If you’ve been attracting seemingly the wrong man time after time – here is something I really, really want you to consider deeply:
Even though each one appears to be very different from the last bad relationship and even more different from your father and/or mother, why does it never seem to work out. Even that “perfect” man said something, did something that was just unacceptable.
One part of this is that you may be attracted to the same kind of man repeatedly, the true import of which is only revealed after some time because he SEEMS SO unlike the last “loser”.
Most annoyingly, something inside of you recognizes that something familiar in the wrong man, and even if this familiar feels horrible, it’s still familiar and there is great comfort in the familiar, the known, a sense of safety even if it’s unsafe. And this is because you’ve been down this road before, or one very much like it, so in an odd way, it feels like coming home. So here you are again, heartbroken, maybe angry, at him, yourself…
This has come up before in my articles, probably more than once. But this isn’t what I’m here for today.
We ALL want to love and be loved. That’s one of the reasons you’re here. BUT for many if us, deep down inside (and maybe more especially if you’ve never experienced love before, not from a lover and not from your parents) and this could be very deeply ingrained, the fear of actually allowing someone into your heart is SO great, greater even than being alone forever.
This is all running unconsciously of course, BUT IT IS running you.
Are You Making Him the Wrong Man?
Ask yourself this. Have you been in relationship after relationship, and things are going really well, and then you “blow it”. Or so you think. You yell for little or no reason. You make a scene about some inconsequential thing. Or you pick on him for stupid things. He forgot this. He didn’t take care of that. Or suddenly his habit of leaving his underwear on the floor makes you nuts. Or the way he chews his food or some other silly thing. Or he failed you in some way, which by the way you really just created in your head.
And you find these things happening more and more until either you can’t stand him anymore, or you push him away.
Have you ever considered if this is because you’re terrified? Scared to death of really having the love you want? For the thought of fully opening your heart in this way, making yourself this vulnerable and then having it taken away for whatever reason is devastating, annihilating even. Your deepest self is petrified of this. If this were to transpire, you are very sure you would not survive.
So maybe it’s better after all to feel the pain of lack and unfulfillment. In fact your unconscious, deeply wounded self is convinced of this.
And here you are, your conscious self in despair and sad and yearning for the love of your life, your own “the one”.
Take a really hard look at this. When things get too close, too heated, are you maybe starting to put walls back up if they were even down all that much to begin with? Something in the form of what I described above? Do you go back on the defensive? Or on the offensive in order to defend yourself.
It’s Hard to Let Go of the Wrong Man
If you have the courage to see that this may very well be you, even when you become aware of this pattern within yourself, breaking through to this very deep part of yourself to reprogram what has likely been in place most of your life is not an easy task. Those defenses are resilient.
I remember so well every time I broke through and peeled back a layer, the same fear would arise, the same thoughts, and since K was a part of this, that scared, wounded piece of me thought and felt that a piece of him must be the wrong man, must be evil. If this trigger made me feel SO bad, and he was a part of this trigger, then he must be bad too.
(By the way, even though it’s not the same thing coming up to be healed for you each time you peel back your own layers, often if not always the same trigger that started you on this journey will arise in your thoughts. So you’re not slipping backwards per se, you ARE moving forward though sometimes you step sideways or trip and fall, yet you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off, clean up your booboos if necessary, and keep going.)
So my old instinctive yet on-the-the-defensive self linked pain with K. Pain feels bad. K must also be a bad man. How convenient for my deep wounded self NOT to let the walls down, NOT to let him in.
Even though in EVERY way aside from the former porn looking that hurt me, he WAS A GEM. He always treated me as his precious gift. This trigger truly was not interfering with his feelings for me nor his attention to me.
Yet my wounded self kept putting the two together, and DANGER signals would arise. Even though layers were slowly being peeled away, my guard was still up and my heart was not open very much at all and certainly not very much to him.
It took a very long time to separate these things, tease them apart. And even after all of this time, I can’t honestly say my heart is completely open to him, not yet. It’s open far more than it’s ever been since probably I was born though, ENORMOUS progress, yet there still can be hesitation.
So my journey continues.
Does any of this resonate with you? Maybe a tiny bit. Please don’t be too hasty in dismissing this concept. There may be more of this going on inside than you could ever have imagined. It was a huge eye opener for me, and maybe it will be for you too.
I would love to hear what you come up with and if I can help.
Dominique’s got loads of incredible free advice for you and your relationship. Check her out if your ready to move on from choosing the wrong man.