Editors: Tell me a bit about your personal relationship story and how you came to be helping women around the topic of sex and tantra and opening your heart –
Dominique: Well it wasn’t something I ever dreamed I would ever do. If someone had ever suggested this even a few short months before, I would have laughed and then been filled with fear at this image. Honestly it wasn’t even remotely in my consciousness until I found myself doing it. I really fell into doing this. It was at the urging of a trusted friend and mentor that I began this part of my journey.
I had been working very hard on myself, to expand myself in all ways, including my sexuality which happily proved to be a lovely inroad into my heart, where I learned how to connect deeply with myself as well as with my man.
It was a different approach which I created unintentionally, but it worked well for me, and I believe this can work well for many women.
But it’s wasn’t just about sex. It was about healing myself of old hurts and traumas, programming that didn’t work for me anymore if it ever did. It was about learning how to open up to my man, being authentically me. It was about learning how to communicate effectively with him in ways he could hear. And in turn he grew right along the more he felt safe with me which thus brought him closer to me. All of this hugely deepened our connection and our relationship.
This work began with a chronicling of my story, which soon evolved into articles about not only exploring ones sexuality but also exploring ones innerself and how the two are so closely related and intertwined which would then flow naturally into relationships. How to become closer as a couple, more profoundly intimate.
The History Behind the Relationship Advice
Editors: What was it like to feel…that way (distressed, ambushed, lost, abandoned…) did you know it was old stuff coming up?
Dominique:I felt like my entire world was collapsing around me. I don’t think I had ever felt so desperate or felt so much despair and fear so intensely before. In retrospect the deep feelings I had tell me that I really, really cared about this man, probably loved him a lot though I didn’t really know what love or a relationship was or was aware what it felt like at the time.
I didn’t realize immediately that this was old stuff coming forth, but it came clear rather quickly. To have the intense reaction I did told me that there was some very deep fear being tapped into which couldn’t have anything to do with what was at hand. Even though I was not familiar with porn and the role it can play in a couple’s life, I did know that the level of pain and fear was not commensurate with the role it had in my man’s life.
I knew that if I hadn’t happened upon what I had, I would never have known, for this man was not neglecting me in any way, He was loving, sexual, supportive, and adoring. It had never, ever interfered with his life or with us. So it had to be me, my old stuff.
When I started to talk to people about this as deeply embarrassed as I was about this situation in my relationship, for I was sure I was all alone in this, I came to find out that this is a VERY common thing, and many, many women are perfectly okay with it. And many, many women are not. In summoning the courage to talk to almost anyone about my pain, I found I had inadvertently opened the door for other women who felt all alone in their pain as had I. The relief was palpable.
The New Relationship, the New You
Editors: How did you change your life in a way that works for other women?
Dominique: I pretty much upended everything in my life starting with my belief systems. I questioned everything I thought was true and saw that there are many truths in this world, and all are valid.
I started talking, being vulnerable by opening up about myself and my troubles to anyone and everyone I could find who would listen and give me maybe another piece of advice or some solace or a tool to add to my arsenal.
I wrote endlessly. I wrote in my journal. I composed speeches which were the beginnings of opening myself truthfully and honestly to my man. And I wrote my book.
I learned how to sink deeply into my feelings no matter how scary and overwhelming they might feel, for I discovered that ignoring them or shoving them aside perpetuated them. Allowing them gave them the movement to move along and on out.
And I began a sexual exploration which was a wonderfully serendipitous kind of thing. I quite happily found this to be a lovely inroad into relaxing and opening my heart even more, where I found my love which had been buried deeply for most of my life. The two I discovered are deeply intertwined, one being a barometer for the other.
I found too much to my delight that all the torqueing and distortion in my body that had developed over the years from physical and emotional traumas were shifting big time. Not magically. I do work on this a lot, but the changes have been dramatic. I gained almost two inches in height.
Learning how to talk to my man in ways he could hear me that I may share my deepest self simply and with great vulnerability was a key piece in bringing him closer, where he felt safer with me that he may share himself in his own way. Asking him for his help with some of my problems was a lovely way of including him without needing to share the details of my processing which most men don’t want to know about or hear about.
I learned how to me – vulnerable and authentically me – which created a profound intimacy between us.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and then email her for coaching for your relationship->