relationship adviceby Rori Raye

If you’ve ever felt your confidence level with your man drop from a 10 to a 2 in a matter of seconds and found yourself struggling to stay “cool,” I know how much that can throw you off balance.

It’s like the bottom drops out and there’s nothing to hold onto.

You can be at a party or out to dinner, and all of a sudden you just don’t feel like yourself – you feel like you did when you were back in high school and so unsure of yourself.

It’s especially amazing how sometimes we can feel perfectly okay, maybe at work or running an errand, and then something triggers us – something someone says, or our man not giving us the attention he usually does – and we can almost feel ourselves unraveling in a bunch of different directions.

I developed so many Tools on myself and my clients to help with this – to help put us all back together.

And I’ve found that feeling back together always starts with allowing myself to feel all apart, first.

It starts with actually being OKAY with feeling all apart, and then slowly allowing myself to feel each part, embrace each part, and then things start to feel like they’re starting to get connected to each other again.

All of a sudden, when that happens, it seems not so important to be “all together.”

It feels so much better to just FEEL each part and then sense how they’re all connected to each other – through ME (and YOU).

All I need at that moment when I sense all those parts hanging out separately but connected – and I hope this helps you, too – is to feel IN CHARGE of myself and all my parts.

One thing that’s been really interesting and helpful for all this is something that you’d think has absolutely nothing to do with love and relationships:

It’s DOG training!

I’ve been studying “The Dog Whisperer” dog training lately, and it’s been quite a profound experience.

A dog can hear your words and the sound of your voice, and see your hand signals, and smell the treats you’re holding – but the thing about you that is the most important quality he picks up on is your “energy.”

A dog can tell how you feel about yourself.

A dog is an animal who is born to live in a “pack,” and, unless he (I’ll call a “dog” a “he” for now just to make it simple) is a born leader himself, what he wants most is to feel comfortable and relaxed under the leadership of another dog – or human – who’s a more powerful “pack leader” than he is – and that’s YOU.

And no matter what you do or say, his decision about whether or not you are a fit “pack leader,” worthy of his following of you, is all about your “energy.”

He can tell.

He can tell if you’re strong inside or not.

It’s not something you can PRETEND.

To be a good “pack leader” you have to radiate the “energy” of strength and confidence from the INSIDE.

It’s just like the Rori Raye work we do around men.

You can’t PRETEND to have a certain kind of “energy,” you either have it or you don’t.

And in order to have a self-confident “energy,” my Tools are about using the emotions and the feeling state you’re ALREADY IN to feel and project high self-esteem and confidence NO MATTER WHAT you’re feeling.

It’s not about the FEELINGS we have – it’s about the OPINIONS we have, and what we tell ourselves ABOUT our feelings that makes all the difference.

We can be feeling terribly upset, or fiercely angry, and STILL have high self-esteem.

But if we tell ourselves opinions about ourselves and our feelings that are “negative,” or personal put-downs, and that makes us feel bad inside – that’s what our “energy (our vibe)” will be like.

And that’s what a MAN will pick up on.

***If you’d like some extra help in getting in touch with your “vibe” and raising it to a powerful, feminine, self-confident, soft vibe that will feel magnetic to your man and change your relationship nearly instantly – no matter what it’s like right now – try out my new Commitment Blueprint program.

The “Blueprint” leads you through The 7 Steps To Triggering His Lifelong Commitment – and its new tools WORK. Fast. You can watch some of it (and hear real women who were at the live seminar tell you about their Blueprint experience) right here

I know, there’s a big difference between a dog and a man.

A man isn’t like a dog.

He can’t be “trained” the way you train a dog.

The psychology of dogs and the psychology of humans are very different.

A man doesn’t need you to be his “pack leader.”

He doesn’t WANT you to be his pack leader.

In fact, HE wants the leadership position in your relationship.

But he CAN – with almost as much sensitivity as a dog can – pick up on your ENERGY.

He can SMELL low self-esteem.

So how can we use the “Pack Leader” technique to help with self-esteem and confidence around a man?

