by Orna and Matthew Walters
Here’s a question from Donna, who’s trying to figure out what to do next in her relationship:
“Orna and Matthew, I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 6 yrs. We have a 2 yr old son. Just last year we purchased a house together, and I have recently found myself falling out of love. Maybe, don’t really know. I have found myself having interest in other men, not being intimate with my boyfriend unless he makes me feel so bad about it I put out, I don’t care to hear how his day went and I try to pretend to listen when he tells me stories. I think I began to feel this way after so long of him telling me he will never marry me when we fight.
Marriage is what I am looking for. On the other hand, I feel sad thinking about leaving him and not having him in my life. In the past we have broke up and I left to stay at my moms, only to last a weekend; he went out and got hickeys on his neck and drunk all weekend. I don’t trust him.
From what I read this may be because I find myself flirting with other men. So what would be stopping him from doing the same. I work 3rd shift so I barely see him and when I try to communicate with him he doesn’t reply or answer my calls. He claims he is sleeping. I leave for work at 5pm and get home at 8am. That just seems fishy to me that he sleeps and then wakes for an hour and then goes back to bed. He calls me before he goes to bed around 11pm. So what’s he doing from 5p-11p???? Can you give me your opinion on what would be best for me to do. Is it a phase will these feeling go away. I love him but I don’t think I’m in love with him. Thank you, Donna”
Our Answer For Your Relationship:
There are several issues to deal with in your relationship. We’ll approach these in order of importance.
First you need to decide if you want to continue this relationship.
In order to do that it is crucial that you determine whether or not the two of you want the same thing.
Create a vision of your life in the future and write down what is important to you about that life.
This vision should be one that makes you feel happy and excited to create it.
Ask him to do the same thing.
Then compare your lists to see if you want the same things.
Having a common goal is the glue that keeps any relationship together.
Attraction is helpful, as is having common interests, but over time attraction will shift and interests will change. The common is goal is something you can both work toward having together so it is important to update it on a regular basis. It doesn’t have to be complicated, and is best if it is something very specific and something that you both truly desire.
Next – If you find that the two of you are in alignment, then you need to work on developing trust and communication.
It starts with focusing on your feelings and desires and staying out of blame.
Communicating authentically what you are feeling and asking for what you need is important to stay out of resentment. How he responds will tell you a lot about whether or not he is capable of meeting you authentically.
It appears that there is a lot of resentment and anger on your part and unless you communicate those feelings then you will be unable to rekindle your love for him. Eventually those feelings will build up inside and you will either blow up at him or do something you will regret later. Make sure to focus on “I” statements and not “you” statements when you discuss your feelings with him. He is probably unaware of how you feel and therefore may believe that his behavior is acceptable to you.
You also might want to revisit what first attracted you to him.
Are those qualities still present? Sharing this with him will remind the both of you of what originally brought the two of you together. It can also help rekindle some of the lost intimacy.
Keep in mind that a marriage is not a guarantee, and many married people “fall out of love” exactly as you state here. A relationship with trust, communication and intimacy seems to be what you truly desire, so our suggestions are here to support you in creating these things in your current relationship.
If, in the end, you discover that you cannot work out your differences, then it is important that you take care of yourself and your needs.
Just because the two of you have a child and have purchased a home together doesn’t mean that you have to stay together.
An unhappy relationship is not a good environment to raise a child in. And homes can be sold.
If this isn’t the relationship you truly desire, then don’t settle for superficial reasons. The both of you deserve to be happy and have the relationship you desire.
From Sarah: Orna and Matthew are the real deal – an honest-to-goodness couple that met when they had both practically given up on ever meeting anyone they could love. They’re a great and unique coaching team who will help you get what THEY have – you’ll want to check out their fantastic program “Get Your Mr. Right” and get totally personal, totally “magic bullet” ideas, tools to get you the relationship you want->