.”
I like that he’s being honest.
But he’s not offering you much.
You don’t want to “end your relationship” but you’re not in one.
He called you a FRIEND.
I bet you already have friends.
Go spend your time with them, and let Mr. Mixed Messages go get some “benefits” elsewhere.
I’m happy to say that Sheri did NOT ask me to look at their birth data. As in the letter above, it doesn’t matter when this guy’s birthday is.
This is not a problem of compatibility.
He’s telling her he doesn’t want a relationship.
(Note: Always believe a man when he says this kind of thing. PLEASE don’t think you’ll be able to “change his mind.” Why work that hard?)
So it doesn’t matter if they’re compatible or not.
Now, this last letter MAY be a problem of compatibility.
See if you can see the difference…
* * * * * * * * * *
We have been together 3 years. He works a lot and he was studying for 2 years which is when things went wrong as we had a lack of time together and he was always in a bad mood which gets me down.
He stopped studying and now he has thrown himself into his work instead to get ahead.
I also started getting fed up with the lack of affection I was receiving from him. When I mention it to him, he would do something about it for a while and then go back to his usual ways. Then I would bring it up again when nothing changed. Just have been going around in circles.
He has been saying to me to leave it alone and if we stop talking about the same things it would all improve and he will look at me positively again, but I try to do it and I can’t.
Now we just have distance and have almost broken up a few times. We both want to be with each other but we have created a monster.
* * * * * * * * *
Even though you just read the letter, I’m gonna do a quick recap…
It sounds like Kelly was happy with this guy for the first year. But for the last two she’s been emotionally starving with him, and he’s not really “getting it.”
She’s not getting enough time or affection with him, and when she does see him he’s in a bad mood.
And when she tells him how she feels, he tells her he can’t see her “positively” until she stops complaining.
So, here’s the bad news, Kelly.
A man will only give you what he will give you.
If what he’s giving is not enough for you – he’s the wrong man.
You actually can’t ask for more of anything.
The time, attention, affection, money, and sex a man naturally is inclined to give you is ALL HE’S GOING TO GIVE YOU.
As you’ve seen, asking for more doesn’t work…
You have asked and asked for more, but he’s not able to make adjustments to please you for long.
I think the truth is that you have incompatible needs and wants.
And it’s no one’s fault.
Three years is a long time. You’re obviously very attached. But you’re at a “make or break” juncture in your relationship.
Because you’ve invested so much time and effort, you owe it to yourself to try one last thing.
Here’s what I would do:
Stop ALL complaining.
TRY to do what he’s asking (even though you said you can’t).
Focus on YOURSELF.
Get involved in things that make you happy and that make time fly.
Quit waiting around for him.
When you do see him, acknowledge how hard he’s been working, and give him lots of “atta boys”
for how responsible he is.
Tell him you’re proud of him, and that you respect his efforts.
And then let him show you how much time and attention he will give you when you’ve done as he asked.
Appreciate everything he does for you.
And sit back and see what he does.
And then GET HONEST with yourself.
If it’s STILL not enough, it never will be.
As you saw, as soon as he finished school he threw himself into work.
It will always be something.
You shouldn’t have to CONVINCE a man to invest more of himself into a relationship with you.
And, as I’ve already said, you can’t.
And, when you do tell a man how you feel, he should be able to reassure you and make you feel better.
But this guy makes everything your fault…
This may be a good man, but he’s not necessarily a good man for YOU.
If, like Kelly, you’d like to know if a man can be a good man for you it IS worth finding out if you’re compatible or not, because if you’re not, then you’ll suffer from endlessly having to work too hard.
(But if he’s not treating you well, then it doesn’t matter – as I think I’ve made clear…)
You can discover this from an amazing fifteen- step compatibility technique from Vedic astrology, the system of ancient India.
It shows if a man can make you feel LOVED, understand your feelings (and not BELITTLE them), and comfort you.
It’s all in the stars…
So find out and save yourself some time, heartache, and confusion…And may God and his planets and stars shower you with love!
From Sarah: Carol has great help for you – and not just about Astrology – she’s a fabulous relationship coach with a huge following and so many success stories – her letters and reports are amazing –Go right here to get her free newsletters->