Let’s just call this Tool – PACK LEADER. And let’s say that the pack you’re leading is YOU.

We’re all a collection of thoughts, feelings and almost different personalities, sometimes in harmony (that’s when we feel like we’re in the zone”) and sometimes in conflict (when we feel ense and nervous).

Some of the thoughts and “Voices” we hear in our heads tell us we’re wonderful and some tell us we’re not so great.

Some tell us to do one thing and then other voices argue back that we should do something else.

So let’s say that this collection of thoughts and voices and personalities are our PACK, and that to help ourselves feel self-esteem and confidence, we have to start to think of ourselves as the Leader of that pack of voices.

I know from once studying dream analysis that in our dreams, animals often represent our emotions and instincts. I remember dreaming often about kittens and puppies, and trying to gather them together and keep them safe.

And it really seemed to me that while I was sleeping, I was yearning to be more in touch with and take better care of my instincts and emotions – and the dream was telling me sometimes that I was neglecting them, and sometimes that I was afraid of them, and sometimes that I was afraid I couldn’t control them.

So, as I worked hard to learn to be more authoritative with my little dog, I could see how difficult that felt for me.

I so instinctively wanted to be ONLY nice and sweet with her, and that just didn’t include being “authoritative.”

I didn’t really “like” being “in charge” of her.

So I tried something different.

I tried imagining what it would be like if, instead of trying to be in charge of my DOG, I simply worked to feel in charge of ME.

Instead of looking to her to lead us on our walk, or making a decision to go in a direction and then firmly insisting that we go in that
direction, I tried following my instincts, intuition and plain old FEELINGS about where I wanted to go.

Then I stood up as tall as I could, rolled my arms out so my shoulders went back a bit and opened up my chest and my heart could breathe, and looked around me.

I AIMED myself at whatever felt most PLEASURABLE.

A tree, a beautiful house, interesting statues on a front lawn, a cloud…and then I just ASSUMED my dog would follow along next to me.

The weird thing is – I could feel how nervous I was.

I was worried that she wouldn’t come easily, and that I’d have to ask her, or plead with her, or order her, or give her a “leash correction” – all things I didn’t feel particularly positive I could do successfully.

So I had to also do my Body Dialogues and get peaceful with my insecurity at being a Pack Leader.

Even the THOUGHT of being in charge of MYSELF was shaky.

And then, amazingly, she just sort of automatically started trotting along next to me.

I could tell that she was picking up my “vibe.”

She was reading my mind.

She was looking for direction.

So I just started looking at her as a representative of my OWN instincts and tried assuming that if I took up the label of Pack Leader of Myself, she would happily go with me. People who are good with horses experience this, too.

It’s as though the horse and rider become “one,” and the horse becomes very sensitive to the directions of the rider – even if the rider’s only “thinking” about those directions.

So try it.

Imagine all the thoughts and feelings that are going on in you when you’re someplace around men and feel uncomfortable, or your man is doing something or not doing something and making you feel insecure.

Now just call yourself the Pack Leader of Yourself and gather all your conflicting thoughts and feelings together in your own arms and your own body.

Gather them together and keep them safe.

Embrace them all and then give out a simple direction just by thinking it: “I’m in charge of myself, and I choose to be okay with however I feel right now.”

“I’m a confident woman who is okay with whatever feelings are coming up, even fear, anger, distrust and shakiness.”

“I can stand right here until I know how I feel and know what it is I want to do.”

And then you do all the Rori Raye Tools to ground yourself. Leanback, and focus your attention on your body to see whether you want to speak to your man in Feeling Messages, or whether you want to step away.

Lead your Pack, altogether.

Gather in the disagreeing voices in your head and follow, as best you can, what FEELS GOOD.

Not what feels SAFE, but what feels GOOD.

We’ll talk in another letter about those different things – feeling Safe and feeling Good – for now, focus on what would feel most Good to YOU – speaking or walking away, or just listening.

You can do this.

And if you practice Leading Your Pack as much as you can, just the way I’ve been practicing (and I just INCLUDE my little dog as part of my Pack along with all my voices and impulses), you’ll start to FEEL more in charge of yourself.

