christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

If you find yourself stuck in the pattern of meeting men who can’t wait to get to know you better and “date” you… but who turn out to have no idea what they want when it comes time to grow together in a RELATIONSHIP with you, then I’ve got news for you- The fact that this is a repeating pattern means it’s NOT just about men not “getting it.”

You are playing a part here too. And as strange as it sounds right now, this is actually good news.

Why? Because you have the power to change this pattern for yourself, and to bring the kind of love that will grow and last into your life. Stop wasting your precious time and energy, and connect with the right man in the right way that will have him begging you for more- instead of resisting you and a relationship.

You know what irks a lot of women about men? I hear this all the time–

They just don’t get how they can go on amazing and fun dates with a man, have deep conversations together, and feel a great connection where the man obviously knows what a special thing they have… But STILL the man will be on the fence as to whether or not he’s “ready” for a REAL RELATIONSHIP.

Of course he’s ready enough to want to get close to you PHYSICALLY and sleep together, right? Exactly. The truth is that a man can feel close with a woman and enjoy spending tons of time with her and be physical and intimate, but still never have that feeling like she’s “The One.” And a man can be with a woman and tell her how great she is, which leads a woman to believe that this means there’s a great future between them- When the only thing he wants is to be with her FOR NOW.

And as for anything more in the future, he couldn’t say and would pull away if the woman he was with even simply mentioned “the R word.” “Relationship.”

Why are men like this? And what can you do about it so that the man you open up to and share a great connection with isn’t so “wishy-washy” with you?

I’ll explain a few of the reasons men think and act this way, plus, I’ll reveal two things you can do to help secure that spot in your man’s heart and mind as the “one and only” woman for him. Let’s get started.

First off, let’s take a look at how men and women think and feel about dating and being single.

It’s important for you to know that men’s attitudes are generally much different than women’s. In case you haven’t noticed, lots of men like being single because they enjoy casual dating and the “freedom” that comes with it. They don’t always consider or think about the “big picture” of where things are headed when they’re dating a woman.

Most guys just don’t think that way. If they feel good when they’re with you, they’ll continue to see you, sleep with you and enjoy the connection you share.

But that doesn’t mean they’re telling their friends and family about you or that they’re daydreaming about what kind of house you’ll buy together, or what it might be like when you’re in a committed relationship full of love and support.

On the other hand, most women usually approach dating as a means to an end… the end being a committed and “real” relationship that’s GOING SOMEWHERE. Most women don’t enjoy “dating around”, and if they feel a connection with a man, they usually end up thinking in acting in ways that are what constitute a more serious and committed relationship before there really is a relationship.

This isn’t how things work for men though… If a woman goes on a couple of dates in a few weeks or a month, she’ll probably feel a bit frustrated that she hasn’t found the right guy yet. If a guy goes on 5 or 10 or more dates in a month, he’ll feel like he’s living it up.

And sure, there are exceptions to this rule, and there are plenty of women out there who can and do “date” a lot… but those are different circumstances.

Many men tend to enjoy just dating and being single, and they aren’t too worried about when they’ll “settle down” with any one woman for a more committed and long-term situation. They think – when it happens, it happens.

These are the kind of guys who really enjoy the freedom of being a “confirmed bachelor” because they feel they can follow opportunities in their personal lives and careers. They like having “options.” And yes, even when it comes to women.

No wonder there can be a HUGE disconnect with what men and women expect from each other even from the very beginning after date #1.

A woman will meet a great guy and get excited that her love life will “finally” go somewhere and she won’t have to date anymore. A man will meet a great woman and he may think he’s found someone he can enjoy getting to know and go do fun stuff with… even while he’s casually meeting other interesting women.

You’re starting to see some of the differences here that can end up making lots of women get upset, frustrated and feel a little less than confident and appreciated from the start with a man. I know… you’re probably shaking your head right now wondering how men and women EVER get together with this sort of disconnect going on.

It can make things seem impossible. But don’t let what seems like a problem in your life create more problems in your head.

There’s something you should know. A kind of subtle and hard to recognize truth about even the most hardened lifelong bachelors… It’s that even though a man has a strong desire to be “free” and single, he’s more VULNERABLE than you could ever imagine to one thing that can and will override his desire for freedom and autonomy.

It even overrides some men’s superficial desire to date a lot of women at the same time, just because they can.

This one thing can make a man who’s intent on “playing around” suddenly stop looking around the corner for the next woman… because he wants to be with you and ONLY YOU. It is my belief, and my personal experience, that any man can quickly and suddenly be transformed when he finds the right woman. I’ve seen literally hundreds and thousands of men who have been transformed in this way, and I’ve also been one of them myself.

The fact is… ANY MAN can completely change his mind about being single when he meets a woman he knows is the one and feels that deep level of ATTRACTION for her.

Of course, I’m not talking about the every day kind of attraction that mostly Physical. I’m talking about the kind of attraction that literally INSPIRES a man to want to be a better man, and a great boyfriend, just because. I’m talking about the kind of attraction that fills a man with the overwhelming emotions of love and appreciation.

