I found love at age 47. That means I spent about 30 years flailing away at dating before I met and married my spectacular man. I feel special and loved every single day, and our time together has been the best of my life.
How did I do this? In my early 40s I decided I had to figure out the man-thing. I began a journey of education. I learned more about myself, men and relationships. And here’s what I came to find out:
The challenge isn’t the NEW things we have to learn, but the OLD stuff we have un-learn!
Let’s face it: we’re kinda old. We’ve been doing, thinking and believing things about ourselves and men for a very long time. I’m here to help you do what I finally did: let go of the old crap that has been getting in your way of what you probably want most in your life: a loving, committed man.
This is why I devoted one of my Grownup Girls’ Night Out webcasts to the topic: The Three Stupid Things You Should STOP Doing If You Want to Fall in Love.
The 3 Stupid Things You Should STOP Doing If You Want to Fall in Love After 40:
#1: Dump Your Desire to Be Dazzled.
We all have different things that do it for us. You know, that thing that gives you butterflies when you finally meet a guy who has it. Maybe he has that special sense of humor, maybe it’s his intellect or his looks. This is the thing that when you find THIS in a guy you get giddy and start projecting into the future…YOUR future…together.
Whatever your thing is, even though you are over 40 or in your boomer or senior years, it’s likely coming from your 18 year old. When you meet a man with The Thing, you feel instant chemistry. You also often overlook other things that may make him a complete putz!
If you are still basing your dating choices or you’re staying in a relationship simply because you laugh together, you’re awed by his brilliance, or you think you look great together – and that’s about all you can say about it – then you are not a grownup woman looking for a good husband – you’re an 18 year old looking for a BUZZ.
The grownup woman who picks a good man as her partner gets her buzz based on observing a series of his actions and attitudes. She gets dazzled because he makes her HAPPY, not because he gives her a buzz.
Think about what dazzles you. Is it something that has to do with him being the guy who has your back and makes you feel loved and safe? Or is it about immediate gratification and feeling good in the moment?
Here’s an example of what I think is the Real Thing: When my husband Larry agrees to answer the phone when my mother calls, and when he is so freaking nice to her she forgets about talking to me all together. My 18 year old couldn’t give a shit about that, but my 53 year old digs it. He has my back. That dazzles me every freakin’ time.
#2 Stop expecting men to take all the risks.
Here is what that looks like when we’re making the man do all the work:
“If he’s interested he’ll show it and I’ll know it.”
“If he really cares about me he’ll know what I want.”
“I’m not going to tell him that I care about him until he says it first.”
“I never make the first move.”
Well, let me tell you about grownup men. These guys (the ones you want!) have achieved success in life know how to get what they want. If they think you are unattainable or uninterested they will quickly move on. They won’t waste their time on something (or someone) they can’t win. And they certainly aren’t interested in doing all the work. Are you?
What does that mean to your grownup girl? It means not walking around with your head down and your wall up. It means talking to men anywhere and everywhere. It means being willing and able to initiate open and honest conversation about yourself and about things that count when getting to know one another.
“The Rules” are out, sister. Making him chase you not only doesn’t fly with grownup dating, it turns off the smart, commitment-minded men you are probably trying to meet. These men are not into playing games or climbing your “wall of I dare you.” (That was the name of my wall. I talk about it in my eBook. In case you haven’t yet read it, you can get my book here.)
Like you, men who are dating in their midlife want to meet someone nice and have an easy time getting to know her. And like you, most hope to meet a partner who will share the rest of their great life. But they don’t want to – nor do they have to – work like a dog to get it.
Now I Want You to Ask Yourself a Couple Questions About Finding Love:
Do I expect men to do all or most of the work?
Could I be using this belief as an excuse to not put myself out there and risk rejection?
#3: Stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I’m going to assume that you’ve been dating the same way and having the same type of relationships with men for years and years. Why? Maybe you’re not trying to do things differently because you’re you just don’t know what else to do. Maybe it’s because it feels safe and familiar. Maybe you’re just stuck in a been-there-done-that rut.
Doing things the same way IS standing still…or actually worse because it seems you’re working really hard and getting nowhere. Right? Well that is a feeling I knew well for many years, and it sucks!
I suggest you stay in motion. REAL forward motion! Do things and learn things that put you in a position to meet your man. Read, attend courses and seminars, learn from others who have achieved what you want (umm…h-e-l-l-o!), learn techniques to help you stay positive and hopeful, get online, tell friends you are open to meeting someone…do something every day that keeps you positive and hopeful and improves your chances of attracting Your Man.
From Sarah: Bobbi is absolutely adorable! You will SO identify with her and her story personally, and her FREE “Man-O-Meter” test is really helpful. Just go here to take the test and get Bobbi’s great free stuff and advice about how to “Date Like A Grownup” to get the man, relationship and love you want->>