ruth purpleby Ruth Purple

Infidelity hurts. There is no ifs or buts about it. The pain and shock of discovering that the one person you have loved for almost all your life has been unfaithful to you is perhaps one of most traumatic and devastating events that can happen to you and one that I hope you don’t have to experience.

Unfortunately, you and I know that life isn’t exactly fair. Infidelity happens and it can take years before couples repair a relationship marred by such an event, if at all.

Now calm down, I didn’t say it’s not possible now did I? I merely said that it could be tough.

It’s going to take a lot of work on both you and your partner’s part if you want it to work.

Before I talk about what you, yourself, can do in order for you to survive the infidelity, let me start by talking about what can affect your recovery success rate.

Recovery is possible. Many couples have bounced back and have even developed a stronger and more intimate relationship.

How your relationship was before the infidelity is one factor that can affect recovery. Obviously if there were some animosity before hand it may make reconciliation a little more difficult.

At the same time, there’s also the commitment level to make it work, both yours and his. Let’s face it, if you two don’t feel like getting back together again, well it’s not going to work.

We’re talking about motivation here. If you’re not truly motivated to save the relationship then it won’t be saved.

You two are the best indicator as to whether or not your relationship is worth saving.

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Ok, now let’s get down to what you can do in order to survive such an emotional event – knock on wood that you don’t have to experience it.

1) Give yourself a break and treat yourself.

You heard me. Go out and treat yourself. You’ve just been through hell so why not treat yourself to a little bit of heaven to make up for it.

What heaven is depends on your definition of it and just how far your imagination takes you.

Get a new wardrobe, or two. A new outfit can do wonders in rejuvenating yourself.

If you want a physical makeover go to a spa or a salon. Treat yourself to a massage or get your hair done. Even better get the whole makeover package, especially one that has you coming back in stages.

That way you have something to look forward to in the coming days or weeks. An extended revitalizing program if you will.

If a retreat is more your thing then do that. A weekend or even a week in the mountains, communing with nature may just be what the doctor ordered.

After all this is so you get your spirit back.

However, even when I say go out and paint the town red and indulge yourself, I didn’t say anything about not taking care of yourself.

By that I mean not to go overboard. Remember that saying: don’t do anything I wouldn’t do? Follow that.

Drink if you must, but drink to mellow, not to get drunk. Drinking is not the solution to life’s problems. And besides, I have yet to see a drunk not have more problems than he or she started with before they were drunk.

Basically, what I’m saying is, don’t do anything that you will regret later on. So now instead of only one concern you’ll wind up with two, or three, or even four.

“Girl, what did you do last night,” comes to mind.

So splurge BUT moderation is key.

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2) Let your emotions subside.

You’re angry. Of course you are. And not just anger. You’re also sad, as well as confused. Emotions that make for one very explosive brew.

And why not, you have been through an life-altering event that brought you emotional, psychological, and physical shock.

Probably your first impulse was to throw his stuff out the window and file for a divorce.

I don’t blame you.

That would have been a normal reaction. After you’ve just been betrayed so why not.

So what do you do? You divorce him and remarry? Many have gone that route. But often they do it much to their regret.

Rebound romances and marriages often don’t compare to the first one.

And you know, by doing all this, you’ve just given up on hope that things can still be worked out.

Why do I say that? Because if you really sit down and think about things without the emotion, you’ll probably find out that you still very much in love with him, and him with you.

He’s probably regretting what he has done, especially when he realizes he’s going to lose you.

So what do you do?

Sit, relax, and give your mind time to calm down. Right now you are in a state of emotional flux.

It’s like someone stirred a tank of water and sand. Clouds up the water doesn’t it? That’s what’s happening to you now.

So in order to clear the water in the tank you have to let the sand settle – in your case let your emotions settle.

That’s why you go and do the 1st thing I suggested above – so you can settle your emotions.

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3) Talk about it.

Yes, being a victim of infidelity can be embarrassing – you’ll feel ashamed that it happened to you, so much so that you won’t even talk about it with anyone.

I know. I have known people who prefer to keep everything under wraps because they don’t want the stigma associated with it.

If I remember correctly, martyrdom went away with the last of the crusades. And it’s not like you’re the poster child for infidelity.

Sorry to bust your bubble sweetie, but this has happened to a lot of women around the world.

The only difference is, many of them chose NOT to hide that fact and some have even come out with it.

What good is hiding it do for you. You keep silent and no one will know but is it worth it?

So you’ll just let all that emotion fester and boil up inside you until one day you snap and commit a double murder?

Ok so maybe that’s a bit much, and I’m sure you won’t go that far but at the very least you may suffer a mental breakdown, which in turn WILL affect your life.

Come on, that’s not worth it.

There are a lot of help available for people such as yourself. It’s only a matter of reaching out to them.

Counselors can be an invaluable help with this concern. Get a referral or look through the phone book. I would advise looking for one that you can be comfortable with sharing your life’s story. And advantage they have is that they are looking at this from an objective point of view so they can properly advise you.

If you are not into sharing your problems with complete strangers then share with your family or even closest friends. Ask for their opinion. Who knows, the sister you didn’t really like may have the best advise to offer.

If anything else, what I’m saying is: do not attempt to survive infidelity without help.

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So you are able to survive infidelity – the event – after it has already happened.

So you’re now working to get back together. While that is good it is true that the root cause of the infidelity has yet to be identified.

Often the cause is not identified so the underlying problem itself is not addressed. What this means is, should you get back together again the cheating can likely happen again.

Surviving infidelity is an uphill battle. That’s why you need to have the tools and the back-up to meet that
challenge.

This is because reconciliation and compassion are very much possible when the extra-marital affair has ended!

Until next time,

Ruth Purple

From Sarah: Ruth is a stupendous and experienced relationship coach. You can find more from her and information about her book, “You Can Get Him Back” – right here->

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