I’m talking about the kind of attraction that fills a man’s heart for the first time with love and changes him from the inside out.

From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->


  1. SandySue on November 12, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    I’ve seen this happen to so many men too. A confirmed bachelor will finally find “the one” and that will be it. I think where the problem arises is for those men who don’t ever feel that way. It’s possible to want to be married and start a family without being overwhelmed with that “she’s the one” feeling. It’s much harder to get a man like that to walk down the aisle. I’ve seen friends of mine be almost hauled down the aisle by women but then he always backed out. But when HE decided “she’s the one” then there was no stopping him. I don’t know what that feeling is for a man exactly, but if they get it, that’s it. But if they don’t feel it, you may just be barking up the wrong tree. If you marry a man who is never sure that you’re “the one” he often ends up never really feeling satisfied. Interesting stuff! Enjoyed reading it!

  2. Sam on November 13, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Great article. I hope that everyone finds true love for themselves, and I think it is very important to know if that love is true. Thank you for your good and insightful article.

  3. chandrasekaran.R on November 19, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    Ya, its very useful in future. I will follow the tips. This may useful to attract my girl friend
    its very funny and joyfully

  4. Candy on December 16, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    Wow, I was really starting to wonder if it was just me. Just recently, a guy I know chased me for 3 months, and when I finally considered dating him (aka showing interest in return) he gave me an hour long speech about how he was not interested in a relationship, but adored me all the same. He said he enjoyed his freedom and was “very single.” But still continued to chase after me….

    What’s interesting to me, now that I think about it, is that I had guys chasing after me left and right that WANTED to be in a relationship when I was 18-22 years old. But since I turned 22, and now that I’m 26, it seems that guys my age are no longer interested in having relationships. Most of my man friends nowadays want to wait until they’re at least 30.
    I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter of this article…

  5. Sarah on March 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    So I totally get what you’re saying. Not only do I agree, but have also been enlightened in other ways. However, I’m still confused about one thing…does this same philosophy still apply to guys that have been dreadfully hurt in the past? Will he make that “transition” you’ve outlined, despite past personal hurts, or has “witnessed past hurts of ‘his friends'”? I ask because it is BEYOND clear that this guy is into me on an attraction level, but for some reason can’t take things further, and isnt dating anyone else either. I’ve been very careful in not overstepping boundaries in the way that makes them run the opposite direction (I’ve learned from my mistakes! :). or lose interest. I’ve also gradually come to realize that I am indeed selective, based on everything I’ve learned through my own past relationships. And that isn’t to say in an obnoxious, high maintenance way either. I’m a midwestern girl that just wants a solid and honest relationship and won’t settle for less. So what’s the deal here? Am I just dealing with someone that is totally worthy, but just awfully afraid of being destroyed again or is intimidated by me? (not to toot my own horn, but I do believe I’m a catch). Any thoughts are appreciated! :)

  6. Editor on March 24, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Hi, Sarah – this is “Editor” Sarah…(ha) – Everything I’ve read in Rori Raye (she’s the go-to-girl here because she deals with emotions and this kind of thing) says that if WE open up, if WE can handle our emotions and really sink into and express our feelings – if WE can be vulnerable and raw around our man – then HE will feel more comfortable letting down his own guard and healing himself. The thing is – a man is ATTRACTED to what he knows – if his mother was cold, then he’ll be attracted to a cold woman, and be very comfortable with the disconnected relationship that happens after the first few months. So, most of the times, a man isn’t pulling away – he’s just going to what he naturally feels and what’s in his “comfort zone.” The way to encourage him to come OUT of that comfort zone, and interact on a deeper level is to do it YOURSELF, in a very easy, natural way (you have to practice, but it’s working so well for me in my relationship – actually unbelieveably well). Hope this helps. Go to Rori on her site and get her free letters – they’ll help you the way they’ve helped me….Sarah

  7. Elena on August 24, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    PLEASE tell me this …”the kind of attraction that fills a man’s heart with love” is that even a man who has been hurt a number of times before? I had this same exact situation, almost to the “tee” that you talk about above, but he had been hurt, very badly in the past, had I not been almost 49 years old, I would have given him time but bc of my age, I had to move on. It hurts me but tell me, can a man who is hurt love again? How can this happen? What is my role, as the woman who falls for him after he’s hurt? PS I was so cool in this relationship, easy going, waited for him to call me, mirrored his texting patterns (once or twice a day TOPS), when we were on a date we talked forever, we had almost everything in common – I just don’t know what happened. I broke it off when he told me he thinks he’s broken because he should be asking me to marry him because I am so good to him. Yet, he can’t. He told me he thinks he’s broken. But, I am CERTAIN he is not browsing the internet and posting messages about the break-up. He’s probably on his porch reading a book and relaxing for work tomorrow. Grrrr …. breathe, just breathe.

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