I had an exchange recently with a woman (I will call her Debra) who was complaining that her man was not being sexual enough with her. Or rather he was having difficulty having and maintaining an erection.
And as a result it seemed as though he was avoiding her, staying up later then she at night. It seemed as though he was jumping out of bed in the morning without barely a kiss, eager to get away from her. When she broached the subject, he waffled. She felt hurt, confused and wondered if he was impotent.
A few things come to mind right away. He’s having an affair or he has a medical problem or his hormone levels have dropped below the norm which can be caused by illness, stress, or poor/inadequate diet.
You may be wondering if age could be playing a role here, for you likely know that testosterone levels drop over the years. But it’s not by a lot; it’s a relatively small percentage per decade.
For example a man in his twenties can likely get an erection by just taking a breath or having a brief, sexually directed thought. One in his thirties might need a glimpse of a breast or something else which turns him on as well.
One in his forties and older will likely need some extra time and some additional help in becoming aroused by maybe lingering over, taking in the full sight of gloriously naked you and/or by caressing you all over.
To keep the arousal going, he may need some direct stimulation such as periodically stroking himself to maintain the erection, especially if he’s otherwise occupied pleasing you.
So over time, yes the changes will be noticeable and mostly to him, yet if it’s a precipitous or a sudden decline, then something else is up (no pun meant). To lose interest in sex almost entirely doesn’t sound right. So I will go back to he’s either having an affair, has a medical condition, OR he is feeling shame or non-acceptance around his NORMAL changes.
So in this case, I asked the anticipated questions about whether he had sought medical and/or psychological help. I asked her about their sex life and if anything needed spicing up, some life injected into it, some changes made, some mixing it up mixed in, and I gave her some suggestions how to do this. There are many to be found in my Sex and Heart e-book.
I also asked her if she had ever said something like this to him. “Remember when we did…………on…………in…………? That FELT SO amazing. I felt SO turned. I think you must have made me come twelve times. (I’m exaggerating for emphasis to anyone who might go to feeling inadequate if they have never experienced twelve orgasms in one session.
Just so you know, I certainly haven’t though there are likely one or two out there who have. How ever many orgasms you have, even if it’s none, your experience is still wonderful and amazing. As long as it feels good, it IS good, and it’s ALL YOURS.) I miss that feeling. I would love to do that again. Would you like to help me with this? (or what do you think?)” And you could smile sweetly, coyly, seductively.
BUT this article is not about a man’s sexual interests or lack thereof nor his changes, nor is it about this couple’s or your sex life with or without problems.
This is about YOU, but not you in the bedroom. This about YOU anywhere else but there. This about what this situation might be trying to tell you.
It’s about where are YOU feeling IMPOTENT in YOUR LIFE.
If something like this is showing up for you, there is a good possibility there is a reason, a very good reason, one I would suggest you take a look at, or it will show up again and again. The universe is infinitely patient this way.
I asked Debra to do just this, as I would ask of you. This is actually a wonderful opportunity FOR YOU. Instead of worrying about him, I would ask you to take the focus off of your man, and put it firmly and directly back on yourself.
Your man and his potential issues aside, I would ask you to look in depth within you. Where are you holding yourself back? And this could be anything. Are you not participating in things you love to do? Have you set your hobbies and passions aside for whatever reason? Like in deference to your man for instance. Have you fallen out of touch with or been neglecting people you love and love to be with?
Are you feeling blocked? This could be from your emotions, traumas/hurts from the past OR the present being repressed or suppressed, feelings being stuffed. This could also be the creative part of you though interference with creativity would likely come back to your emotions and things you’ve not been dealing with.
Are YOU not meeting YOUR needs? Are you not asking for what YOU want. Of yourself first but also of others?
Do you feel stuck? At a crossroads, maybe for a long time, and having no idea which way to turn. What are you afraid of? For indecision such as this comes back to fear. Why are you getting in your own way by allowing this fear to rule you? Why are you not reaching for your desires?
And another really important piece here has to do with another kind of focus. Are you placing your attention more on what feels negative or bad to you instead of looking for and feeling thankful for ALL that feels good or positive to you, that is SO wonderful in your life?
Have you taken a moment or an hour to savor all the beauty which surrounds you? Have you taken a moment or an hour to lavish love on yourself?
Have you taken a moment or an hour to simply enjoy your man’s presence? Have you taken a moment or an hour to recognize ALL that he really does for you?
Have you been criticizing him for not fixing something he had promised to instead of telling him how good it feels when he brings you a glass of wine in the evening or a cup of coffee in the morning or some other seeming small thing he does for you? Or whatever other scenario you can come up with which fits you.
Are you silently or loudly having bad feeling thoughts about him because it seems as though he sometimes ignores you (he could just be in another mental box at that moment as in he can only handle one thing at a time and will not even see/hear anything else) or something else instead of reveling in the amazing snuggling, hold you close embrace he gives you when he comes home at night?
Do you even know what is HIS way of “telling” you he loves you?
There is SO much to feel thankful for, so much which feels good if you allow it or simply recognize it in the first place. And it’s everywhere, including in your man.
There is no magic answer here, mostly a lot of questions to ask yourself and deeply delve into. This is a time to be brutally honest with yourself. Take some time to really explore, see where YOU ARE FEELING IMPOTENT, and then doing what it takes to make the changes you probably already knew you needed to but maybe avoided or ignored or wished would poof change all on their own. You CAN do this.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and then email her for coaching for your relationship->