by Rori Raye
Have you ever been with a man, everything’s going great, you’re feeling “loved” by him, and your heart is just jumping out of your chest with love for him, only to have him start using your shoulder not to caress and kiss, but to cry on?
Where he calls so often, and wants to see you so much you just can’t understand why he refers to you as a “friend”?
And he can’t seem to do without you, but can’t commit to you, either?
And you’re starting to notice that the way he looks at other women who pass by, or the way he talks about his “ex” is completely different than the way he looks at you and talks about you?
If this has ever happened to you, or is happening now, and you feel like a wonderful “stepping stone” for a man you’ve been with – where after your relationship with him is over, he marries someone else right away – you’re not alone. This has happened to every one of us at one time or another, because after every relationship that didn’t work out, both you and the man went on to other “relationships.”
But just because it’s happened to most of us doesn’t make it feel any better.
It feels lousy. It makes you feel completely unattractive, unsexy, undesirable, and lost. It makes you feel like you don’t know HOW to do a relationship.
It always made me feel awkward, gawky, stupid, clueless about men, and hopeless.
Until I finally, at about six months before I met the wonderful man who is now my wonderful husband, “got” that it wasn’t my fault! I wasn’t being a “stepping stone” for men because there was something “wrong with me,” I was being stepped on and stepped over because that’s ALL I COULD HANDLE!
I THOUGHT I was being very “brave.” I thought I was going to turn a man who was still hung up on his ex, seriously commitment-challenged, financially unstable, emotionally unhappy with his life, or even possibly gay for heaven’s sake, into MY MAN.
I was going for the ultimate accomplishment – getting an “impossible to get” man. I was stuck in something I finally noticed was a part of my whole approach to a lot of my life – I was an OBSTACLE JUMPER. I was almost ADDICTED to the thrill of finding a huge challenge and either jumping over it, or plowing through it.
In terms of men, the thrill was in thinking I could make an “unavailable man” want me.
I was so afraid, and on such a deep level, to actually HAVE a wonderful man close and intimate, I used all my energy to cover up that fear by PURSUING men who were either not interested in a serious relationship with ANY woman, or perhaps just simply not INTO me in a serious way.
Looking back, it was sort of arrogant. Did I think I was so special that a cold, unresponsive, unavailable man would “change” completely because of me? Or that if a man wasn’t initially attracted to me, I SHOULD be able to CHANGE MYSELF enough that he WOULD be attracted to me? Was it my high-school fantasy I was chasing?
For a long time, that’s what I thought, and so I beat myself up about it regularly. Now I know different.
Now I know that I just couldn’t handle closeness and intimacy.
I THOUGHT I could.
I FELT so romantic.
It was like the ancient myth of Sisyphus. The story goes that Sisyphus was forced to spend his life in exile, with the unending job of pushing a huge boulder up the side of a hill, only to watch it roll back down to the bottom at the end of every day.
In the morning, he would have to start all over. And there’d never, ever be ANYTHING to show for his efforts.
That was me. Trying to push the rock of a relationship uphill, only to watch it roll back down again. And then blaming myself for letting it roll back.
When I discovered, through my own trial-and-error, how to get out of the relationship pit and the self-blame I was in, everything changed. I was able to quickly get myself into the love life I really wanted, and I know these Tools will help you, too.
Instead of making everything your fault – IT ISN’T! – you can get real self-esteem and confidence that will ATTRACT your man closer in an amazing and incredibly fast way.
While I was blaming myself, I completely ignored the reality that I was pushing a man, just like a huge rock, up the hill of Relationship.
It was clear that I didn’t TRUST him to go up the hill with me, or, even better, to LEAD me up that hill. As if I KNEW he didn’t want to go there, and couldn’t (just because of who he was and what he was like inside) go there – even if he’d WANTED to. I ignored the fact that I was CHOOSING wrong, not BEING wrong.
There was nothing wrong with me (I was wonderful – and so are you!), I just didn’t realize I actually had POWER over my love life. And so I carried that wrong choosing into all of my life, until I finally realized what I was doing and started allowing AVAILABLE men to pursue me.
And that’s when I discovered my own fears – of intimacy and closeness and real commitment.
And that’s when I started working on it, bit by bit, date by date, man by man, until I met my husband and allowed him to get close enough to touch my heart. (And, if you’ve read my book, you know the whole story about my pushing him away after we were married and then learning how to let him come close again.)
***Here’s a letter from Faith, who’s struggling with all these same issues:
“Dear Rori, Thanks for caring. I am Faith. My previous on and off relationship of 1 yr 3 mo. is with Sam. We are both 44 and have a “kindred” type of relationship.
