A male friend of mine just told me how his wife is always talking about how difficult it is for us women to find a balance between “I’m afraid of looking weak” and “I’m afraid of looking ‘bitchy,’” and I just SO identified.
And the thing is – this problem strikes us no matter WHERE we actually ARE on our own scale of “success” in life and in love.
If we have a great boyfriend, but we want MORE – to be married – we feel afraid of being a weak “doormat” and just going along with whatever he wants, or of being a demanding “bitch” who “calls him out” on his fear of commitment and tells him how we want the relationship to go.
How to solve this? First I’ll share what works for me:
When I find myself getting all worked up over details, “what happened,” “who said what,” and reliving things over and over again, I notice I tend to go to extremes.
It’s as though I get really sensitive when I get really SMALL.
And…most things that have happened in the past, things that we have to think about in the future, things we have to deal with right NOW…are often really SMALL. Getting them right or wrong might help or damage my self-confidence, depending on how much importance I put on the “thing” – but in the scheme of a whole relationship, most things really are SMALL.
Even the big presentation at work, where you’re sweating and nervous, isn’t usually a “make-it or break it” situation – but THINKING it is can MAKE it HUGE. The “big” date with a man we really like will NOT “make or break” the relationship – but the PRESSURE we put on ourselves about it actually CAN affect how we feel and how we act, and so it CAN affect how the relationship goes.
I’ll write much more about this doormat/bitch problem, but for now, do this about the SMALL stuff (no matter how big it feels to you):
The next time your man calls, or comes over to relax, or takes you out:
1. Pretend he’s the nerdy guy you barely remember from high school who was totally clueless, totally almost invisible to you, and totally not worth your time to think about. When you get that feeling into your body…
2. Get your sense of humor back – think about something you or he did that was really silly, instead of imagining him as your knight in shining armor and the man of your dreams, think of him as a furry animal that straggled into your life who needs YOU to survive…
3. Tell yourself that the situation is SMALL and then…
4. Get a BIGGER picture – imagine yourself in a BRILLIANT relationship, strolling through life as easy as can be, as happy as can be, maybe while you’re saving a piece of the world at the same time? One-handed?
In her books, CDs, DVDs and seminars, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own, now-glorious two-decades-long marriage around. I’m a trained relationship coach, a former crisis counselor, and through my eBook, programs and newsletter, I’ve helped thousands of women succeed in love by teaching them the Tools I’ve created and developed with my clients – Tools that work quickly and effortlessly to change a struggling love life into Happy Ever After.
If you’re not familiar with Rori’s work, please do yourself a favor and get her book “Have The Relationship You Want.” It will shift everything, almost overnight.