There are two elements that determine happiness in a relationship:
1. Friendship 2. Balancing the masculine and feminine energies.Friendshipencompasses truly caring for one another, looking out for one another, listening to one another, and communicating clearly with one another. A relationship that’s a friendship is a successful team.The balancing of masculine and feminine energies is essential to an intimate, sexy relationship. This requires a clear-cut choosing of roles: it requires a boy and a girl. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is between a man and a woman, two women, or two men, and it doesn’t matter who chooses which role. It only matters that there be clearly one of each. The “girl” expresses feelings, the “boy” thinks and makes decisions.Once your partner experiences your listening, caring and communicating in quite new and different ways than he’s used to, he will respond in kind. You will be creating a safe space for him, and for the relationship itself.
If it sounds simple, it is. But trying on new ways of being feels risky. Treating our mate as we would a friend is often completely foreign to us. Opening our hearts is scary because it makes us vulnerable – and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is the key to love. .
Exposing our vulnerability is what allows our partners to truly love us. They can’t love us if they don’t know us, really know us. And being the girl in a relationship means being vulnerable.
Some thoughts on being a girl:
Day in and day out, we women take care of things. We go, we do, we take action, speak out about what we want, use our considerable talents, run meetings, run projects, run businesses, run errands, run other people. This is masculine, “boy” energy, and it’s part of the profound feminist legacy that we get to express our deep wells of that energy out in the world. It’s great to be a boy out in the world. In the world of our relationships, however, it’s a different story. A relationship team has three members. There’s you, there’s him, and there’s the relationship. The relationship has needs and requirements of it’s own. As part of the team, you choose to be primarily either the feeling “girl” or the thinking “boy.” If you want to be the one whose feelings are cherished and nurtured instead of the one who does the cherishing and nurturing — within the relationship you’ll want to choose to be primarily the girl. Out in the world you can be as much “boy” as you want, but at home, you’re the girl. It means one person “wears the pants in the family,” and if you choose to be the girl, the pants belong to him. Though this may sound both odd and reactionary, something you might have been told in the 50’s, it’s the complete opposite of that docile, sweet 50’s woman. Choosing to surrender to feminine energy – to love and to feelings – must be balanced by the firm boundaries a woman who knows her true worth would automatically have. This means saying No when you need to and having high standards for the way you’re treated from first date to the last wedding anniversary.Creating a balance between masculine and feminine energies is crucial to creating a sexy, intimate relationship. Without this key, your relationship might become a good friendship — but a friendship without fire and romantic intimacy.The feminine role, whether played by the man or the woman in the relationship, is expressive, experiential, sensual. The feminine aspect says “I feel.” The masculine energy is assertive, makes decisions, acts, and says “I think.” If you choose to be the girl in the relationship, and begin to treat your partner with respect (specific advice for this in the next web update,) in a very short time he will catch on. Unless he is incapable of it (and now’s your chance to find out) he will take up the slack. He will start behaving like the man you want him to be. He’ll take out the garbage because he wants to make you happy. He’ll start to see you as a goddess and treat you accordingly. His decisions will take your feelings into consideration. All without your ever having to ask.A love relationship is a covenant. An agreement by both parties to give up independence for inter-dependence. Both parties agree to the level of intimacy they want in the relationship. Is it to be friends, is it to be lovers, is it to be antagonists?