I’m very Spiritual and optimistic, he is slightly introverted and doubtful about most everything in life. We started our relationship and he was floored with the Friendship, Emotion, Comradeship, & Sex we have. His kids, family, and ex-wife love me. But he seems to set me aside (as a 180 change) for “the next best thing”. This has occurred twice. He will “drink and text” or email things like “Damn you, get out of my mind.” Not in an angry manner. He (so much like previous relationships) constantly treats me as if I am someone he’s “supposed to resist,” while telling me I’m someone so amazing.
He asks me to be patient. Meanwhile, he says he must be “sure of himself” (as we all should). He’s taken up, yet again, with someone who “may” be a nice person, but I’m feeling his options are more shallow. She has her own franchise, owns her waterfront home free and clear through the death of a spouse, nice car, etc. Someone of security with assets.
He tells me that his thoughts always come back to me… (just like basically in all my other relationships). I have never been anything but patient because I am in no hurry but would definitely commit to him as I feel we are amazing together. I have found that whenever he’s wanted, I’ve been available because I don’t want to pass up an opportunity to be with him and for him to witness what we are together. Surprisingly, I am very at ease with him though it’s been tumultuous.
My quick history with the past 3 men I’ve been with: Their words,”They love me, I’m an amazing woman, best sex they have ever had and it feels so spiritual in process”. They think I’m pretty, intelligent and funny. I NEED to break this habit I seem to be creating. I feel I am acting as their next stepping stone as they happily advance and I’m pretty much still on my own.
I’ve just ordered your CDs about mending or reviving a previous relationship. Until I receive them and do a marathon of listening to them, I am not sure what to do. I’m not sure if I should initiate some form of contact. I’ve basically been laying low and just doing nothing though I know that he’s seeing this other woman.
I want him to be happy but I believe that happiness can be with me. I want happiness as well but I’m tired of this rollercoaster. Graciously, Faith”
***First, Faith sounds wonderful. Smart, calm, good-hearted. Now she need one more piece to turn this around. If men are using her as a “stepping stone” then Faith is coming off as a “friend,” as opposed to a woman they’ll FALL IN LOVE with.
The key to this is Boundaries. NOT UNDERSTANDING and PATIENCE, but putting HERSELF FIRST.
Yes, I’m talking a little prima donna here.
Seems to me Faith could go way in that direction before actually even looking a little bit like a diva.
And now I’m going to ask the million dollar question: Why is Faith giving so much of her energy, her thoughts, her time and her heart to this man?
And if you’re experiencing some of the same issues as Faith, perhaps over and over again, ask yourself: Why am I giving so much of MY energy, my thoughts, my time and my heart to ANY man? Is HE DESERVING of all your wonderfulness because he’s giving YOU so much more of HIS energy, thoughts, time and heart?
Because YOU loving HIM isn’t a good enough reason. He has to love YOU. And he has to ACT LIKE HE LOVES YOU. He has to actively DEMONSTRATE that he loves you. He has to be giving to you, wanting to be with you, offering you HIS energy, thoughts, time and heart.
If he isn’t, then you have to be brave.
You have to tell yourself you’re very brave -because you ARE – and then do these things I’m going to share with you here. Even if it’s scary, you have to do them: First, you have to be brave and LOOK AT – and really SEE – exactly where you’re at with him.
Think of yourself as FEARLESS.
Fearless isn’t being WITHOUT fear, because w’re ALL TERRIFIED of all the same things. Fearless means being brave and going ahead, little baby step by little baby step, even if you’re FEELING fear. And If I could do it, you can do it. At first it feels weird, but then you’ll get used to it. In fact, instead of feeling frightened about the same old things – you’ll start to feel EMPOWERED!
And if you’re in a situation like Faith is, and you look fearlessly at where you are with this man, you’ll see that you’re square in an Imaginary Relationship.
If a man is seeing other women, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP.
You are “Dating” him.
And the second important thing to really see -and it might shake up the way you think about love and relationships, but it’s really true – is that there’s NOTHING WRONG with “Dating” him!
In fact, it could be a VERY GOOD thing for you right now.
How can it be a Good Thing?
For Faith, it could give her the time she needs to get a FIRST-CLASS GODDESS view of HERSELF, instead of falling in line with this man’s SECOND-CLASS “Good Woman” view of her.
It could give her time to practice Tools that will change his image of her as a “friend with benefits,” which seems to be where he’s got her placed in his heart right now.