Someone near you will notice it right away.

Your man will notice that you aren’t getting pulled into “fights” and aren’t starting “talks” anymore, because you feel more secure within yourself.

He’ll become more interested.

In a way, HE becomes part of your Pack, too.

He will start to pick up on your thoughts that are about gathering yourself together, and he’ll want to join up.

This is where you see him start to follow you around. (Yes, just like a dog.)

He’ll follow you around out of curiosity and interest and – yes, feeling INSPIRED by you.

***If your relationship is suddenly (or over time) getting less and less passionate, fun, happy and fulfilling – perhaps even to where he’s withdrawing and going cold – you’ll want to check out my Reconnect Your Relationship CD program.

It’s just jammed with Tools to undo the damage of even years and years of disconnection and turn your man around – fast. You can listen to a bit of it right here

Let me know how being your own Pack Leader works for you.

It’s been an amazing Tool for me, and I’ll be developing a lot more step-by-step Tools around it for you. (To give you a preview, I’m working on one called “Kiss A Tree – look for it soon.)

Confidence feels great. It’s yours!

Love, Rori

P. S. If you’d like to send me a question or a problem you’re having that I can answer in an eletter – or a Success Story! — get my newsletter for feedback options.

Though I may not be able to correspond one-on-one with you, I WILL ABSOLUTELY, PERSONALLY READ YOUR LETTER! I find myself up late reading what you’ve written to me, and I will answer in this eletter. (If you don’t want me to use your letter, please let me know when you write – otherwise I’ll change all the names and cities and go ahead.)

It will help me write a truly helpful answer much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format:

1. One or two paragraphs, please, and

2. Get as specific as you can – the details help me really get a feel for your unique situation.

Please feel free to forward these e-letters to a friend – and let her know she can get in touch with me and start receiving her own letters by going to Have The Relationship You Want

If you’ve already downloaded my Have The Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If you’d like to get it now see the link at the end of this article.

Please go ahead and write in it, practice all the Tools, and let me know how it’s working for you.

If you already have the book, and need a quick boost to your self-esteem right away so you feel more confident using my Tools and getting what you want, try out my Heart Connection Toolkit and you’ll have the constant support of my voice on CD, and the workbook in your purse.

Love, Rori

From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters


  1. Carol on May 17, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have met a man who I really like. We went on a first date and all was ok. He invited me to his house for a second date and instantly I arrived I felt he had lost all interest in me. He sat away from me and looked uncomfortable when I kissed his cheek on leaving and thanking him for cooking a great meal. I emailed him and told him I liked him, and felt it best to be honest and open, that I wasn’t needy but felt I couldn’t read him. e replied that I had made him smile, that unfortunately he would like to be friends, that he had a lot to learn from me and he liked my energy, but there was no chemistry”. I had been brave going on the date, he is an attourney and handsome, I have suffered burns through a childhood accident and am 50 this year. I have always accepted less as a result and decided I should aim higher. A baptism of fire it seems and I felt I was put back in the place where I should not have stepped out of my comfort zone. He does email me occassionally as he said he wanted to be friends. I felt I should have said I have enough friends but …I like him. Help! Thank you for any advice in anticipation.

  2. Chaana on November 5, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    I came across your newsletter and I must say It’s really inspiring. Am 37 yrs old, don’t have a job yet; though I have working experience but my academic qualification is not what it should be; I don’t feel beautiful enough though am very cheerful free and eloquent. With the little I’ve read in your article I realised I’ve have low-self esteem,which makes me needy and clingy in most of the relationships I’ve had.
    I met a guy recently that I really, really love but these issues came up to the point he told me blatantly that I have low self esteem, stupid and insecure. Though we’ve made up but am always reaching out to him, wanting to talk to him, be there for him via he’s having accommodation issues.
    Pls Rori help me I can’t purchase you book now but I’ll appreciate if you can help me with the tools I need to turn my relationship around.
    NB; you can call me Cynthia

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