by Virginia Feingold Clark
Here’s a letter from Martha, and I hope it helps you in your situation – to learn: Is He Worth It?
“My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. The first 6 months or so of our relationship were spent apart. He was in the navy and stationed overseas, and I was going to school in California. We spoke on the phone at least once every day except when he was underway, and I trusted him. He’s been back for a while now and I’ve just discovered that when in Japan, he had a relationship with another woman. They supposedly hung out in a group on a regular basis and one night at a club they both were heavily intoxicated and preceded to have a make-out session on a couch.
His friends broke it up and reminded him that he had a serious girlfriend.
He’s promised me on multiple occasions that he’s never cheated on me, and when I confronted him he told me, “it wasn’t cheating, I was drunk, so it doesn’t count,” which quite frankly I think it bullshit. In addition to this, the woman was married and claimed to have feelings for him that he told me he was beginning to reciprocate (which he’s denied saying since) and he continued to pursue her on a regular basis, asking to take her out to dinner or lunch. She eventually told him they couldn’t speak anymore as she was trying to work things out with her husband. My boyfriend is notorious for lying about important things, like the number of women he’s slept with or that he’s quit smoking, and I can’t move past this newest lie. Not only did he cheat on me, but he lied about it more than once and tried to play it off like it was just a mistake and I can’t believe him anymore.
I think there was more to the relationship than he claims. I don’t know what to do in this situation. This is my first serious relationship and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or where to go from here. I know that he feels awful, but I can’t help wondering if it’s only because he got caught. I do know that he mysteriously stopped going out to party at the time this occurred and that he began picking up extra watch shifts and speaking to me much more often.
He claims he did this so as not to make another mistake and jeopardize our relationship. Is he worth it? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you, Martha”
My Answer: Is He Worth It?
Since this is your first relationship I can only assume that you haven’t had a lot of experience being a girlfriend and that you are still in the process of learning about being a couple and figuring out just what kind of man you want to be with.
You write that you have been with your boyfriend for a year and a half and it sounds like you consider it to be a serious and committed relationship. I have to ask you what having that kind of relationship means to you? Committed relationships imply trust, fidelity and honesty between two people. In your case it looks like your relationship is missing all three. Is he worth it?
You write “My boyfriend is notorious for lying about important things, like the number of women he’s slept with or that he’s quit smoking, and I can’t move past this newest lie.”
So now I have to ask you, exactly how many lies have you moved past and how many lies are you ready to move past in the future? More importantly, why do keep putting up with this behavior?
The Problems – Is He Worth It?
A man who lies a lot doesn’t just have a problem, he has a basic character flaw. Unless he is committed to changing this about himself he will just continue to lie and get away with whatever he can. A solid, loving relationship can not be built on lies and deceit.
You must ask yourself why you are staying with a man who doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth and be faithful to you. If he lies about the important things just imagine what he does with the small things!
If a man confesses to you he has been unfaithful and shows remorse there can room for forgiveness and a chance to repair the damage. But your boyfriend got caught cheating more than once and he referrers to this behavior as a “mistake.” Infidelity is not a mistake, it’s a choice.
The choice is now yours. Do you want to be with a man who you know lies and cheats? Is he worth it, or do you think it may be time to move on and find a real man who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve?
From Sarah: Virginia’s got a great head on her shoulders for understanding your relationship issues. She’s straightforward and practical, but it all comes from a place of deep knowledge and intuition. Check her out if you’re stuck wondering Is He Worth It?