It could give her time to see if, perhaps, the most important (and very unromantic) thing to this particular man is being with a financially independent, or even independently “wealthy” woman.
Perhaps he doesn’t truly care, in his heart, for ANYONE.
Perhaps he’s not capable.
Perhaps he’s actually UNAVAILABLE in an emotional sense.
Perhaps Faith, like I did, chooses, over and over and over again, men who are NOT available to her, and so USE HER as a “stepping stone.”
In order to stop this pattern of being the “girl he’s with just before he meets his ONE for life” with man after man, Faith has to stop BEING a Stepping Stone.
So what are the qualities of a human stepping stone? What would stepping-stone-ness look like for you?
One, a “stepping stone” is always “understanding,” even if it means you’re being “understanding” about why he’s TREATING you as a Second-Class but “Good Woman” – a Stepping Stone.
Two, a stepping stone puts out energy, in any and all ways, towards a man who is not reaching out to YOU.
Three, a stepping stone considers a man who is in the process of “Dating” to be anything other than a “Date” for YOU.
And four, spending ANY of your thoughts and your heart, as Faith is doing, trying to figure him out, or even CARING about what he does or thinks or feels when he’s not with you and caring and thinking and feeling about YOU, is “stepping stone” thinking.
(You can see how Faith is getting herself into this bind when she talks about this other woman, and analyzes her man’s choice to be with her as “shallow.” A woman who believes, or even just tells herself that she’s a First-Class Goddess wouldn’t even give this man’s situation or mental state her time of day.)
To solve all of these issues, Faith’s answer is to BRIDGE – to Love Herself Best and Focus On Herself First – and the best and fastest way to do that right this minute is to practice with as many men as possible by DATING.
And if you’re finding yourself in Faith’s situation, where men turn you into “friends” and then quickly meet another woman, fall in love with her and marry her in record time, you must Bridge – and DATE – too.
I’m serious. I mean get yourself online at Match.com, call all your friends and ask them to fix you up, go to speed dating events – if you can afford it sign up for “It’s Just Lunch” in your city, or even a matchmaker.
Once you get out there and start practicing my Tools – all of them – on every man you meet, and date, and start to see how the energy exchange goes back and forth – you’ll see what’s holding you back.
And you’ll also see what you can HAVE!
Bridging is not about searching for Mr. Right.
It’s about practicing the Rori Raye Tools on men, and WITH men.
It’s about learning about yourself, and discovering how strong inside you really are and how good you can really FEEL.
How powerful and Goddessey you really are – and FEELING it!
It’s about thinking of yourself as First-Class and REQUIRING – as Qualification #1 to giving ANY energy, thought, time or heart to any man – that HE TREAT YOU AS FIRST-CLASS.
We’ll talk more in another eLetter about how low self-esteem plays into all this and how you can raise your feelings about yourself quickly, but for now, focus on what it would feel like to believe you are a First-Class Goddess, and to require First-Class Goddess Treatment by a man.
Here’s what First-Class Goddess – YOU – looks like:
1. Even if he’s dating other women, he doesn’t use you as a “friend” to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on while he’s working things out for himself – and he won’t do this because YOU WON’T ALLOW IT.
2. He calls you in advance for dates, checks in on you often, asks you how you FEEL before he makes a serious decision, but is able to make decisions without asking you what he should be doing.
3. He doesn’t just “talk” about his feelings for you – he actually DOES things that move the relationship forward.
4. In a REAL relationship, the man GIVES, and the woman GIVES BACK.
If he’s not giving, there’s nothing to give back.
A woman who believes in her First-Class Goddess status – that’s YOU – will never GIVE to a man in the HOPE that HE’LL GIVE BACK.
It just doesn’t work that way.
So, hang onto yourself.
Put on your Goddess Tiara. (A necklace or bracelet you love will do nicely.)
Then get out there.
Experiment with Bridging, dating and flirting, stop worrying about or even thinking about how you can better “understand” any man’s mental and emotional state, and start FOCUSING your LOVE on YOU.
I know firsthand how scary it is to turn your back on men who are not available, either logistically or emotionally, and instead, OPEN YOUR HEART to men who ARE available.
And I know that it’s even scarier to open your heart to an available man who truly WANTS YOU.
I also know you can turn this around, and fast.
If I was able to get over my fears about real intimacy by learning to love myself in the presence of men – by dating them, working with them, and talking with them in new ways, and without any help at all. I know that, with just my Tools, you can, too.
I so look forward to hearing about your every good result, no matter how small – the little ones will grow into huge ones faster than you can imagine – so let me know how these Tools are helping you.
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From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters