Am I Pulling Away Too Quickly?

Here’s a letter from one of our readers. She’s worried that she may be too hard on her dates.

Dear LRR,

I’m wondering if I’m being too hard on the guys I’m dating?

I’ve noticed that I pull away way too easily if there’s something that seems “not quite right.” I try to end it quickly so I don’t waste my time on someone who is not what I am looking for, but could I be doing it too soon?

One time, I lost interest in a guy because he calculated the evening before the movie started. Another guy worked as a youth care worker with children in a hospital, which I thought was important, but then he told me he wanted to open a home for kids to stay in because its “$100 dollars a head” (his exact words). That just completely turned me off.

Another guy would wait way too long to text me back after I wrote to him, so I told him to just forget it. I feel that for the first few dates if a guy is not trying to be a gentleman I need to be careful, but am I being too sensitive? Do you think I end things too quickly?

Here’s the answer:

The signs are always written on the wall from the very beginning.

When you see “glaring” signs in a date’s personality characteristics that will just not work for you in the long term then it is important to move away from falling into that possible relationship speedily.

Based on your descriptions, these guys seem to need “how not to turn a date off bootcamp!” And it is not your responsibility to take them through those hoops. Their bar is way too low.

Unfortunately, you are attracting men where there is a feeling of a lack of generosity in all three men you described.

And it is not just a lack of generosity coming out of a wallet like in the first date, it is also a lack of emotional generosity that is pervasive, including a lack of compassion, kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness both for you and/or towards others from all three of these dates. That is a real turn off and a sign to absolutely avoid.

You may need to ask yourself: Why are you attracting guys who are self-centered and lack emotional generosity and generosity in general?

For the answer we need to turn to your heart. Ask yourself, is your heart really open to love, or are you guarding it with one arm half-way in front of it until you see if there is a man worth opening it up to?

If so, it doesn’t work that way.

The ability to attract a partner who has the emotional openness and generosity that you desire in your life is directly in proportion to how open you are in your heart on a consistent basis — how emotionally generous you actually are, and how confident you are in your discernment.

It seems you have your discernment meter on high and I see that as a good thing. It tells me you have a strong core which you need to really open your heart and feel safe and steady in that openness.

Use this quick trick to open your heart:

*Tune into your heart and see if it feels heavy or light. When it is light it is more open and when it is heavy it is more closed.

*Now check your shoulders, are they forward or back? Do a little shoulder “roll back” to open your heart. Keep them back, throughout the day if possible, to aid you in increasing the love and lightness flowing through your heart. This is a way to raise your own bar to “attract in” a new emotional standard.

Stay tuned for an open heart near you!

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